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To move out with our children because we've ended our relationship?

(45 Posts)
DarthVadersAunty Fri 08-Aug-14 13:14:01

Me and DP have ended things. Lots of reasons. His, mainly. He doesn't find me attractive anymore (I had our daughter ten months ago and haven't managed to shift much weight while looking after our 4yo), he doesn't much like my personality anymore either (well, PND and me having the gall to resent him for not helping much around the house probably makes me a bit of a drag to be around).

It's early days, but long-term I don't want to live with someone who doesn't particularly like me let alone fancy me. He found this very surprising. He was expecting the arrangement to now be that we just co-parent in the same house, everything carrying on as normal except we're not a couple anymore.

I couldn't afford the rent on our house by myself, so I told him that by this time next year I'd like to have a deposit together for me and the children to find somewhere cheaper to live, instead of asking him to leave I'll leave myself.

So I'm irrational. Selfish. Nasty, because he won't see the children as much and all I'm doing is punishing him for no longer loving me. All I'm thinking of is myself and my feelings and I'm punishing everyone around me. He thinks we should just stay as we are, that I'll never be able to provide the same standard of living if I were to go it alone, and therefore I'm irresponsible.

So is he right? AIBU?

FieldRose Fri 08-Aug-14 13:19:42

You know you're not being unreasonable. You need to be happy and focus on you and the kids. You can't stay and live in that environment. What will it teach your kids?

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals Fri 08-Aug-14 13:21:05

So he wants to have his cake and eat it?

Either he wants to be with you and have the nuclear family set up or he doesn't. If he's choosing to leave you then he has to do it.

Carry on with your plan. You will undoubtedly end up in a confused situation of occasional shagging and not moving on until he does find someone else and move on to be with them.

You have to stand up for yourself. And he's going to call you all of those names but they don't mean anything. He's justifying the break up. In reality he could do more and at least try to understand your PND.

minibmw2010 Fri 08-Aug-14 13:22:05

You sound really strong DarthVadar, I expect that's not popular with him, good for you. He's going to realise you are serious and won't be bullied by him.

Let me guess what he wants - to move into a spare room, but you'll probably still do his laundry, dinners, etc., make his life easy by doing all the childcare (as I assume it is now), but he'll get the chance to 'be single' again and go out, meet new people, etc? Oh how dare you not want to go along with that.

Good luck.

niceguy2 Fri 08-Aug-14 13:22:39

He's just reacting emotionally. Long term your situation isn't sustainable and he knows it. What was he going to do? Invite his new girlfriend home one night?

YANBU but before you throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water are you 100% sure things can't somehow be salvaged? Having 2 young kids is a test to any relationship. Could things somehow be salvaged with professional help or the help of friends & family?

Iactuallydothinkso Fri 08-Aug-14 13:23:25

This is so wrong I don't even know where to start. If you're a team then you're a team in every way, if not then it's time to go. I assume all that will change for him is that he can have sex with other people he does find attractive.

He sounds like a selfish pig if I'm honest. You have had a tough time and if you can't rely on him to help you out then best rely on you.

If you leave, you'll be fine and so will your kids. Ask yourself, would you like that life for them? If it's a no then find yourself the life you do want them to have. Even if it's alone, you show them strength and resourcefulness and happiness because you're very unhappy now.

DoJo Fri 08-Aug-14 13:24:45

If he was really concerned about all those things, couldn't he be more helpful in facilitating the continuation of normal life for the children? Perhaps by taking it upon himself to move somewhere close by so that he can still see them regularly without uprooting them, and by offering to pay as much as he can towards their upkeep to allow you to maintain a reasonable standard of living? And does he not include happy parents in that 'standard of living' equation?

Twitterqueen Fri 08-Aug-14 13:25:28

OMG Sounds like you've got a lucky escape route ahead - imagine being with such a nasty knob for years and years to come....

DO NOT move out yet. See a solicitor.

seriously - you are well rid.

Oh dear. You know you are not being unreasonable, you should move your thread to relationships.
I actually feel properly angry when I read posts like this. ' he doesn't find me attractive anymore because I'm heavier after having two kids'. He's not good enough for you, OP. You will be happier in the future, without the shallow, self-centrered arse.
Kick him out and make him pay.

Bogeyface Fri 08-Aug-14 13:29:18

He was expecting the arrangement to now be that we just co-parent in the same house, everything carrying on as normal except we're not a couple anymore.

Of course he was, that way he has to do nothing for himself housewise, doesnt have to have the kids on his own and can go out shagging whenever he feels like it!

This time next year? No, this time next week and as he ended it HE can be the one to move out not you.

