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To ask - what is the latest you would leave it?

(161 Posts)
owlscatsandcakes Mon 18-Aug-14 07:23:36

I really, really want a baby but I am single.

Obviously I want to meet someone to marry and have a family with but I am prepared to go for it alone if not . But this is as a last resort rather than a first choice.

So what I am wondering is what age should I effectively say - okay, no man coming along, let's just go for it?


wingcommandergallic Mon 18-Aug-14 07:27:15

If you're talking about ivf, you need to look into national guidelines regarding age. The N H S don't like to fund after 37-39 but that's an issue of funding versus probability of success. Once you reach 40, you're chances of conceiving decline.

WorkingBling Mon 18-Aug-14 07:29:12

Blimey. How long is a piece of string?

Physically, i would say 35 at most. And even then doctors will tell you your fertility has declined blah blah blah. But I think it's up to you in terms of how important it is to you and also what you want. You might decide to go for it while younger and then put yourself back into the dating pool once your dc is a bit older.

Either way, it's a huge decision that should t be taken lightly.

owlscatsandcakes Mon 18-Aug-14 07:29:15

The nhs wouldn't fund for me anyway because I would be looking into it as a single woman. Whichever route I chose to parenthood would have to be entirely self-funded.

RandomMess Mon 18-Aug-14 07:29:32

Eek - there is no guarantee with or without a man that it will happen??

owlscatsandcakes Mon 18-Aug-14 07:30:58

I agree working, that it shouldn't be taken lightly. It's something I've certainly thought about. My conclusion however is that I have to be a mum - I just couldn't get to fifty and have no children.

fluffyraggies Mon 18-Aug-14 07:31:27

How old are you OP? Big difference between being in your 20s wanting to weigh up the next 20 years to 38/39 with only 6/7 years left of fertility to go.

Misfitless Mon 18-Aug-14 07:32:06

How old are you, Owls? If you don't mind me asking?

owlscatsandcakes Mon 18-Aug-14 07:32:15

No random this is true.

However - that's not what the threads about smile if I do run into difficulties whether I have a partner or I don't I'll need to give it some more thought but I have proven fertility and very regular periods and ovulation, in excellent health, etc.

owlscatsandcakes Mon 18-Aug-14 07:32:39

At the moment I am 33 but am nearly 34.

fluffyraggies Mon 18-Aug-14 07:35:33

OK. Well - fertility does start to decline rather drastically through your 30s. I'd say start to look into it now.

fluffyraggies Mon 18-Aug-14 07:38:12

Your posts seem to be saying that fertility/likely hood of success is not what this is about - but that is surely the most pressing issue?

Coughle Mon 18-Aug-14 07:39:13

Start today!

You know it's what you want, time is not on your side, no point waiting any longer!

Good luck. flowers

RandomMess Mon 18-Aug-14 07:39:37

I suppose my point is the sooner you start the better as it could still take 10 years! I have irregular periods and ovulation not in the best of health but turns out I am super fertile and conceived 2 dc despite using contraceptives...

owlscatsandcakes Mon 18-Aug-14 07:43:18

Fluffy, not at all, I'm just trying to avoid 'you might never be able to have a baby' type posts. If - and at this stage it's a big if - that happens I'll deal with it but at the moment as far as I know I am fertile and there is no history of early menopause etc in my family.

I would like to meet somebody to have a baby with and as such I'm certainly not going to run to the nearest fertility clinic tomorrow - BUT i do want to have 'plan B' in mind because I do really really want to have a child.

I suppose what I want is a timeframe in my own mind, of 'if I haven't met someone by (say) august 2018 I will explore IVF' I'm just giving that date as an example though smile

I know there are many 'older mums' on here and in 'real life' so I'm anxious but not worried if that makes sense.

Rinkydinkypink Mon 18-Aug-14 07:43:50

I had my last baby at 35 and it was harder than in my 20's. I've been lucky and had no problem conceiving but most of my friends have found it's taken them significantly longer the older they got.

If your serious then you need to start now. You maybe lucky and it happens quickly but it's more likely to take a while.

owlscatsandcakes Mon 18-Aug-14 07:45:46

Random I do have proven fertility (got pregnant as a teenager by mistake) and have never smoked, drank alcohol bar a very occasional glass of wine and baileys at Christmas smile and exercise, am a very healthy weight ... There really
Aren't any reasons I wouldn't conceive.

I may freeze my eggs but I'm definitely not starting tomorrow! If I did there's a good chance that this time next year I'd have a three month old! And I would prefer to meet someone first.

owlscatsandcakes Mon 18-Aug-14 07:47:14

I really have no intention of starting now or in the next twelve months to be honest - not because I'm not serious but because I am serious.

My mum had me at 36 - maybe having a baby in mid/late 30s is just 'normal' to me.

fluffyraggies Mon 18-Aug-14 07:52:47

I've just had my 4th DC at 46 OP. Natural conception. (Had my younger 3DCs in my 20s) So i'm not against the idea of older mums grin

If the fertility/timing isn't the issue for you, what is? Are you asking how old is too old to be looking for a future husband with a family in mind?

WhereTheWildlingsAre Mon 18-Aug-14 07:54:53

I had my second at 37 and felt that I would not physically want to have done it again. But then I also know a friend who is pregnant at 45.

Is it worth getting s GP appointment to begin discussing the timescale and details through? That way you would have an idea how long you need to consider leaving it. IVF is also a difficult and emotional process to go through and so it's worth finding out about that too.

monstermunching70s Mon 18-Aug-14 07:58:05

Owls it could be worth looking into having your eggs frozen to give yourself more time perhaps? That's something I considered at your age but didn't go through with. I became single at 31 after a long term relationship ended and got increasingly desperate as the years passed and I still hadn't found The One and didn't want to just settle for someone purely to have a child. For perspective it can work out. I finally met The One at the age of 37, after no luck conceiving naturally I started IVF at 39, for the one and only cycle my local NHS would offer and thankfully conceived my DD who I had at 40. 6 months after she was born it was somewhat of a surprise, albeit a very welcome one, to fall pregnant again, naturally, with my DS who I had at 41. I appreciate that I'm extremely fortunate and it's good to consider your options, but don't think that it's all over for you yet. I hope it all works out for you.

fluffyraggies Mon 18-Aug-14 07:58:36

As we get older potential partners get more likely to come with 'baggage'. Previous marriages and existing children. You may meet a wonderful man but he may not want DCs. Or more DCs ...

It's a tricky one when you've no time to waste. How far into the first few dates do you raise the subject of kids? wink

Misfitless Mon 18-Aug-14 08:01:25

IMHO, going it alone would take the pressure off finding the "right" man, who you would then have years to meet.

A know someone who put a huge amount of pressure on her partner, back when she was approaching your age, because she was determined to be pregnant by the time she was 35. It was a sort of threat...propose or it's over, sort of situation. (She was determined to be married before she got pregnant.)

Anyway, fast forward: she has her 2 DCs, but from an outsider's POV, they don't actually seem happy.

I think if she'd have been 10 years younger, there's no way she would have chosen to settle down with this man.

At least if you choose to go ahead, you can then find Mr Right at your leisure! wink

Just putting this out you have an "ideal" number of children in mind? Or would you be happy to have an only child?

I ask this because you do come across people who are desperate for a second child, but for whatever reason can't have one. I've seen it be a real struggle for some people on here.

Misfitless Mon 18-Aug-14 08:03:51

Yy to freezing your eggs, I hadn't thought of that, Monster.

pilates Mon 18-Aug-14 08:04:55

Personally, I would look to be doing it now so not to be disappointed.

Good luck.

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