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To ask for your opinion because I'm a bit uncomfortable with this new friendship?

(46 Posts)
NotEvenAMumYet Sun 17-Aug-14 14:46:43

I'm new to mumsnet and, as my name suggests, I'm not a mother. Anyway, I've recently made a new male friend who use quite a lot older than me (I'm 20 And he's 32) and married with children. We met in a very formal setting and realised we had a passion for a particular shared interest. I forgot all about him until he got in contact with me 5weeks later (he must have searched for my contact details. At first he asked whether I would like to meet for coffee so he can borrow a book I was talking about but now he's changed it to meeting for dinner as the local coffee shops close 'too early'. He has gradually upped the number of kisses in his messages to three. He only messages me early in the morning and very late at night. I don't want to sound dramatic, and I may just be judging him based on the behaviour of my male friends at uni, but this makes me think he hasn't told his wife about our friendship? He has children with his wife and is meeting me for dinner on the night he works in the city where I live, like he wouldn't be able to see me otherwise? I'm slightly uncomfortable about what I think I are secretive nature of his behaviour. Do you think he sees me in a platonic way? Sorry if this is an odd post but I assume most people on MN are in log term relationships with children so may be able to shed some light on the situation. I don't want to upset his wife but I don't want him to think I'm being a presumptuous psycho either?

BecauseIsaidS0 Sun 17-Aug-14 14:49:52

I wouldn't do dinner with a married guy that I just met. I'd offer to drop the book at his workplace during lunch hour and see how that goes down.

MagratsHair Sun 17-Aug-14 14:50:14

Welcome to mumsnet OP, you don't have to be a mum at all smile

Steer well clear of him! It sounds like you would be the bit on the side!

wanderingcloud Sun 17-Aug-14 14:52:15

I agree, I'd try to back off and gauge his reaction to that. Sounds a bit strange though!

CoolCat2014 Sun 17-Aug-14 14:52:21

Sounds like he's after a bit of something on the side to me. He takes you out for meals? I've never had a bloke take me out for meals unless they wanted a relationship. What does he act like? Is he flirty?

CrapBag Sun 17-Aug-14 14:55:14

Its suspicious that he has obviously looked up your contact details somewhere, 5 weeks after meeting him, on the pretext of borrowing a book.

Steer well clear, your instincts are probably right.

4boysxhappy Sun 17-Aug-14 14:55:31

Afraid the way he is going about things is very dodgy. Stay away from him.

Nothing wrong with married man being friends with you. My hubby has male and female friends of all ages. However This is not looking like the start of a friendship.

ImATotJeSuisUneTot Sun 17-Aug-14 14:56:23

Perhaps ask to meet his wife?

Leviticus Sun 17-Aug-14 14:58:44

I think you are spot on. My DH wouldn't be taking young women out to dinner alone (I hope!) because he wanted to borrow a book.

Selks Sun 17-Aug-14 14:59:47

The way to test it is to reply back 'yes, would be nice to meet to chat but only if you invite your wife because it would be lovely to meet her too'. That will put him right off if he is just after an affair (which I suspect he is), but if he is genuine he won't mind introducing his wife to you.

But to be honest I'd just give it a swerve. All the signs indicate that his intentions = affair. Don't go there.

NotEvenAMumYet Sun 17-Aug-14 14:59:57

Thankyou smile I've actually been browsing the site all day and there are some hilarious threads! He's kind of flirty, he said its a shame not all of the people he works with are as wonderful as me (cringe! We don't work together at all, he was just complaining about work) and when I mentioned I did modelling when I was 16 (and 2stone thinner) he said 'which type of modelling or shouldn't I ask lol?' But I quickly changed the subject back to my course at uni. He has talked about his children a few times but mainly asking what I've been up to in the day and sharing articles an blog posts about our shared interest.

RJnomore Sun 17-Aug-14 15:00:00

I'd suggest popping round to his to drop the book off "because it would be nice to meet your wife and children as well, I wouldn't be able to stay anyway as I have a date the night you suggested"

That's about as clear markers of not interested as I could give out?

antimatter Sun 17-Aug-14 15:00:24

tell him your bf will be joining too grin

londonrach Sun 17-Aug-14 15:02:05

Your feelings are right. Back off. Mention his wife if he calls again. Asking how she and the children are. I don't trust him. X

NotEvenAMumYet Sun 17-Aug-14 15:02:50

The wife idea is great! I'm going to say I can only meet him at lunchtime for coffee and if that's inconvenient then I'd love to meet his wife for dinner too? My male friends text me I. The daytime too because their girlfriends know about our friendship- the whole late night/early morning thing makes me feel a by creeped out.

londonrach Sun 17-Aug-14 15:03:55

Op check out the classics posts and welcome. I'm not a mum so it's not just parents on here. The recent post on the ekl (search it) was very good. I'm sure others will also tell you of other posts. Warning though once here it's hard to leave.....even to do the washing up....

NotEvenAMumYet Sun 17-Aug-14 15:04:15

Please excuse all of the typos, im using my phone!

EllaFitzgerald Sun 17-Aug-14 15:06:19

I'd suggest meeting at lunch time and see how that goes. In the meantime, don't reciprocate the kisses on texts.

Everything you've written makes me think there could well be definitely more to it than him wanting to establish an innocent friendship, but I'm quite suspicious.

NotEvenAMumYet Sun 17-Aug-14 15:07:09

Also, he sometimes texts me but mainly uses email (from his phone) or whatsapp, possibly because these are easier to delete or his wife won't see the notification?

NotEvenAMumYet Sun 17-Aug-14 15:11:59

I'm pleased you don't think I'm being paranoid or a bit big headed to think he fancies me! It's not that I have an issue with an age gap in a friend ship (one of my best friends is a married with children 36year old who I work part time with) but me an him don't have all that much in common except for a share interest. He's a married father with a very responsible job whereas I'm a student living in a student house share and work part time on a make-up counter, there isn't much to build a friendship on except for one shared interest.

maras2 Sun 17-Aug-14 15:16:20

Hiya.Well done for being a bit sus and welcome to Mumsnet.You sound very nice.Mx. smile

Tikimon Sun 17-Aug-14 15:18:23

If he doesn't want to involve his wife, it probably isn't platonic. I'd back off and just drop the book off at working saying "It's no trouble, your schedule sounds hectic anyway". smile

wyrdyBird Sun 17-Aug-14 15:25:05

Listen to your discomfort.
He has deliberately sought out your contact details. Coffee has turned into dinner. Asks you about modelling in a flirty way.
I would stay away from him altogether to be honest. Meet for coffee if you sincerely want to, but don't if you don't, and definitely don't go for dinner. Who is he kidding, really.

fun1nthesun Sun 17-Aug-14 15:30:29

I put kisses on the end of every sentence even in emails blush so personally, I wouldn't be worried about how many x's there are at the end of the sentence.

Mentioning his wife regularly is a good idea though, if he's up to something he should soon get the hint.

However, it is hard to make good friends and he might possibly just be being friendly. I would see how he feels about bringing the wife along, and take it from there.

NotEvenAMumYet Sun 17-Aug-14 15:51:10

Ok here is the message I'm going to send him 'hey, I'm really busy at the moment so I'm not sure when I can meet you for dinner but if you could let me know a date when your wife is also meet then it would be nice for the three of us to meet then?' Or should I just drop the book in in his lunch hour (I suspect he doesn't want his colleague to know).

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