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DH bought someone an eternity ring when I was out of town. AIBU to freak out?

(131 Posts)
Topaz25 Sat 16-Aug-14 22:25:50

I have been out of town for two weeks helping to care for my dying grandmother. She sadly passed away on Monday and I returned home a few days ago. Since then things have been up and down with my husband and we have argued. He seems distant since I got back, which was a bit of a red flag. OTOH I am obviously tense and over sensitive at the moment.

Tonight I found (in the open, I wasn't snooping) a receipt showing that he purchased a silver eternity ring while I was out of town. The ring is not my size and I do not have a birthday or other special occasion coming up. I suppose it is possible that he bought the ring to cheer me up (and forgot my size) and then hasn't given it to me because we argued. Something else that worries me is this ring was purchased from a shop that has several branches in our home town but it was not purchased here, it was purchased from a branch in a nearby town. I don't even know why he would be there. Another issue is that it was purchased on a Monday. Monday is normally my husband's day off but recently he told me was doing overtime on Mondays. AIBU to be concerned? AIBU to confront him? I don't want to come across as paranoid and start another argument. WWYD?

Topaz25 Mon 18-Aug-14 11:36:10

I think it says something that many people have posted all sorts of different opinions on here and yours is the only one I had any problem with, because I thought it was insensitive of you to imply I only disagree with you because I'm grieving and because your posts have got progressively more personal.

Topaz25 Mon 18-Aug-14 11:34:34

Wedgiebum I never said my relationship was perfect or that I was shitting myself. It would really help if you would read my posts before responding. It's more a grey area of I love my husband but I was feeling a bit insecure and emotional. If you were really so understanding about my loss you would understand that. I think as you have continued to post here you have shown your true colours and people can see your intention is not to be sympathetic but to push your own agenda. I am sorry you are so insecure that if someone disagrees with you then you have to resort to personal attacks like calling them stupid. That must be a difficult way to live.

Bouttimeforwine Mon 18-Aug-14 10:39:54

I think that is a bit unfair Red. I assume my comment above is being included.

I am the first one to say talk to resove issues and communicate etc. However trust is the number one aspect of my relationship. I never check up on Dh. I trust him implicitly and if he ever did this it would really make me doubt my relationship.

The signs look good, however I would need to be 100% sure. Not to trip him up but just so that I could give 100% into moving on with the relationship.

Yes to the counselling but it is easy for her to check whether he is lying in this instance, and that gives a firm basis whether the relationship is worth saving or not.

RedToothBrush Mon 18-Aug-14 10:02:14

I do dislike the projection on MN which automatically assumes the worse. It has the potential to do far more damage that the issue the poster has in the first place.

People are still at it, even though the OP has said she realises there is a problem and thinks that there are trust issues at the heart of the problem and wants to have couples counselling (which her partner seems to be in favour of).

It sounds like an excellent next step to tackle the issue that is clearly on the table, rather than trying to find more and read things into situations which might not be there (the counselling is supposed to be tackling this very issue!!!)

People do sometimes get insecure when something significant changes / is changing in their lives. Its very understandable and very common. Yet this is hardly ever really put on the table as a realistic option by posters on MN.

There needs to be far more moderation in these types of posts.

Yes sometimes the worse situation is happening, but then its a step by step process to establish that otherwise the relationship wasn't worth shit in the first place to the poster - regardless of the actions of their OH.

MN has the potential to strengthen relationships as well as help vulnerable women escape dreadful situations. I wish that people could be more objective in their replies, rather than thinking the worst or automatically assuming its a mirror to their own worlds.

meltedmonterayjack Mon 18-Aug-14 09:56:06

So sorry about your Grandma flowers

The problem with confronting him is that even if it wasnt bought for you, he'll just say it was. So you still wouldn't know if he's just saying it's to cheer you up just as a cover up if he's caught out.

mrsbrownsgirls Mon 18-Aug-14 09:40:32

what a nasty final remark, wedg.
OP , glad this has been resolved

Bouttimeforwine Mon 18-Aug-14 09:35:25

I'm sure that you are right and it was all above board fortunately, but I would definitely need to check the overtime just to make 100% sure.

Wedgiebum Mon 18-Aug-14 09:05:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Topaz25 Mon 18-Aug-14 01:46:44

I agree, it wouldn't be very nice for me or DH to be in a relationship with no trust. I don't feel the need to follow it up further. I am glad we had a chance to talk things through, I think it has helped us understand each other better. I think couples counselling will be helpful.

The ring is lovely but since I spoiled the surprise I said I will put it away till my birthday envy I can't wait to show it off!

