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AIBU to insist on having a veto on my unborn daughter's name?

(101 Posts)
mumminio Fri 15-Aug-14 00:55:46

We are expecting a little girl, which will be the first girl in both our extended families.

My husband wants to name our daughter after MIL or MIL's mother, in honour of his mother, who he adores. I understand that, but don't like either of their names at all (they are similar to each other). Husband has said he is willing to compromise, but has rejected everything I have suggested.

MIL is tolerable, but we don't get on brilliantly, and there have been issues in our marriage where I have to put my foot down to avoid being put second to my husband's family.

AIBU? Has anyone been through this already? We have other children, but their naming was so simple!

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Fri 15-Aug-14 01:01:41

Of course YANBU.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Fri 15-Aug-14 01:02:52

Could mil's name be amiddle name, or does she have a middle name or maiden name you could use as a middle name?

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy Fri 15-Aug-14 01:05:05

So she was born, say, Joan Elizabeth Baxter dd is Sophie Elizabeth Minio or Sophie Baxter Minio (names invented)

weegiemum Fri 15-Aug-14 01:11:12

Don't ever name your child anything you don't like!

My dd2 is Rachel Jessie

Rachel is my dh's grandmother who died 2 weeks before dd2 was born. Jessie is my gran's name - she died when Rachel had just turned 3.

But we were very happy with the names (my Gran, though, said "I wish I'd had a better name to give to that bairn!!)

Name as you want. It's your decision!!

ravenAK Fri 15-Aug-14 01:14:01


I think it's fair to let him veto your choices (assuming you're in an ongoing relationship), but not vice versa.

RockinHippy Fri 15-Aug-14 01:14:38


Simpky tell your DH that when he is carrying for 9 months & then going through the pain of labour, he has a right to be willing to compromise - as that's not happening, he is been a cheeky fecker & to wind his neck in, you dont like the names, so it just isn't happening & he had better start being more open minded about your name choices, which are already compromises, or you will pull rank & he loses all say & you get to choose - end of -

say it with a laugh or a manic look & blame the hormones, whatever suits you, but makes sure he knows, that if he can't be reasonable, then you are pulling rank wink

MummyBeerest Fri 15-Aug-14 01:32:52

What would be a compromise?

A variation of the name?

Using one as a middle name?

Or just picking one you both like?

cathpip Fri 15-Aug-14 01:44:37

I had this problem, you just keep going till you both like a name, end off. Anyway what about your mums or grandmas name? Why does it have to be his? I did suggest mil's name as a middle name though, could that be an idea? ( I highly suspect that the "willingness too compromise" and then him hating every other suggestion is him having a strop for not getting his way though smile) you can tell him that bit too!

AdoraBell Fri 15-Aug-14 02:12:55

Of course YANBU.

Ask DH to come up with a list of names, use MIL's as a middle name.

That's what we did, twin DDs, one has MILs name and one has the feminine version of my late father. Loads of families do that without any problem at all.

AdoraBell Fri 15-Aug-14 02:15:05

And if he remains adamant don't leave him to register the birth while you are busy with a new born.

ADHDNoodles Fri 15-Aug-14 03:42:00

In our family you use the middle name to name your child after one of their family members, in DH family it is tradition to name your child after a biblical person (applies more to the boys). We broke tradition and gave our DD a completely unique and original name. I want her to have her own name to live up to and avoid the minefield that is family politics.

Anyway, yes you should both like the name you're picking out. If he can veto your names, you can veto his.

mumminio Fri 15-Aug-14 04:01:03

Pleasantly surprised that I'm not BU! I do wonder whether the lack of ability to compromise is just a negotiating tool on my husband's part hmm but will suggest using MIL's name as a middle name, along with a second middle name from my side of the family.

Thumbwitch Fri 15-Aug-14 04:05:23

MIddle name definitely the way to go. I got my Great gran's middle name as my middle name (which was also one of my Mum's middle names, the other one was her own mum's name) and my sister copped my Mum's name as a middle name.

I would have loved to have honoured my own gran in this way but hated both her names, and then didn't have a DD anyway - and my sister used the only acceptable derivation of my gran's name for her 3rd DD anyway.

partialderivative Fri 15-Aug-14 04:16:40

Rockinhippy but makes sure he knows, that if he can't be reasonable, then you are pulling rank

OP has stated that her husband is willing to compromise, he just hasn't liked any of her suggestions yet. Why is that so unreasonable?

Where does all this 'pulling rank' business come from? Very weird imho.

Brittabot Fri 15-Aug-14 04:43:37

I do think it's a bit unfair when people say when your DH spends 9 months pregnant then they can call the baby what they want as that isn't usually an option!

You write 10 names, he writes 10 names, and you both keep going until you get a match! Middle names to honour family.

Thumbwitch Fri 15-Aug-14 05:00:47

Also, when we had Ds1, DH wanted to use his father's name somehow, but as it's also my brother's name, and we don't speak because of mutual dislike, I wouldn't do it. Luckily DH's dad had a middle name, so we used that instead grin

headlesslambrini Fri 15-Aug-14 06:20:58

I had similar when choosing names. I told DH that it would be respectful to include as a middle name but that the baby was an individual and deserved its own name so that it didnt end up being compared to someone else.

As it happened, the only name we both liked for DS is my Dads name - but we use a variation of it.

TomatoSorbetWoman Fri 15-Aug-14 06:26:28

I don't like naming babies after dead relatives myself. Or living ones unless you just like he name.

drLu Fri 15-Aug-14 06:55:08

He's being unreasonable not me. I have a similar relationship with my MIL she's ok and we get on to a point but no way would I name my baby after her!! The way I see it if you're married you've probably taken his surname! Not to mention I do believe the woman, whilst both need to agree, needs to have final say, after all she has to go through for birth and labour!

I'd love to give our baby girl my mums name as a middle name but I'd never suggest it as it would upset mil and wouldn't be fair on dh so we're just staying clear of parents names.

Delphiniumsblue Fri 15-Aug-14 07:05:57

Just use it as second name, or even as a third name.

scottishmummy Fri 15-Aug-14 07:27:00

until a woman can produce sperm then he gets to chose.Man should pull rank
Which is as daft as saying when he carries a baby,blah blah
Negotiation style shouldn't be based upon whos up the duff gets to pull rank

ShadowStar Fri 15-Aug-14 07:29:12


YY to having it as a middle name as a compromise.

The first name should be one that you both like.

however Fri 15-Aug-14 07:40:16

Middle name is a good compromise, but if I hated it, I still wouldn't use it.

All my kids have middle names that I chose, from my side of the family.

They have their fathers surname. Everyone's a winner.

however Fri 15-Aug-14 07:40:39

' <<there's the missing apostrophe....

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