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To be so annoyed at MIL

(107 Posts)
Floanna84 Tue 19-Aug-14 10:40:04

MIL called DH today (he works away) to ask can she take DS (20 months) away to Wales for a week with her, SIL, SIL best friend and 3 children.
They've managed to book 2 luxury caravans v cheap for next week as they'd already been booked/payed for but the person has now cancelled.
DS is close to MIL and SIL and has had sleepovers at hers so aside from the normal worries about missing him I'm confident he'd enjoy himself. It would also be a treat for DS as we've just moved (this month) from rented accom into our first bought home, and are very skint at the moment so won't be going on holiday ourselves this year.

After talking to DH we decided that although we were both a bit apprehensive, it would be lovely for DS to go.
DH called MIL to tell her and she said 'we're going to do a big shop when we arrive so you only need to give him about £50 spends'
Although we don't really have the money, I was fine with that as toddlers can be very expensive, and I also planned to send him with his favourite foods and treats to share.

However, MIL called DH back later and in conversation told him that he would have to drive DS, SIL and one of the other children from our home in Manchester to South Wales on Sunday and then collect them the following Sunday, (she will drive and take SILs friend and 2 other children.
Im so annoyed!
Each round trip will cost at least £30 return and we literally do not have another £60 spare at the moment.
I have never before been in a position where I don't have any savings and I find dealings with family about money very uncomfortable.
We don't earn a lot but I am usually very generous with money and I'm not sure how to deal with the situation. I never expect anything for free and whenever MIL has DS for the day if childminder is off I always pay her £50 (a lot more than I pay CM) as I appreciate she is giving up her time.
DH told MIL we can't afford to drop and pick them up and MIL has said they won't be able to go then!
I really don't know what to do, should I try and borrow the £60 so DH can take them and pick them up or say sorry but we just can't afford it?
I wouldn't have minded so much if we'd had more notice, and could of budgeted for it but I just feel like we've been put in an awkward position.

I'm really sorry to be so long-winded, I'm rubbish at getting to the point ��

SorryForTheTypos Tue 19-Aug-14 10:42:34

YANBU. MIL should have said upfront what the costs were before asking you to commit.

CrapBag Tue 19-Aug-14 10:43:40


Agree that no he won't be going then. They offered to take him, the £50 on its own was ridiculous and the taking and dropping off is even more so.

I bet she only invited him because they can't fit everyone into a car so she knew your DH could take the others.

Don't get into debt to let them take him away. He is 20 months, he will not know about not having a holiday this year. £50 for her having him for the day is also OTT. I really don't see why you need to pay a GP to have her DGC.

MangoBiscuit Tue 19-Aug-14 10:44:49

So what would they have done if your DS wasn't able to go? You are perfectly in your rights to say you can't afford it. Offering to take your son away is a lovely gesture, but if a financial contribution was needed, be it spending, food, or transport, then it really should have been discussed at the start.

If SIL and the other child can't get there, that is NOT your, or your DHs, responsibilty.

RiojaHaze Tue 19-Aug-14 10:45:52

YANBU - they offer, they pay. At most you should be giving him a tenner to take to buy ice-creams with!

indigo18 Tue 19-Aug-14 10:45:59

How were they going to get there if you hadn't agreed to DS going, I wonder. This is horrible for you; it's embarrassing to have to say you can't afford the fuel, but I think they should pay if DH is willing to do the driving.
I think I would say you ar4e a bit overstretched this month so they will have to pay.
Or you could say DS isn't going?

trikken Tue 19-Aug-14 10:46:34

Yanbu. I would be annoyed by this. She should have mentioned this at the beginning.

lorriehearts Tue 19-Aug-14 10:46:53

YANBU. Financial worries aren't just something you imagine, are they? Moving house costs a bomb, and your MIL knows this. £50 seemed a bit steep in the first place but an extra £60 on top of that because your MIL's suddenly decided that your DH needs to act as a chauffeur to everyone? It's cheeky at best, and if you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

Sorry you've been put in this position, OP. Keep DS home with you and spend some of the £50 on nice things for yourselves to do.

chocoluvva Tue 19-Aug-14 10:47:05

Aww. They sound mean. £50 for a toddler for one week? shock - what are they planning to feed him - lobster and organic mangoes?

He'll be free to take anywhere.

Also, why is your SIL's best friend getting to take the car space of your DS? In effect best friend is costing you £60.

MrsWinnibago Tue 19-Aug-14 10:47:52

Just don't send him. You can't afford it anyway and he's a baby...he won't know!

MrsWinnibago Tue 19-Aug-14 10:48:21

Also, what does a 20 month old need "spends" for? confused they get in free to everything and don't eat much!

YouTheCat Tue 19-Aug-14 10:49:39

He's unlikely to remember any of this in the future. Just say 'oh well, ds can't go'.

What the hell would a toddler eat in a week that'd cost £50 anyway?

ikeaismylocal Tue 19-Aug-14 10:50:30


A 20 month old has no idea what a holiday is, you couldspend the 110 pounds on some nice little days out near home and he'd be just as happy.

Mil sounds really cheeky, I'm shocked you give her 50 pounds to look after her own grandchild.

chocoluvva Tue 19-Aug-14 10:50:57

Sorry I didn't realise your DH will be taking some of the other passengers - why can't they pay for the trip? Why should you have to pay for them to go? Perhaps there is a reason?

Given that you pay your ILs £50 for minding your DS I'd have thought they wouldn't ask you for anything by way of contribution.

cailindana Tue 19-Aug-14 10:51:19

Agree with the others - just say "sorry we can't afford it," and leave it at that. It is very mean of her to offer to take her GC away then expect quite a hefty sum of money from you for it. It would be another thing entirely if you'd asked her to take him - in that case it would be understandable for her to expect some money to cover him - but as she offered it is really mean of her.

bauhausfan Tue 19-Aug-14 10:51:54

No - that's £110 in total for a holiday he won't even remember. You could have had a lot of treats as a family for that amount of money. Just say no - and don't be bullied.

chocoluvva Tue 19-Aug-14 10:53:43

How does your DH feel about it?

IrrelevantSquirrel Tue 19-Aug-14 10:53:45

YANBU. It sounds like you're being used as a taxi service for other people's holiday. Why do you pay MIL £50 a day for childcare? That's extortionate. Is she a registered childminder?

bauhausfan Tue 19-Aug-14 10:54:05

You really really also need to stop paying MIL to have her own grandson for the day. i am worried now that she sees him as some sort of cash cow. It will be interesting to see how much time she wants to spend with him if she doesn't get paid for it.

amyhamster Tue 19-Aug-14 10:54:32

I guess he'd need nappies but not £50 worth !
And what will they do for a whole week with only one car that they don't all fit into ?
Sounds a bit crappy to me stuck in a caravan in rainy wales for a week !

indigo18 Tue 19-Aug-14 10:59:10

Presumably OP would send nappies and any other supplies needed! Maybe say that you can't afford the £50 and the fuel, so if they take him free... actually I think I would be too pissed off to negotiate with them.
How did they say they were going to get there without DTAXI?

TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 19-Aug-14 10:59:20

I think you politely decline on the basis that the travel costs are more than you can manage right now. Maybe next year if they do it again.

lorriehearts Tue 19-Aug-14 10:59:27

Also, just noticed the £50/day childminding fees - 100% agree with irrelevantsquirrel and bauhausfan that you should put an end to that one straight away. That's outrageous!

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 19-Aug-14 11:00:11

I suspect they just invited him to get a lift sorted.


chocoluvva Tue 19-Aug-14 11:01:28

Do they believe that you're better off than you actually are?

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