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AIBU?

Not to let Dh have his mates to stay for a lads weekend after I've just had a baby?

97 replies

mrsnec · 17/08/2014 07:20

We live near a lively resort in the med.

DH has 2 friends in the UK who often come over for long weekends and leave their girlfriends behind. So about 4 nights.

I am nearly 34 weeks pg. And Dh has invited them over again in a couple of months time.I'm not going to be naive and say I'm fully prepared for parenthood just that I accept it's going to change our lives. Dh thinks a baby will just 'fit in'

He's comparing having his friends here to me having my parents here when I come out of hospital. I've done that because he can't take paternity leave because he's self employed. And I know I'm going to need my mum when he's at work even though he can cut his hours to abou 7-1 4 days a week I still think I need help.

I didn't enjoy his friends company last time. I get nothing out of it. They are misogynistic, they do nothing around the house, they're ungreatful when I cook for them, they just sit around drinking and have very questionable attitudes towards parenting.

AIBU to just put my foot down and say no?

My other options are to just leave it and hope it doesn't happen. They haven't booked their flights yet. One of them needs to check his ex wife can have his kids for a weekend. The other one has a gf who is cabin crew and he wants to wait until she gets her roster in case she has any good trips that month he can tag along on.so Dh is second choice anyway. I think they should just say no and are actually being quite rude imposing themselves on new parents and given that they're both parents themselves surely they understand?

I could also send him to them for a weekend. I don't know what's harder looking after guests with a newborn or being on my own with a newborn? (I do have a support network locally)

Do the dates make a difference? Likely to have a section too and if I go over we could be talking just a few weeks post cs.he has said if that happens he'll do all the cooking and cleaning.but the baby could be about 6 weeks by the time they come.

My mil suggested just take to my bed when they're here but I did try that last time and they just give me grief for being lazy. Have been very sick this pg though.

Or should I put up and shut up?

I haven't had this out properly yet I don't want a big argument. I get that all the baby stuff might be too much for him at the moment so I am encouraging him to do bloke things at the moment in the hope that helps eg. Take his dad to the football next week.

Sorry this is a long one and thanks for reading. Am I over estimating how much work a baby will be? Any expats out there with newborns how old was your baby when you started entertaining guests again besides your parents?

OP posts:
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MissMarplesBloomers · 17/08/2014 07:24

Bloody hell OP you even need to ask????

NO no & no again. End of . And I would be querying my DHs choice of friends if they treated me with such contempt & disrespect in my own home.

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silverten · 17/08/2014 07:26

You know you're not being unreasonable.

It could be fine, you could get lucky and be in a lovely routine by then. Or not. Who knows? You don't, and can't, so it's best to err on the side of caution until you do know what's going on.

I wouldn't personally be putting up with a pair of twats who expected full housekeeping from you and got shirty about it when you didn't wait on them hand and foot, baby or no baby. That's not what friends do when they visit friends.

I fully expect that when I press post there will be at least one other reply saying the problem is with your DH.

They aren't wrong. Your next job is to get him to man up and get real about child rearing and his changed priorities.

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Chipandspuds · 17/08/2014 07:27

Just say no and if your DH won't tell them you need to tell them. I can't believe any of them are even thinking this could be a good idea!

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Ladymoods · 17/08/2014 07:28

If that's how they treat you in your own home then I wouldn't have them there anyway, regardless of whether you have a baby or not. Tell him to grow the fuck up and accept that he has other priorities now.

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 17/08/2014 07:31

Oh my god. The fact that he can even think of this! No! This can't happen. Your husband is an idiot. I'm afraid i foresee trouble ahead with his attitude.

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Orangedaisy · 17/08/2014 07:31

Hi,

Definitely not being unreasonable. The last thing you will need is drunk men in your house. If you are lucky you'll only be up 3 times a night by the time they come and it is virtually impossible to host politely on that little sleep for any length of time. I live a short flight away from vast majority of friends and family-LO is now 5 months old and we didn't start having overnight guests (apart from my mum, who cooks, cleans and irons-which I v much doubt your OH's mates will do) until she was over 3 months- and even then I only had people with kids whose parenting style I agree with and who I know pitch in!

My SIL and niece came for the day when DD was 10 days old. I had to have a nap after they had been here for 3 hrs as the conversation was too much for me-I was so exhausted. And my OH had proper paternity leave and did all the jobs.

Can you maybe suggest to your OH that his mates don't book flights until your baby is a couple of weeks old? By then OH might realise what a change it is?

Best of luck with the baby!

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CSIJanner · 17/08/2014 07:33

No. No no no no. Did I mentioned no? Lets leave aside they don't respect you in your own home, you'll have a new baby and will be tired, achy and leaking. And potentially a c-section? Just no - and shove MIL enabling him to avoid an argument. The difference in your mum staying to his mates is your mum will help, cook and look after you & baby. His mates will lounge around, and if like my friends, will be disparaging about baby waking them, loom around for food and leave the home in carnage. Tell your OH to man up.

