To not want baby to visit DP's house unless it is clean?(37 Posts)
Newbie to MN and young newbie mum to be here! Since my due date is coming closer this same scenario has went through my head and I'd love some honest opinions from all you mums out there!
Let me start with a bit of background, when I first got together with DP he seemed almost reluctant to bring me over to his house. At first I thought it was me until he explained that his house was messy and that he was embarrassed. Now I was shocked at just how messy the house really was but put it aside and got on very well with his family. Now that I'm pregnant and DS is getting ready to come into the world and DP and I have gotten a place of our own recently DP's parents (particularly his mum) are already asking when DS can sleepover/come over.
DP's parents really are lovely people and I do get on with them and enjoy speaking to/spending time with them but IMO the house just wouldn't be suitable for a newborn. DP's parents, more so mum, are hoarders so the house is in chaos most times. Clothes and other objects overflow the bath tub, bathroom has all over the floor, sink, shower, mold in corners/in shower, dust gathering everywhere. Clothes, dirty dishes, dirt/dust over floor, random objects they have collected litter the living room. The kitchen has dirty dishes piling out of the sink and onto any available surface, bits of old food cover the floor/counters, empty bottles and cans all over floor, fridge needs a serious clear out from the smell, more random objects/papers everywhere. Upstairs and the stairs themselves are literally covered with clothes/boxes of clothes, carpet beetles found in nooks/under beds, I've had a nasty case of bed bugs from staying before. DP's mum works part time (5 hours a week) and has admitted she should be cleaning but she can't be bothered, DP's father tries but he works 50+ hours and is sometimes too worn out. I'm sorry it was so long and TMI, I just wanted to explain as best I could.
I've spoken to DP about this and told him my fears for DS to which he blows up and thinks I'm being a bitch because in his words "His parents have been nothing but nice to me and the house was good enough for me to stay in before we had our own place so why not DS." I honestly don't know what to do since I know his parents are nice people and mean well and I don't want to hurt DP since it's a touchy/uncomfortable subject for him but I worry about DS's health.
I'm like this about my own parents' house and my one-year-old. I reckon you don't have to worry about it for at least three years - at LEAST - because your ready-made excuse is, s/he's too small to sleep over without me yet. That's just putting the problem off admittedly but I don't think I slept over anywhere without my parents until I was about twelve to be honest so you might be able to milk it for years.
You can't change his parents, neither can he, and he's understandably sensitive about them. So try and make it be about you wanting to keep your baby with you is my advice.
YANBU especially as certain types of mold can cause breathing problems. Perhaps you could talk to dps mother about it? Just say the midwife has warned you about mold and dust damaging baby's lungs. Or even suggesting she hires someone to do a deep clean that they can then maintain.
How can he call you a bitch when he apologised to you when you first met for a messy house?
Clutter and dust are normal and probably ok in most houses.
Dishes, bugs, mold, trash, food... That's unsanitary and a health risk.
DP is ok with it, most likely because admitting it's bad for DS means having to admit his parents are dysfunctional and have MH issues. Surely your place isn't like that?
Explain to them DS can come over any time but, they need to clean the place up. All of it. Tell them babies have fragile immune systems and you don't want him getting sick from all the bacteria.
Disgusting as it is, it would actually probably help him build up one hell of an immune system. Still, all that clutter, there's bound to be choking hazards everywhere.
Bed bugs are serious shit. Have they had the rooms treated?
The idea of bed bugs crawling all over newborn silky skin give me the shudders.
tell your DP it's nothing to do with them, that they are lovely, but their house is filthy. And you can point out he was reluctant to take you there in the first place because of its state!
Are you planning to breastfeed? That gives you an excuse not to leave your baby at all which no one can argue with, at least for the first few months.
However, my worry would actually be when the baby is crawling/walking because the house sounds like a danger to a mobile baby. I don't know what you can do apart from either keep making up excuses or bring yourself to explain to them directly why you don't want to bring the baby round. Maybe it will give them an incentive to start to tackle the problem?
I'm afraid I've been thinking of that as an excuse too, monal and it could work though DP would know the better and might kick up a fuss!
Spotty, would it be bitchy or rude if I came out with something like that after staying over myself before?
Funky, to DP it's a really touchy/trigger subject. He was embarrassed about it but with me adapting I think calmed him abit so for me to suddenly come out with being worried about DS's health because of the house caused him to blow up. He's lived like that all his life with them so he sees it as normal, or that's just my opinion.
ADHD, defiantly not! My grandparents (lived with them most my life because of bad issues with parents) kept a lovely home, they weren't OCD and neither am I so I keep a wan house by example. DP can let things like laundry pile up and really only cleans when he feels it's in desperate need or I tell him to.
Also ..em sorry if I'm not replying properly, very new to this!
My baby would visit a house rarely, never without me and would be allowed to stay over when hell freezes over.
I don't care if others thinks that makes me precious or rude. My house is clean - not perfect, just an acceptable standard. My PILs isn't, it's grim and a health hazard. Mould in the fridge that's probably been there for a decade. Fucking filthy, in my opinion.