So I'm irrational. Selfish. Nasty, because he won't see the children as much and all I'm doing is punishing him for no longer loving me. All I'm thinking of is myself and my feelings and I'm punishing everyone around me.

Talk about projection! He is all of those things himself! Asshole!

ApplebyMennym Fri 08-Aug-14 13:29:39

What he actually wants is for you to carry on running around after him, whilst also doing the "pick me dance" - losing weight, dressing up nice for him, treating him. He thinks you'll want so badly to get back together that you'll do everything for him. Of course you'll be separated so he can go out and date other women, but he wouldn't feel right about you doing it. He'd also still probably want to sleep with you if he couldn't get laid anywhere else. What a collosal tosser. He's like those guys that moan about not being happy, not sure if they love you anymore, feel like there is more to life...but don't want to break up either. They want the wife to "step up" and start making them happy. Wankers.

No OP YANBU at ALL, move out, or kick him out.

pickles184 Fri 08-Aug-14 13:32:54

What a charmer! You are well out a situation where you have to share a roof with such a toxic man, get legal advice and if possible get him out asap.
Shelter and gingerbread are good places to start

DarthVadersAunty Fri 08-Aug-14 13:33:56

I do feel he's right in that I am thinking of myself here, and was unsure if the correct thing to do in this situation would be to soldier on and plaster a smile on it. I know of couples who've separated but stayed living together for the children, but I just couldn't do that. I wondered if that made me unreasonable in that I'm not willing to make that sort of sacrifice. He certainly thinks so.

Thanks for the words of support. I put a brave face on it but I'm so fucking hurt sad

MaidOfStars Fri 08-Aug-14 13:34:25

If you can't afford to kick him out and pay rent where you are, you need to move out ASAP.

Will it really take a year to get together a deposit? Can you sell stuff on Ebay? Go without any luxuries? Ask family or friends for a loan?

Don't forget to factor in his maintenance payments in your future plans.

For co-parent read Housekeeper. He wants you to look after everything whilst he behaves like a single man.

Sod that!

Bogeyface Fri 08-Aug-14 13:38:47

But you wouldnt be living together for the sake of the kids would you? You would be doing it for him.

Has he started doing his own laundry, tidying up after himself, making his own food etc? I suspect not.

This is about him not wanting to lose his unpaid housekeeper/nanny, and nothing at all to do with what is best for the family. Do you really think that if he was asked to move in by his next GF, he would say "no, I prefer to live with my ex so we can co parent my children"? Of course not, he'd be out of your house so fast you would be left spinning.

The only reason he wants to stay right now is because he hasnt got a better offer to go to, once he has, you wont see him for dust.

Bogeyface Fri 08-Aug-14 13:39:45

Don't forget to factor in his maintenance payments in your future plans.

Cant wait to be a fly on the wall for that one! I rather suspect that paying maintenance wont have crossed his mind....or indeed, giving up weekends to see the children hmm

Bogeyface Fri 08-Aug-14 13:40:19

"Cant wait"?! I meant I would love to be a fly on the wall!

DarthVadersAunty Fri 08-Aug-14 13:40:33

Oh he's assured me that him behaving like a single man is definitely not in his plans. He has no desire to be with anyone else, apparently. And I'm Angelina Jolie hmm

Bogeyface Fri 08-Aug-14 13:43:10

I wouldnt be at all surprised if he has someone lined up already. Not saying he has cheated but I am sure he has his eye on someone and wanted to do it the right way round, or perhaps she knocked him back and said "come back when you are single". So this way he gets to chase other women to his hearts content, safe in the knowledge he is single, but with all the benefits of still being in a relationship!

Bogeyface Fri 08-Aug-14 13:43:46

Oh and welcome to MN Angelina wink


ApplebyMennym Fri 08-Aug-14 13:47:44

And what's wrong with thinking of yourself? He clearly is, HE doesn't find you attractive, HE doesn't think it will work out. HE wants you to stay and be his skivvy.

Whereas you don't want to be treated that way, good for you! Parents split up all the time. The children will be fine.

DarthVadersAunty Fri 08-Aug-14 13:49:07

Bogey the thought crossed my mind. When I asked him if he had someone else in mind he denied it, and accused me of being 'so conceited that I'd think the only way he'd ever not be attracted to me is if he found someone prettier, heaven forbid he may just not like the way I look without there being a sinister reason'

Which made me even more suspicious.

Jengnr Fri 08-Aug-14 13:52:44

He's a dick. Leave him because of that.

StillFrigginRexManningDay Fri 08-Aug-14 13:57:09

Bogey has articulated my thoughts exactly.

What he really means is he wants to cheat but just so he doesn't come across as the bad guy he has invented these 'reasons' to seperate. He is a toxic asshole and your children do not need to witness his manipulation of their mother.

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