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To think its there is nothing wrong with a 14 year old wearing drynites

(78 Posts)
Nymeria01 Tue 19-Aug-14 11:10:10

I was having a chat with my friend during which she brought up that her 5 y/o is still in nappies at night. To make her feel better I said that DS1 is 14 and still wears drynites as he wets the bed almost every night. She said in the most judgemental way that "at 14 nappies should not be in the picture" and that "of course he is going to wet the bed if he wears them". I felt like crying afterwords, I wouldn't have brought it up if I wasn't trying to make her feel better and then she makes me feel like a bad parent.

Serendipity30 Tue 19-Aug-14 11:50:33

I think if a 14 year old is wetting the bed, there is something very very wrong and you need to request that he is referred to a psychologist if he has not been already. I think a 5 year and a 14 year old are very different.

Terrierterror Tue 19-Aug-14 11:52:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

sleepyhead Tue 19-Aug-14 11:55:08

This reaction is why incontinence in older children and adults is treated like some sort of shameful secret. It's not shameful, it shouldn't be so embarrassing and it's not a symptom of something being very, very wrong and needing to see a psychologist hmm.

DoItTooJulia Tue 19-Aug-14 11:55:10

But if you don't share some personal information with your friends, as a parent, where are you supposed to get support from?

OP, ignore the woman. She is awful. I hope she realised how judgemental and mean spirited she was.

Topaz25 Tue 19-Aug-14 11:56:08

I think people are being harsh saying the OP shouldn't have shared this info. It's not like she shouted it from the rooftops or told her son's school friends! She thought she could talk about it privately with an adult and fellow parent who would understand the issue, unfortunately they behaved immaturely.

Topaz25 Tue 19-Aug-14 11:57:31

Serendipity30 Bedwetting can be caused by a physical problem not necessarily a psychological one.

Mitzi50 Tue 19-Aug-14 12:03:10

Your "friend" is extremely rude and tactless.

My son wet the bed til he was about 11 years old and my GP referred him to the local enuresis clinic when he was about 8 or 9 years old.

They gave me lots of useful advice which included not putting him in any kind of pull up as apparently these are so effective that the wearer does not know that they are wet and doesn't learn to recognise the signs. I think this is quite a common problem especially in boys and there are loads of things you can try. If you haven't been already, I would ask your doctor for a referral.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood Tue 19-Aug-14 12:16:54

Your friend was very rude.

But I do think that you have an obligation to your DS to keep sensitive information about him private and not share it. I know you were well intentioned; but there is a huge difference between a 5 year old and a14 year old wetting the bed, so you were not really in the same situation at all.

I also think that perhaps the situation has become to some extent 'normal' for you. It's obviously good that you and DS are coping, but he will soon be an adult and you owe it to him to press hard for intervention and support.

Are you sure that the advice was to use nappies at night? Or is he/you doing this to make it easier? Perfectly understandable but that might not help the underlying problem. I'd get some specific advice on the use of nappies in your situation.

I'm sorry you were upset and I hope you get help for yor DS.

70isaLimitNotaTarget Tue 19-Aug-14 12:35:07

I had eneuresis for a fair bit of my early teens (can't recall exactly how long, it was a while back, but yes 14 yo easily)

I remember standing with my Mum and my mate and her Dad. Mum says airily " oh and 70 still wets the bed" ( I was about 12)

Not in a "oh dear, my DD has a medical condition" but a "Oh dear, all the extra work she creates" sort of way.

It was humiliating in extreme. There was no bloody need for it.
It didn't stop me, I didn't think "Oh what a pain am I"?
It was something I eventually controlled.

Your friends response was uncalled for. But I've been in the situation of your DS.

squeaksqueakgoesthemouse Tue 19-Aug-14 13:32:27

Speaking as someone who wet the bed until I was 17, I thought I'd put my input in.

First of all, unlike what a few posters have said here, wetting the bed at this age doesn't necessarily mean that there is something "wrong". There actually wasn't anything wrong with me either (this was backed up by specialists and doctors).

