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managing racist / ignorant comments from brother-in-law ...

(22 Posts)
victoryinthekitchen Fri 08-Aug-14 09:42:30

we're going away with inlaws for a few days, I generally check my phone / take dog for a quick walk / put nose in a book when he starts with homophobic / oppressive comments as my previous attempts to discuss rationally have ended in him becoming bullish (which is embarrassing at a family meal). Any suggestions for 'one-liners' I can have up my sleeve to try to quash his rants as I don't want it to spoil family trip!

Smilesandpiles Fri 08-Aug-14 09:44:45

Smile nod and change the subject.

A quick dismissive "yeah, if you say so, anyway what about ......" usually does it either that or disengage from the conversation completely.

bellarations Fri 08-Aug-14 09:45:42

Don't waste your breath, it will most likely add fuel to his bigotry.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 08-Aug-14 09:47:31

There is no rationalising with racists. My stock line is 'the only good racist is a dead one' and there really is no coming back from that.

SwearyFucker Fri 08-Aug-14 09:48:17

In your shoes, I'd give a little laugh and say "You are funny!" Hopefully that would take the wind out of his sails.

(Not that I think homophobia/racism is remotely funny, but you've already tried arguing with him, to no avail, so this approach just highlights that he's being ridiculous, without getting into a row.)

Good luck.

TeWiSavesTheDay Fri 08-Aug-14 09:48:18

I'm not going to agree with you about that BIL, but would be a shame to spoil this lovely meal with a row, did you do anything special with this lovely chicken PIL?

CarryOnDancing Fri 08-Aug-14 09:49:32

I'd say "ha, did you read that in the Daily Mail? I always imagine that paper is written by an angry man sat around in his pants"

victoryinthekitchen Fri 08-Aug-14 09:58:46

thanks they're all good responses, I'll keep them at the ready.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine Fri 08-Aug-14 10:07:56

Why are you going away on precious holiday time with a prick? Couldn't you avoid it?

If not then just ignore really. If you argue it will fuel the fire and probably upset the others there too.

My df and dsis argue like cat and dog at all family meet ups they ruin it for everyone else.

Last Christmas my dh stepped in and told them both to politely shut the fuck up as we had slaved in the kitchen to prepare them a meal and they were ruining Christmas for everyone e else.

If you both argue you will both ruin it for all you other relatives. if you can't get on then you shouldn't go.

I expect his wife and your dh don't enjoy it either to be honest.

Not blaming you op just another angle on it.

victoryinthekitchen Fri 08-Aug-14 10:19:39

I see what you mean and I do have tactics to ignore him, but at the same time I feel not responding is almost like colluding with him with on these horrible comments!

FreeSpirit89 Fri 08-Aug-14 10:26:19

He has his views, you have yours. Treat it like someone against gays , ignore and move on.

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine Fri 08-Aug-14 10:26:44

Yep totally get you op it's a tricky one.

He sounds a right daft git.

fun1nthesun Fri 08-Aug-14 10:29:53

Start singing Let it gooooooooooooo! Let it gooooooooooooooo From Frozen along with actions.

If he looks suprised, say "oh I'm sorry I thought you like making a song and a dance about things"


LurkingHusband Fri 08-Aug-14 10:33:40

Many years ago, I worked in a garage, and sometimes had to drop cars off at customers houses.

Dropped a car off at a customers house - they had just moved - and I commented it was a nice street. The customer[1] sniffed and said "Yes, apart from all the rich asians moving in."

"Better than a lot of poor asians moving in." I said. She went bright red, and never used us again. Really the boss should have sacked me, except (a) he was my Dad and (b) he is an immigrant here too.

[1]As was the customers mother - from Poland.

victoryinthekitchen Fri 08-Aug-14 10:37:51

cheers for suggestions everyone smile

Thefishewife Fri 08-Aug-14 10:40:05

Bring home a handsome beefy black guy might shut him the hell up lol

My mil was like she now has two daughter in laws one black one Asian funny not so vocal now

If it's at a meal, then I would say cheerfully "this is a bit serious for the dinner table" then change the subject.

victoryinthekitchen Fri 08-Aug-14 11:10:47

ooh that's a good one Chaz, thankyou!

Castlemilk Fri 08-Aug-14 11:34:02

...yes and then use it every time, so he's left in no doubt that it's your code for 'prick time alert'

'this is a bit serious for a car journey'

'this is a bit serious for the park'

'this is a bit serious when we're trying to have a nice afternoon with the children'

'this is a bit serious for the sitting room'


ADHDNoodles Fri 08-Aug-14 12:04:37

You could be even more patronizing

"We're not racist at the table"
"We're not racist in the car"

Make sure you do it like you're talking to a small child, because that's what he's acting like.

MaidOfStars Fri 08-Aug-14 12:08:37

"Interesting point of view. Did you ever read the studies that show that men who are most vocally homophobic tend to be those most aroused by gay porn. I mean, it's almost like they're suppressing something deep down, don't you think?"

ADHDNoodles Fri 08-Aug-14 14:23:01

MaidOfStars Yes, but that's still spinning homosexuality as a negative thing by using it as an insult against him. It's just the adult equivalent of "LOL Ur Gay!".

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