I'm honestly hesitant to tell my MW anything because I know DP will be furious that I've told someone else, even posting here makes me somewhat nervous but I'm between a rock and a hard place!
Sadly because of medical reasons I can't BF so that excuse is out the window and I have no idea how to bring up the subject without causing offensive since anything I say will sound offensive to them and they could bring up that their two boys were raised like that and turned out just fine. Though I'm not sure if the house was this bad when they first moved in.
And your baby doesn't have to stay away from you until you're ready. That might be at 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years. You don't have to justify it, and please don't be bullied into it. Stand up for what's best for your child - start practicing now
Well I doubt you'd want to leave your newborn with them for a while anyway, breast feeding is an even better excuse as you can't be away. Infact you don't need an excuse, it's your baby.
I would speak to your midwife for advice, untidiness is one thing but actual dirt, bed bugs, food everywhere is just unhygienic and I would stand your ground about it. If your DH cannot see how there is a big difference to you staying there and a baby, well you need to be firm or get the midwife to have a word.
If they are actually hoarding to the level that you suggest, it's a really complex issue, and very difficult to broach with them, but ultimately, if they really do have a bed bug infestation then I would not be going to their house at all, and would actually be reluctant to let them into mine unless they treat it. Bed bugs don't just live in beds, they can get on your other soft furnishings and clothes and are very easily transported between households.
The thought of bedbugs in a newborns cot should surely be a direction of argument that will work with your DP?
Otherwise, I'm afraid you will have to put your foot down. You don't have to say its the house tho, you are perfectly entitled to say no, you don't want to leave your baby with anyone else yet, they don't need 'time alone' to bond with a baby.
Angel, everyone,thank you for the kind words! I'll try not let them bully me into it! Although DP's parents have already made their dislike of DP's cousin's parenting skills known since she didn't want her DS staying over without get because she felt she wasn't ready so I know how this topic will go down with them.
Pobble, I've being in two minds about talking to our MW plainly because DP will be furious that I've told someone else about his family and because of the rift the mention of the subject brings to our relationship I've been hesitant.
PorkPie, since the run in with the bed bugs I haven't stayed over, just visited and thankfully DP's parents take that as me being heavily pregnant and tired so they don't question it. DP refuses to believe they had bed bugs so that isn't an issue in his mind, even though my GP identified the bites and rash so I'm not sure if they've done anything to treat the rooms.
they can't look after themselves so there's no way they can look after a demanding baby. How do they wash BTW? That's not 'a bit messy' that is filthy.
bedbugs travel very easily; go there and you'll have them too.
they need help.
The big difference is that when you stayed you didn't have a brand new immune system. You don't even have to say your midwife warned you. Perhaps you stumbled upon an article like this one? and being an anxious new mother you needed to speak with her to allay your fears.
I can be a bit messy but that is beyond the pale. YANBU.
You would know if they'd had their home treated for bedbugs, they would have had to clean and tidy it.
Please do not underestimate how difficult an infestation is to deal with- particularly in a home like your in-laws.
Difficult to deal with your DH though, as it is such a sore spot for him.
I don't think your biggest problem is the house although that is an issue. It's your DP. He called you a bitch? That would be crossing a boundary right there for me. But then he is deliberately lying to himself (and probably others) about the extent of the problem. And more importantly it isn't that he just doesn't agree with you over this, he is going up against you. There are rad flags everywhere. This type of problem will happen over and over again where he sides with his parents.
You are also frightened of his reaction. You've said several times how furious he'd be if he found out you'd talked to anyone. That is controlling behaviour right there. I am worried that this is just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe think about your relationship as a whole and what you are getting out of it and how he enriches your life. Because having a child will only bring more opportunities for conflict of opinions and if he treats you the same as this every time you butt heads over something it is going to be pretty miserable for you.
Spotty, Pork Pie, thank you for the articles, I'll defiantly be giving them a go and speak with MW privately first to see what she thinks as well, I don't want to drag her into anything she wouldn't feel comfortable with. As for the bed bugs, I've thrown out any clothes I've ever had over in DP's house and used a bug bomb at out place just to make sure none of the little buggers (terrible pun ) travel!
scallop, the fear is more of causing a fight than being afraid of him, sorry if I worded that wrong! Honestly we've been together for years and he's never shown any signs of this behaviour. Only now that I'm pregnant with our first and have actually acknowledge the mess of the house for the first time in so many years. The bitch comment was out of order (and I don't let him forget it ! ) But I put that down to the angry/shock of me finally bringing it up after so long, though he defiantly could have handled it better! I'm hoping now that we've moved out that will cut the apron strings since him mum still loves to baby him and he's always been a mummy's boy I'm hoping this will give him the boot he needs!
What will you do when they give you things for the baby? Used things, I would think. Some old baby blankets they have unearthed, or a perfectly usable old stroller? Some stuffed toys they have boxed away? I would never let my baby in their home.
Can you say to them your house is dirty, unhygienic, and I am not coming over?
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