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hoboken · 17/08/2014 07:35

Would he be OK if you had a visit from group of mothers and babies while he had a hammering hangover? Thought not.

Why you would ever cook etc for a bunch of drinking misogynist children I do not know, let alone with a young baby in the house.

YAVDNBU

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WottaMess · 17/08/2014 07:35

It doesn't bode well does it? Hopefully he is panicking about life changing forever and this is a symptom but as you say if they are parents themselves they're twats for even considering it! In their defence, could that be why they are prevaricating? A trying to let your oh down gently bloke style?

But you get to say no on this one.

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ShoeWhore · 17/08/2014 07:38

YANBU! Your dh needs to grow up.

Apart from my parents, who came and cooked cleaned and generally helped with everything, I could manage an hour or so with other guests at that stage.

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StillWishihadabs · 17/08/2014 07:39

OMG.........just no.

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abuhamzamouse · 17/08/2014 07:40

No, no and thrice no. Put your foot down.

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Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/08/2014 07:42

No, no no no no.

That is all. Your DH has no bloody clue does he?

Just keep saying no. I can't tell you how much you'll regret it and resent your DH if they come.

The last thing you should be doing with a newborn is entertaining anyone. They should be running around after you. Especially your DH.

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Cinnamon73 · 17/08/2014 07:50

Why would you want misogynist, drunk, ungrateful and disrespectful people in your home at any time?
They sound like freeloaders.

Don't agree to this, firmly put your foot down. If dh goes ahead and lets them come, move out to family/friends, don't stay around for "lazy" comments.

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Fairylea · 17/08/2014 07:53

No no no no no.

Your dh sounds very unsupportive in general - no one is "lazy" going back to bed when they have a small baby.

And why the fuck can't he cook and host for his own bloody friends??

I'd move back to your parents, at least while the friends are there and then have a proper talk about how unreasonable he's being.

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lavenderhoney · 17/08/2014 07:54

Just no. And no, he doesn't get to swan off when you've just had his baby either! If you're maybe having a cs he shouldn't even be thinking its an option. I'm surprised he hasn't out you first tbh.

Its not about him anymore. He needs to realise that. And his mates- they can stay elsewhere in the future. Do you really want to be in your dressing gown looking and feeling like crap, clutching a yelling newborn, trying to find the paracetamol they give you for pain after major surgery ( a cs) and scared to go downstairs as they are drunk and rude in your house? And you can't ask your dh to help with the baby and carry it down because you need both hands to hold on, what with just having had major surgery, as he's pissed as well?

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LizLimone · 17/08/2014 07:54

Your DH needs to grow up and accept his responsibilities. Comparing his vile pals coming to visit 6 weeks post delivery to your mother visiting to help you with the baby is just ridiculous. She will help, they will hinder. And what about breast feeding? 6 week olds feed on demand and often cluster feed in the evenings, on an hourly basis. How are you supposed to bf comfortably with 2 strange men hanging around?

The fact your DH is even suggesting this would make me question him as a father and wonder whether he is at all ready for that role. He sounds very immature.

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catgirl1976 · 17/08/2014 07:55

Lord god no!

YANBU

You're husband is being naive at best and incredibly selfish at worst.

Put your foot down. No. No, no, no, no.

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SquidgyMummy · 17/08/2014 07:59

Your OH doesn't have a clue.
If they are desperate for a holiday, get your OH to give them a list of hotels. They sound like complete freeloaders

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MissMarplesBloomers · 17/08/2014 08:01

One of his friends has an ex wife for a reason.....look at how he is trying to wriggle out of a contact w/e for a lads holiday.

Your NotSoDH needs a wake up call on what fatherhood is REALLY about, and the responsibilities it brings. Start now or you'll regret it & it will cause resentment.

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MissMarplesBloomers · 17/08/2014 08:02

One of his friends has an ex wife for a reason.....look at how he is trying to wriggle out of a contact w/e for a lads holiday.

Your NotSoDH needs a wake up call on what fatherhood is REALLY about, and the responsibilities it brings. Start now or you'll regret it & it will cause resentment.

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MissMarplesBloomers · 17/08/2014 08:02

Oops sorry for double post!

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MsVestibule · 17/08/2014 08:03

I know some new mothers are competent, serene and perfectly capable of entertaining people soon after the birth. I really wasn't one of them. I remember shouting at my mum when she'd come the look after me (TBF, she can be very annoying) and still sobbing when a friend visited me five weeks post partum. She started crying too and said "Oh God, I'd forgotten how hard the first few weeks are." I didn't have PND or baby blues, but breast feeding/feeding in general with DC1 incredibly difficult.

So no, YANBU. I'm quite surprised that your DH allows them to stay at all. If any of my friends treated my DH with such little respect, I wouldn't invite them back; and I'm not precious about him at all!

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CoffeeBucks · 17/08/2014 08:11

YANBU based on just the thread title!

... And now I've read the full post, YANBU still. They sound dreadful. Absolutely not an option.

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Coddo · 17/08/2014 08:12

Lazy?! No. Tell h no way. It's such a shock your first baby

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