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AIBU to be cross that my dad has given my 50 year-old deadbeat brother a job?

(45 Posts)
williaminajetfighter Wed 13-Aug-14 21:00:59

My 50 year old brother has just been given a Director's role at one of my Dad's businesses and I am fuming...! AIBU to be so cross??

The background: My brother is a software engineer and had a good job until 10 years ago when he decided to quit to start his own consultancy. His consultancy never actually resulted in ANY work and not a single client. He had ideas about programs he wanted to develop, and worked on things, but generally his consultancy was purely a tax write-off and a way for him to toodle around. This seemed to be a big driver in his successful wife leaving him (7 years ago). Since then he has spent his time embroiled in divorce proceedings and 'working on software ideas' spending all his savings, pension and regular handouts from my father. In the last few years my brother has reluctantly looked for employment and been offered some roles but none are 'good enough' for him as he expects a director or very senior level role despite his lack of recent experience and very poor interpersonal skills. Seriously. He has totally run out of money and even then turned down roles.

Enter my dad - he is a retired CEO who owns a number of companies and is a key shareholder in others. He has a business that he has sunk a huge amount of money into. The business is doing fine although the usual niggles. But it turns out he has made my brother the Director of Engineering and paying him a huge sum (6 figure salary) to 'fix' parts of the company. The company HQ is in Europe so my brother gets to work from home most of the time, get paid flights into the HQ and a flat to stay at. It is a sweet deal. Even if the company goes under (which it may very well do if my awkward brother pisses off all the other senior staff!) my brother will now be able to look for a job from a much more senior, active role. My brother has become all 'smug' about his new role - he's 'soooo busy' and there is 'so much that he needs to sort out that no one else can seem to fix'. Snort!

I KNOW, I KNOW.. I should be grateful that my father is in a position to help him 'get back on his feet' but, holy cow, I've been working FT for the last 20 years and I'm still not at a Director level! I don't want my Dad to help me in this way and I'm happy with my career but... AIBU to be pissed off about this? It's the old 'prodigal son' story I think!!

Pumpkinpositive Wed 13-Aug-14 21:08:43

How has your brother been living these past 10 years if he has literally been making no money?

Enquiring minds want to know!

williaminajetfighter Wed 13-Aug-14 21:12:56

While he was married, my brother lived off wife's income. Since then he has been living off savings, previous investments, his pension (cashed in), payouts from his wife (alimony) and regular handouts from my dad (eg. 20k per year. really!!!) Argh. Nice if you can get it!

Itsjustmeagain Wed 13-Aug-14 21:14:29

I would see it the other way . Your dad saw you building your own successful career/ life and didn't think you needed him to bail you out. He feels sorry for your brother And basically is still caring for him as you would a child. In all likelyhood your father is far more proud of you than your brother.

JuanPotatoTwo Wed 13-Aug-14 21:15:05

Well william I suspect a lot of people will tell you yabu and to mind yer own smile But having an even more deadbeat brother of my own working (inefficiently and ineffectively) in a job provided by family, I have every sympathy. Don't think there's a whole lot you can do about the situation though. Hopefully, your brother's true colours will become apparent and your dad will realise he may have made a mistake. Or, best case scenario, your brother will prove a success at the job and you'll all live happily ever after.

williaminajetfighter Wed 13-Aug-14 21:17:31

Thanks ItsJust. My Dad is a very very kind person and would help anyone.

But I also think this form of nepotism undermines his role at his company - it's one thing to bring in an experienced specialist but to parachute in your own unemployed son into a senior role. Doesn't look good....although I'm sure it's more common than I think.

ICanSeeTheSun Wed 13-Aug-14 21:17:53

My brother is the same, be proud you did it on your own.

williaminajetfighter Wed 13-Aug-14 21:18:23

Thanks Juan. I expect a flurry of YABU to come through shortly! smile

ImperialBlether Wed 13-Aug-14 21:18:29

Ugh. I know this is going to sound sexist but he's emasculated himself there, hasn't he?

Does his ex know that he's now earning a good salary?

