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Aibu to be upset my mum does not want to live with us

(79 Posts)
Stresshead123 Wed 13-Aug-14 10:49:14

I am upset with my mum as my dh & I asked if she would like for us both to sell our houses & buy a big house together (ours worth twice as much as theirs). My parents stay at their static caravan for 9/10 months of the year which they love they are mid 60,s. I have a brother with mental health problems who lives with them (but doesnt go to their van with them) he isn't much bother but has agoraphobia/depression etc. We are worried for the future if my parents stay in their house as if need a carehome etc what will happen to my brother if they go in a care home etc plus it's 15 miles from where we live & I know I am going to be driving back & forth etc as they age to help them/& brother. Also I have an autistic son who takes a lot of my time. When we put forward the idea & how much it would save them in gas/electric bills etc my mum said "she couldn't live with me" & that really upset me. In my & dh eyes it would be perfect solution my brother would benefit, my dad is all up for the idea as they don't live in a great area & their house is very small & no central heating. We had reassured mum that we would get mortgage protection plus pay off mortgage in 10 years so we would be secure. If we lived together the money they saved would help with upgrading their caravan, give them a good quality of life. It's not about money but I know that I am going to be left to deal with everything at some point in the future if anything happens to their health.Am I being unreasonable to be upset she doesnt want to live with us?

Choochootrain1 Wed 13-Aug-14 10:53:44

At this point YABU,

If at some point in the future something does happen to their health then it might be worth revisiting the idea.

MostWicked Wed 13-Aug-14 10:58:23

You are thinking about this from your own point of view, about how much easier it will be for you. Yes there are advantages for them, but that is not the driving force behind your desire to do this. She's clearly not reading to give up her independence yet and you are taking that personally rather than just accepting that this is her wishes.

OwlCapone Wed 13-Aug-14 11:00:02

I couldn't live with my parents. I love them both dearly but I wouldn't want to live with them. I don't think you should take it personally.

My maternal grandmother lived with my parents when we were growing up and until she went into a carehome in her 90s. As children it was great but I think my dad in particular found it a strain even though it meant no baby sitting problems. Living with someone is hard work I think.

WienerDiva Wed 13-Aug-14 11:00:47

I think you're very lovely suggesting it. I couldn't suggest it myself because the thought of living with my mum would result in me being sectioned (not kidding, had to go to the drs when I last lived with her when our house was being renovated). However if it was only for 2-3 months a year I could totally do it.

On paper it sounds like a great idea, especially for your brother, maybe it just has to be presented in a different way.

If I was you I'd probably be a bit offended but you have to take it on the chin. It might also be because she doesn't want to have to answer to anyone about anything (repairs on a property, being mindful of others when she wants to sit in her pants, eat Rich Teas and watch Pointless).

Don't be upset, have a chat with your dad and see if he can talk to her.

Surfsup1 Wed 13-Aug-14 11:03:00

Would they consider a Duplex arrangement so that you lived independently but were actually under the same roof?

4seasons Wed 13-Aug-14 11:04:16

I know you were just being thoughtful and thinking of the future for them .. ... and for yourself .... but this is far too soon in my opinion . I am mid sixties and don't want to live with anyone else thank you very much ! I like having my own home and the freedom to do what the hell I like , when I like . If they were mid eighties I could understand your point of view a bit better . Leave them to enjoy their lives for as long as possible without trying to organise them . If my daughter or son suggested this solution I would refuse , as your mum has done .

Stresshead123 Wed 13-Aug-14 11:04:54

Choocho thanks for reply, we thought same about waiting but will probably be priced out of the area we live in which we were planning to buy (great area kids in good schools son with autism settled etc). We think it's basically now or never due to the house prices slowly creeping. Meaning the gap between sale of ours & bigger house will be too big by then

AMumInScotland Wed 13-Aug-14 11:08:51

YABU. You've come up with this idea because you are looking ahead to problems that haven't happened yet, and are trying to 'fix' them before they happen.

Your mother doesn't want to. She wants to live her life her way while she can. I've no doubt she'll have considered what might happen in the future, but decided that doesn't mean she has to change the way she lives now.

Neither of you is wrong, you just have different views and priorities at the moment. There's no need to be upset that another person's views don't exactly match your own. Life's like that.

Bouttimeforwine Wed 13-Aug-14 11:12:12

I love my family greatly too, but couldn't imagine living with them. It would be the same with great friends. You get set in your ways and I'm sure it would spoil great relationships being under each other's feet so much.

I am too selfish to even consider the amount of compromising I would have to do. I like being master dp does have some say honestly in my own house.

Don't take it personally.

Maybe a granny flat would work?

sebsmummy1 Wed 13-Aug-14 11:13:33

Your Mother has the right to live independently so you are being totally unreasonable IMO. Why should she give up her home to share your home? I think she is being extremely sensible to say no.

These arrangements can work but I suspect often don't. People get under each other's feet and on each other's nerves and then you can't get out of the situation as all your money is tied up. Leave your patents alone and let them live their own lives.