However if I'd posted for help back then, I'm sure most people would have been thinking hmm and posting how that it wasn't "normal" and that there must be something wrong with me. Or in the case of Serendipity30 "something very very wrong" and would no doubt suggest that I need to see a psychologist hmm.

However for me it was simply a case of my bladder not sending signals to my brain. I'm paraphrasing here a bit but basically it was explained that peoples bladders become "trained" to send signals to their brains whilst their sleeping to let them know it's full so they can wake up and go to the toilet. However some people's bladders simply take longer to be trained to do this (evidently mine was) so have to be "re-trained" so to speak. To do this I had to have a bed wetting alarm - the idea is to "train" your bladder to send signals that you must wake up when you need the toilet.

For me it worked and I've been dry ever since. So I really do think the doctors were right and that for me it was simply a case of my bladder needing re-training as opposed to there being something terribly wrong. I was also told that bed wetting in teens and adults is actually more common than people realise.

Don't get me wrong, I know that that bed wetting at this age can be caused by psychological issues and more serious physical issues so I'm not saying that it's not the case here. However I think scaring the OP by saying her child needs to be referred to a psychologist and that something must be very wrong is just silly IMO. Especially as it's more likely that his bladder simply never "learned" to send signals to his brain whilst he's sleeping and he simply needs to be re-trained to do that with a bed wetting alarm or through other methods (and there are other methods, I just never got to that stage).

OP, has your son seen any specialists or tried anything like a bed wetting alarm? If not then I defiantly recommend a visit to the GP to give it a try because they really do work IME.

eyebags63 Tue 19-Aug-14 13:54:58

YABVVVVVVU to tell anyone about your 14 y/o nighttime bed wetting, he would most likely be mortified if anyone found out. This is NOT the type of thing you just share to make a friend feel better, it is one of those absolute strictest confidence things between parent and child.

LadyLuck10 Tue 19-Aug-14 14:05:32

I think your friend just spoke out of being shocked, she may have been insensitive but doesn't make her a horrible person.
If you told her in a manner of '14 is normal to wear drynites' she might have been just trying to tell you that it isn't. That's all.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Tue 19-Aug-14 14:28:08

I am a teacher and have been told by several parents that their son still wets the bed at the age of 14/15 over the years. There has always been a reason for telling me (pastoral role) but I always feel dreadful for the child, listening to their parent telling me this...

tipsycat Tue 19-Aug-14 14:47:17

My son also had this problem until approx age 12, at 13 he's now grown out of it. Our GP prescribed tablets called desmopressin to use for sleepovers, holidays etc. One tablet taken at bedtime and no wet bed.

tiggytape Tue 19-Aug-14 15:02:51

The stats are 15% of 5 year olds and 1% of 15 year olds have nocturnal bedwetting (with a male-to-female ratio for of 2:1).
It is not common but it isn't shockingly rare either

snakeandpygmy Tue 19-Aug-14 15:10:53

As you've seen specialists for your son I'm sure you're probably aware of this, but just for anybody who's not....

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Tue 19-Aug-14 15:27:54

It sounds as though your "friend" hasn't for one second even considered that her child might have a medical condition, is completely ignorant of it generally and is probably on the receiving end of plenty of people telling her that if she took nappies off her 5 yo, they would have a few wet nights and become dry as they don't like the discomfort/humiliation or whatever nonsense is available.

Not to excuse her behaviour, but I imagine she was pretty shocked at the prospect that he might still be wearing nappies at 14 and due to sheer ignorance was rude about what she perceives as a parenting/training issue, not a medical one.

As for whether or not you should be sharing your sons medical history, that's none of my business and you've already had a flaming on MN. I can see why you would but its obviously totally backfired. Lesson learned.