Tikimon Mon 18-Aug-14 01:15:36

Yeah, I think if you ever got to the point of needing to follow it up further, such as ringing the shop person, getting an investigator, you should just leave. There's no point in sticking around if you can't trust him, even if it's just you being paranoid. Not a sign of a happy relationship.

It's good you're getting couple's counselling.

Real question, is the ring nice? grin

Topaz25 Mon 18-Aug-14 00:36:12

Sorry can't edit comments on here. There is no reason I should have to pull a thread because of one hurtful comment. A lot of other people have offered useful advice I would like to keep.

Topaz25 Mon 18-Aug-14 00:34:56

It's absolutely ok to express an alternate opinion to mine but not ok to use the fact that I am grieving to invalidate my opinion.

Topaz25 Mon 18-Aug-14 00:33:31

Wedgiebum Sun 17-Aug-14 18:07:21
"'I'm sad not stupid'. Ummmm. Ok. You post on AIBU and don't like the comments. Right. My post was sympathetic to your loss but from your own comments something doesn't add up and I was not the only one who felt this way. Good luck with your relationship. One last tip - you could try pulling the thread if you are happy with the outcome and require no more comments.... hmm"

Actually I liked practically all of the comments except yours. Because all of the other comments were simply expressing an opinion. You were implying that you are right, I am wrong and the only reason I can't see your obvious rightness is that I am blinded by grief. It couldn't possibly be because you are wrong. hmm

Bahhhhhumbug Sun 17-Aug-14 22:38:20


AgentZigzag Sun 17-Aug-14 22:21:42

For fairness, posters should slug it out for who's going to be Empress of the Thread SM would defo win

Bahhhhhumbug Sun 17-Aug-14 22:03:37

scottishmummy grin love the word 'daft' . Not heard that in ages.

itsfab so OP's spoken to her husband and is perfectly placed to know if he is lying or not. That must be why no wife has ever been deceived by her husband <rolls eyes> because 'she knows him better than us' (no shit Sherlock). I wasn't trying to be anything btw. this thread reminded me of that scene immediately I read it and I was making a comment to that effect on a public forum. Who died and made you thread empress?

Fairenuff I agree. But I hope for the OPs sake that is not the case.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 17-Aug-14 20:09:37

its amazing how many people dont read either all the thread, or op's posts (highlight them lol) and then reply

glad you asked him and happy with the reply

tbh most men dont know their partners ring size, bet many on here dont know their own (im a j)

natkingswoodbarnes Sun 17-Aug-14 19:26:56

yeah i think id have to ask - mind you i do agree with other posters - I dont know what my ring size is either so it might be totally innocent.. you might e ruining a pleasant surprisesmile

scottishmummy Sun 17-Aug-14 18:37:41

Bahhh,surprisingly you're not alone in your daft theories.
someone else recommended hire an investigator to follow him

Fairenuff Sun 17-Aug-14 18:36:40

I'm not sure OP, if he had bought it for someone else and you asked him, what plausible excuse could he come up with on the spot. The only believable thing is to say it is for you.

I would be checking up on the overtime just to be sure he is where he says he is. If so, then give him the benefit of the doubt. If not, well you will have to take it from there.

Itsfab Sun 17-Aug-14 18:28:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bahhhhhumbug Sun 17-Aug-14 18:14:47

Emma Thompson in that scene in 'Love Actually' when she gets her Xmas present of a CD and realises the expensive necklace she's discovered wasn't for her ! Anybody ?

scottishmummy Sun 17-Aug-14 18:14:27

Op,i actually though wedgie was being kind and acknowledging your loss
In no way did it come across as dig

Wedgiebum Sun 17-Aug-14 18:07:21

'I'm sad not stupid'. Ummmm. Ok. You post on AIBU and don't like the comments. Right. My post was sympathetic to your loss but from your own comments something doesn't add up and I was not the only one who felt this way. Good luck with your relationship. One last tip - you could try pulling the thread if you are happy with the outcome and require no more comments.... hmm

Vitalstatistix Sun 17-Aug-14 14:29:46

Makes sense to me.
You have someone you love. They have just suffered a loss. You are hurting that they are hurting. Circumstances mean they're away. What's more natural than thinking of them and your thoughts turning to their birthday, gifts, something nice you can do. You feel helpless because you know you cant take the pain away. Upset and stressed people snip and niggle at each other too. Distant can be about helplessness and inability to know how to help.
People always think the worst but truth is most people are decent, loving and thoughtful.
Im glad you asked him and that you are happy that he has told you the truth.

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