LarrytheCucumber Wed 13-Aug-14 11:15:30

I am in my 60s and won't be considering moving closer to my children for at least 10 (and hopefully 20) years. I think you are jumping the gun a bit.

Stresshead123 Wed 13-Aug-14 11:17:58

Getting some great replies thanks everyone can I just add that it is only 8 weeks out of the year she would have to put up with me dh said they could go to benidorm/Cyprus with the money they would be saving she probably wouldn't even have to live with us much at all. The houses we had in mind would mean they had their own living room & possibly even own kitchen too. I also would preferred have asked when
They were older but this is probably a now or never due to the houses in our area being at an all time low.

Surfsup1 Wed 13-Aug-14 11:18:15

My MIL was just saying the other day, that although she's in her mid-60s she doesn't feel any older (except in the joints) than when she was in her 30s.
I think you may have jumped the gun.

If house prices rise then surely your property and your parent's property will both rise so surely the combined proceeds should be able to buy you a single large house down the track if the need arises?

Bouttimeforwine Wed 13-Aug-14 11:21:42

But it may come a time when they are too old for gadding around so much. Perhaps they are thinking they will need a few years spending more and more time at home.

I think the only way this could possibly work is an annex with its own front door and completely independent living.

MrsRuffdiamond Wed 13-Aug-14 11:28:06

How would you see this panning out, op? What if your parents did come to live with you? It sounds fine now, as they are both independent, but if they do become infirm and need looking after, do you really think that you would be able to manage on your own, with your brother and own child(ren) in the mix? If they needed carers to come in, or to go into a nursing home, how would this be funded, if their money was tied up in your joint dwelling?

You would potentially be creating a very difficult situation, by moving them in with you. I can understand the thinking behind it, but the reality of looking after one elderly person is draining enough, and the cost of care can be astronomical.

FurryDogMother Wed 13-Aug-14 11:36:07

I think you also have to see it as moving in together, not your parents moving in with you. This means that any shared kitchen would be as much your parents' as yours, same with any other shared living space. Your Mum probably feels that she doesn't want to share her space with someone else at the moment (mid 60s is pretty young, really).

Think of it in reverse - if your parents had come up with the suggestion that you buy somewhere between you all, and you move in with them - how would you feel? Perhaps as though you would be giving up some independence and privacy? Well, that's probably how your Mum feels about it. It's not a rejection of you, as such, it's that she's not ready to give up her own private space.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams Wed 13-Aug-14 11:40:14

You are essentially proposing to sell both properties and have your brother live with you full-time, with your parents joining you for 2 months of the year and rising as they get older??

I suspect you have received a flat no from your mother as she intends for your brother to be left their house.

Do you really want your brother to have equity in your family home?

PumpkinPie2013 Wed 13-Aug-14 11:55:13

Maybe your mum just wants her independance and likes going to the van with your dad?

Tbh I love my parents dearly and I love my MIL but I couldn't live with any of them! Equally, if we asked I'm sure they would say the same.

It's difficult to have lots of adults in one house when they may want to do things differently, have different meals at different times etc.

I'd leave it for now as your parents are happy as they are. You can always revisit the idea if things change.

Surfsup1 Wed 13-Aug-14 12:10:44

MrsRuffDiamon makes a very good point.

How would you pay for professional care for your parents, which may well be necessary for an extended period of time in their latter years?

Stresshead123 Wed 13-Aug-14 13:35:18

Thanks very much for everyone's advice really appreciate your opinions & given me lot to think about.

MissPenelopeLumawoo Wed 13-Aug-14 13:36:28

Are you intending to sell both houses to enable the purchase of the bigger house? Could you not just go ahead and buy a bigger house for yourselves, if the prices are good at the moment?

If you are pooling resources, what happens to your brother in the event of your parents death? Would he still live with you? What would happen if you then wanted to sell up, and he didn't? I can only see masses of problems with this arrangement. I think your Mum is right to be wary.

LarrytheCucumber Wed 13-Aug-14 16:41:39

*Stresshead my mother told me she wouldn't come and live near me even if I asked her (DF wasn't consulted)- and then promptly moved to be near my sister. It was hurtful at the time but now I am quite glad that my sister has to be on hand whenever they need her and I am an hour and a half away.
Don't take it to heart too much. There might come a time when you look back and say 'So glad we didn't...'

LifeHuh Wed 13-Aug-14 17:20:35

I wouldn't be happy to be planning for my decline and care home stay etc in my mid 60s,which sadly isn't unimaginably far away - or at least not to the extent of selling my house and moving in with family,if I was fit and well .And I'd be cross to have it suggested by my children,being an adult and generally liking to plan my own life.For heavens sake,hopefully it will be years before your parents need help because of health may never happen,for that matter.
And would your brother want to do this? Has he other problems besides agaraphobia and depression which prevent him having views on how he will live? He presumably lives independently while your parents are at their van?
It is worth thinking seriously about whether it will make everyone happy,however convenient a solution this is.

fun1nthesun Wed 13-Aug-14 17:44:20

I think it's her decision, but you sound lovely flowers

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