PossumPoo Tue 19-Aug-14 15:48:41

Well I would be shocked if a friend shared this about their DC. I'm fairly certain I wouldn't say anything about it though and be glad they felt they were able to share. But still shocked.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 19-Aug-14 16:01:17

OP I don't think you did anything wrong sharing this information, people are really uptight on threads atm.
Your friend is a ninny, maybe spoken out of shock, but definitely wrong.
Of course you are supposed to be able to discuss these things with a friend, how else can you gain support or advice and opinions.
Its sweeping things under the table that make them dark dirty secrets in the first place.

Quangle Tue 19-Aug-14 16:18:50

there is a lot of ignorance on this thread. It's a reasonably common thing for children of this age but is kept hidden and is no doubt underreported because of the taboo surrounding it (and posts like the one from serendipity30 help us see why there's a taboo).

There are lots of physical reasons why this happens - a family member suffers from this and everything has been tried. It's not a psychological issue.

Your only mistake was to try to say something nice to your friend which she then used against you in her ignorance.

chesterberry Tue 19-Aug-14 16:24:04

I wet the bed most nights in my early teens, I did grow out of it so that it was more sporadic in my mid-teens until it was no longer a problem. It actually started happening again just over a year ago when I was pregnant with my DD. I have been to the doctors and see a continence nurse but haven't found a treatment that works yet. Unfortunately for some people it can be life-long although I'm hoping that a bed-wetting alarm will work for me. My DD shares my room and I'm worried about it waking her so haven't tried it yet (although did try one to no avail when I was younger). In the meantime I'm using adult pull-ups and hoping it may just stop on it's own as it did when I was a teen.

I don't think late bed-wetting it is as uncommon as many people would think. I confided in some of my friends about my bed-wetting in my teens and one friend told me he'd still regularly wet the bed until he was in his mid teens and that it is still a problem for him when he has been drinking alcohol. Another friend recently told me his 16-year-old brother wets the bed. I am surprised at the people here who are saying so emphatically that it's not normal and that something must be very wrong. Of course most 14-year-olds don't wet the bed but it is a medical condition and whilst most children grow out of it before they hit their teens it can be ongoing for some people. There is not always a solution that works immediately or the first time around and sometimes it is just a case of waiting until the body and bladder have matured further.

If you've sought treatment and tried the options given but nothing has helped then drynites seem an obvious solution. Waking up in a cold wet bed is horrible, embarrassing and demoralising. Bedwetting can stop you joining in with normal things other people your age are doing like sleepovers or school trips. Using drynites or similar does at least help manage some of that and means it can be hidden.

Your friend was being unreasonable and has shown her ignorance about bedwetting - it is not caused by laziness or an unwillingness to be dry and no teen would choose to be wetting the bed. It is unfortunate for her DS if her attitude is that the child/teen has a significant level of control over bed-wetting. She is mixing up a symptom of the bed-wetting (wearing drynites) with the cause (a medical condition) and she is being very unreasonable to suggest the drynites are causing the medical condition as this is so not the case.

I'm sorry that you confided in somebody you thought would be trustworthy in an attempt to reassure her and that her reaction was like this. Good luck to you and your son in managing his bedwetting until, hopefully, he will either outgrow it or find a treatment which suits him.

MostWicked Tue 19-Aug-14 17:07:58

you need to request that he is referred to a psychologist
And you need to stick to commenting about things you have some knowledge or understanding of. A psychologist is the least likely person to be able to help. It's a physical problem.

Rafanderpants Tue 19-Aug-14 17:13:21

Mines 13 and wears them at night. She has physical disabilities and cant control her bladder at night even though shes taken to loo just before bed.

Don't worry about it. Ive had the judgy comments too. I know my DC, doctor knows DC that's all that matters.

alemci Tue 19-Aug-14 17:42:14

my ds had problems with a wet bed 'til he was 12/13 then it stopped. we used to go to the eurenesis clinic

ToomuchToonow Tue 19-Aug-14 17:48:12

While there may well be nothing wrong with a 14 who still wets the bed I think that wearing drynites might be counterproductive at that age. My son (and DH before him) were not reliably dry until about 12. But from about 8 my DS was not in pullups (because none would fit). I wonder if being comfortable after wetting delays him learning the signals.

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