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to wonder why if 'dh/dp has always been violent/lazy/abusive...'

(32 Posts)
Sassyb0703 Fri 15-Aug-14 13:19:12

have just been browsing some of the threads to while away a long train journey and am struck by the amount of times I have seen this sentiment expressed...and want to ask.... If you have never known your dp/dh to be anything other than violent/ea/lazy/self centred. Why did you marry him/keep a relationship with him or most importantly have children with him ? Genuine question, not looking to criticize anyone's life choices just genuinely trying to work out what makes women tick

poguemahon Fri 15-Aug-14 13:21:47

This won't end well.

Not been in this situation myself, but from some of the threads I've seen on the relationships boards a lot of abusive partners start out nice as pie then very quickly change and it takes the victim a long time to process which of them is the 'real' bloke.

On top of that, I think a lot of people like to give others the benefit of the doubt.

But really, your OP is fucking insensitive and I hope you haven't upset anyone with your victim blaming.

Anomaly Fri 15-Aug-14 13:25:48

Its not women its people in general. You need to read up on abusive relationships. I'm sure you've heard of Stockholm syndrome well its a bit like that. In addition a lot of people involved in abusive relationships have also had abusive parents so their abusive relationship seems normal.

Fudgeface123 Fri 15-Aug-14 13:26:07

do you realise what a stupid, ignorant, patronising post that is?

Sassyb0703 Fri 15-Aug-14 13:27:47

No definitely not victim blaming as have done this myself in mistaken belief 'I could change him' sorry if post. has come across otherwise. just looking for other people's experiences and reasons why they it always for the children ? (and what if no children) . ?

gordyslovesheep Fri 15-Aug-14 13:28:40

because of many diverse reasons - if it was simple do you seriously think people would stay? hmm

sillystring Fri 15-Aug-14 13:28:41

Specifically alluding to "controlling" behaviour which may or may not include violence/ea/laziness/self centred side orders, it often doesn't manifest itself until the victim is fairly entrenched in the relationship, i.e. mortgate, dcs etc. By then they've been alienated from friends and family and rely on Mr/Mrs Controlling to provide all their daily needs and it's a terribly difficult thing to escape. Lolling at "what makes women tick". Yeah, that'll go down well...

"what makes women tick"?

Really, what a strange comment in relation to such a sensitive subject. Women aren't a homogenous mass, they are each individuals with their own life stories. There are a range of reasons why individuals get stuck in abusive relationships.

MadameOvary Fri 15-Aug-14 13:32:27

Really OP, you should go away and read up on Domestic Abuse. I imagine you're going to get flamed for that post...

NamesNick Fri 15-Aug-14 13:34:11

what makes women tick...?

well of course its the biological clock innit hmm

thenightsky Fri 15-Aug-14 13:36:34

I had a friend who said her lovely DH changed into an abuse arse the minute the ink was dry on the marriage certificate. She had no clue up until that point.

Another friend had a child very quickly and by accident with a manchild type of bloke. She'd had a shocking upbringing herself and felt this was her one hope of finally have a 'real family' (her words).

So everyone's different OP... what a suprise!

Sassyb0703 Fri 15-Aug-14 13:37:30

Ok,.I really have worded original post badly/thoughtlessly and stupidly lumped ea and violence in with general lazy useless partners and take that back unreservedly. My question should really have been about the latter. I am interested in why many women. myself included often put up with such behaviour for years and persue relationships that appear to have been not what we really want from the start and then get frustrated that the dp/dh behaves true to form ?.

poguemahon Fri 15-Aug-14 13:39:54

So what you actually want to know is why 'women' stay in relationships with lazy men?

You'd have to ask them, surely? Everyone's reasons will be different. Perhaps their lazy men have other redeeming features?

Pyjamaramadrama Fri 15-Aug-14 13:41:56

Many reasons. But it really isn't that simple.

I was going to start typing a long reply explaining some of the ins and outs but I don't think it's worth it.

There are a million complex reasons why people end up trapped in bad relationships. Whether the being trapped is financial, safety or just in their own mind.