Is there anything in your dad's companies you would want to do? Would he be willing to help you in the same way as far as your career's concerned?

williaminajetfighter Wed 13-Aug-14 21:21:29

Hi Imperial. I work in the arts/heritage sector and want to stay in this sector so no real desire to leap into my dad's company. But I also know my Dad has promised my brother that if the company is successful and my brother 'turns it around' he will 'give it to him' - it has a value of over 10m. (My dad is in late 70s so doing some 'secession' planning IYSWIM). Sigh.

Darkesteyes Wed 13-Aug-14 21:29:51

Willamina do you think your dad would have been as willing to help if your bro was a sis.

JuanPotatoTwo Wed 13-Aug-14 21:31:12

I imagine most people who know your dad will think kindly of him and his altruistic (I think that's the word I mean!) nature. He sounds immensely successful so he can laugh in the face of their undermining smile

This may make you look on your brother in a slightly more lenient fashion - my brother was overheard one day saying to a fellow staff member "don't you know who I am?" I would have shot him instantly if I had been there. So glad I rarely see him.

ICanSeeTheSun Wed 13-Aug-14 21:34:11

Would your dad help you out if you needed to.

Let say you wanted to open an auction house and needed the capital to open one would he give you the money.

Your dad is a CEO who is 70 I just hope he knows what he is doing.

williaminajetfighter Wed 13-Aug-14 21:44:15

Dark I think that you've hit the nail on the head. My dad is quite traditional and very concerned that a male in the family isn't very successful so sees it as his duty to fix that. He is quite sexist in that regard.

By contrast, my dad has v little interest in my work/career.... perhaps this is probably why I'm a bit more resentful about this whole thing because it's about ensuring the men in the family are on six-figure salaries and that my brother is successful like his daddy!!!

williaminajetfighter Wed 13-Aug-14 21:44:38

I can - I would love to open an auction house!!! One day...

wafflyversatile Wed 13-Aug-14 21:59:02

Would you rather be you or your brother?

BookABooSue Wed 13-Aug-14 22:08:12

Do you think your dad is actually starting to plan how he will retire and hence wants one of his family involved in at least one of his businesses? Since you're very settled in your sector, I guess the only other option is to start grooming your brother to take over iyswim.

Also if your dad is such a succesful businessman then I'd hope that if your db starts to piss people off, your ddad will suddenly find something else for him to do . . . in a different company . . .where he doesn't need to speak to people and your ddad's legacy isn't under threat grin

Darkesteyes Wed 13-Aug-14 22:09:30

Yep Thought as much hmm

Darkesteyes Wed 13-Aug-14 22:11:31

when he (your dad) is even older it wont be your bro doing any caring or fetching and carrying i bet.

wafflyversatile Wed 13-Aug-14 22:58:09

I would be pissed off at the sexism too.

I'd also be pissed off at not being handed a six figure salary job. I've no interest in building my own empire. Far too much like hard work. grin

shareacokewithnoone Wed 13-Aug-14 23:01:10

Would you lot not help your adult DCs out. I would confused

williaminajetfighter Wed 13-Aug-14 23:27:13

Thx for all your comments. I would always help my adult DC out but if my son had behaved like a complete d**k for years I'm not sure if I would give him a golden, well-paid job on a platter. There are definitely other, lesser options available!

ilovesooty Wed 13-Aug-14 23:42:26

I think I'd be pissed off as well. It's a human and natural reaction. You sound as though you've done really well and have a lot to be proud of.

WooWooOwl Thu 14-Aug-14 00:01:06

I can see that it might grate in a sibling type way, but really, what's the problem?

It doesn't affect you, it's a good thing for your brother whom you presumably love, and it will make your Dad feel more comfortable as he gets older.

If your dad has sexist views that you disagree with, then that's a separate issue and it's just that the job has brought it to the forefront of your mind.

BuggersMuddle Thu 14-Aug-14 00:16:09

The sexism thing would drive me potty.

I recognise the 6 figure thing. I have a relative who suggested that because his brother had a degree, a private school education and was in his 50s, he 'ought to be earning 6 figures', to which I responded 'why?'. Well off parents, good education so he 'just should'. Erm, no.

Fortunately the person in question was not in a position to 'make it happen' for the other relative at the expense of themselves or others, but I do recognise the view.

It's amazing how people can be so savvy in business and yet so blinkered when it comes to their nearest and dearest.

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