Droflove Fri 15-Aug-14 13:43:24

I think until you experience it yourself you won't understand. I had a controlling and verbally/emotionally/heading for physically abusive ex. I'm a strong and very independent person who grew up in a secure, loving home. But he did suddenly switch after a year together and I amazingly stayed for 3 after that. When he called me names it bounced off in my case as I was and am confident and secure in myself but I did find myself walking on eggshells a lot and deeply frustrated, upset and lost when he went off on one. When I finally made the break from him it hurt me terribly to think of him as hurt and lonely without me but I knew I would never marry someone who treated me so badly so I had to leave him. I think what you have to realise is that you can care deeply for someone and be emotionally attached to them even when they treat you badly. If you have low self esteem, maybe even more so. When he did something awful to me I cried my heart out because I wished so much he hadn't done it as he could never take it back and I would never be able to forget or forgive it, even though I stayed. I always felt so much regret at those time, regret that he couldn't be a better person. And for me it was that feeling that made me want to protect him, ie. Stay with him. But I always knew I was going to go. It's a terrible shock when your supposedly loving partner suddenly call you a stupid batch for no reason. You spend so much time trying to figure out why you put leaving on the back burner.

Droflove Fri 15-Aug-14 13:48:21

As for the generally rubbish partners as opposed to abusive ones. You often can't tell how rubbish someone is till you have already invested yourself in them. For most people, whether they realise it or not, their partner forms a part of their identity so once that has happened, its very hard to cut that person off from you. Add to that the complexity of Finances/children etc.

Fairenuff Fri 15-Aug-14 13:50:56

I think OP is talking about women who have children with men who have always been lazy but then complain about how lazy the men are.

Not those that either suddenly or gradually change.

BertieBotts Fri 15-Aug-14 13:56:03

I used to think that good men who had everything didn't exist or were vanishingly rare. So if they had bad parts, that was just normal and you had to put up with that if you wanted a relationship. And if they had certain good parts, then that was really rare and you should hang onto them because you aren't likely to meet anybody else with those characteristics anyway.

It's sad, looking back, that I had apparently never met or come across any decent men. If I teach my children anything the most important thing I can give them is that the opposite sex isn't another species and they aren't that different from you, the biggest thing being that all men/women aren't a huge mass, you don't have to listen to anybody who tells you "all" men/women are like X.

Really I'm not sure what I thought was good about a relationship like that, but I had swallowed the cognitive dissonance which is "men are shit, but you really want a relationship with one. They will make you unhappy, but you can't be happy without a relationship".

however Fri 15-Aug-14 14:14:50

Fudgeface, If you've had a perfectly normal life surrounded by perfectly normal and decent role models, It isn't a stupid question at all. It's a perfectly reasonable one.

OP, there are answers to your questions:


and here

and here

that will get you started.

You know, violent people don't often dish out black eyes on the first date. Did you know most of them up the ante at a woman's most vulnerable time - either just pregnant, or having just given birth? And they've put in the ground work before that. Isolating her from friends and family and chipping away at self esteem.

In fact, OP, you probably know someone who is suffering emotional or physical abuse at the hands of her partner. You're just unaware of it. It's that widespread.

AbbieHoffmansAfro Fri 15-Aug-14 14:15:49

Why did you stay, OP?

CatThiefKeith Fri 15-Aug-14 15:25:41

My abusive ex was the funniest, kindest, loving man ever for the first two years of our relationship. He made me feel like the most important woman in the whole world, and I loved him as madly as he loved me.

Right up until the point he convinced me to move 250 miles from my friends and family for our 'dream job'.

He turned me into a nervous, quivering wreck within 6 months. The gaslighting, the undermining of my confidence, and the weight gain were just a prelude though.

For the last 2 months I lived in absolute terror, walking on eggshells, waiting for him to slap me about for some imagined slight, flirting with a customer or 'driving him to it'

I was too terrified to leave him, too ashamed to tell my parents and friends, too embarrassed after I'd made such a song and dance about how wonderful he (and our new job and the big house that came with it) was to admit that my dream life had become a living hell.

And I didn't have children.

HappyAgainOneDay Fri 15-Aug-14 16:43:08

I'm so glad you took the step and he's now your ex, CatThiefKeith. You now have years ahead of you. I know how hard it is to make the break because it took me nearly 30 years to get rid of mine.....

HermioneWeasley Fri 15-Aug-14 17:35:56

OP, I have often wondered the same - not about DV but when the OP is on her fourth child, bemoaning the lack of support from her partner and saying "he's always been lazy and useless" and I just think "whhhhhhyyyyyy????!!!!"

deakymom Fri 15-Aug-14 18:01:23

they don't start that way thats why

why are you judging peoples relationships? on here you only see when it has gone wrong

BramshawHill Fri 15-Aug-14 18:08:58

My ex started out lovely, it's only when I'd 'committed' to the relationship that he turned violent and nasty. I certainly wouldn't have stuck around if he'd punched holes in the walls on our first date, I only did it 4 years down the line when we had a newborn because I saw no way to escape. I think it's very easy to just say 'leave' when you're outside the relationship looking in.

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