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about this wedding, being a bridesmaid etc?

(159 Posts)
knotpoodle Wed 06-Aug-14 21:16:20

Am bridesmaid for an old friend in a few weeks.

She has arranged our dresses, but nothing else, whatever else we want we are expected to pay for ourselves - I asked her about shoes, accessories etc and she told me to match in with the other bridesmaids (who had no idea what to wear either as she hadn't given them any direction).

The bride is having her hair and make up 'done' on the day - she's told us we're doing our own. Which is fine but again she's given no suggestion/guidance - there are 5 of us, I am the only one having my hair up, the rest are having it down. No suggestion of colours of makeup, wear whatever hair accessories we want so long as we match (3 are not wearing any, so we won't match). She hasn't told us if we have flowers to carry (I've asked), and only 2 of the BM's have seen her dress.

We asked about jewellry, at first she said wear pearl necklaces (my DP nearly exploded trying not to laugh at that...) then changed her mind and said anything 'so long as we match'.

We have to go up the night before, and on the morning before the wedding (which is at midday) me and another BM have to do all the table decs.

I've never been this closely involved with a wedding before but it just all seems a bit directionless and disorganised - me and 2 of the other BMs keep emailing to ask stuff which she doesn't appear to have thought of (BM2 asked what drinks would be on the dinner tables - she had ordered red and white wine but no water/soft drinks - there are a lot of children going) and I'm starting to think the whole day could end up being a lot of hassle for me - is this what being a bridesmaid is actually like?

paddleduck Wed 06-Aug-14 21:21:23

Considering you are paying for these bits yourself I think she's doing the right thing by giving you free reign. I think yabu

paddleduck Wed 06-Aug-14 21:21:38

Considering you are paying for these bits yourself I think she's doing the right thing by giving you free reign. I think yabu

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Wed 06-Aug-14 21:22:38

Nah, screw that.

I'd politely decline.

TheBloodManCometh Wed 06-Aug-14 21:25:09

Don't really see the issue. Rather than than be micromanaged

MammaTJ Wed 06-Aug-14 21:27:41

A nice laid back bride rather than a bridezilla and you are complaining?

hazelnutlatte Wed 06-Aug-14 21:28:20

When I was a bridesmaid I didn't even think to ask about accessories, hair etc, I just turned up on the day. I also bought my own shoes which I thought was fair enough, as I got to choose them and could wear them again. Some brides are obsessive about details, others are less bothered. Maybe you are overthinking it all, she probably doesn't care what accessories you wear or how you do your hair.

hazelnutlatte Wed 06-Aug-14 21:29:28

I have also never been to a wedding where soft drinks other than tap water have been provided at the tables.

knotpoodle Wed 06-Aug-14 21:30:24

Can't really decline not since she's spent the ridiculous sum of £300 a head on our dresses...

It's not that I want/expect to be micromanaged - but I expected her to have some idea (even a very rough one) of how she wanted us to look. From talking to colleagues who have got married/been BMs/mother of bride recently that's fairly typical.

And telling us all to get stuff that 'matches' isn't easy as we all live 100s of miles apart. Plus there's a cost aspect, that I'm buying shoes, hair accessories etc I will probably not wear again.

And it's not just that, it's all the other running around that seems to be falling to us (well certainly me and one other BM).

thatstoast Wed 06-Aug-14 21:34:10

She hasn't ordered water?! Well wherever will they get it from on such short notice! YABU. Just turn up with whatever make up, hair and jewellery you want. I would try and co-ordinate shoes (ie, silver shoes or black shoes) but otherwise if the bride doesn't care why would you care?

LilyandGinger Wed 06-Aug-14 21:37:28

This is not really that difficult to organise in the days of the internet.

Set up a private FB page for the bridesmaids and get some discussion going/ post suggestions etc.

You just need to agree that you'll all wear eg silver sandals and a silver pendant necklace.

I'd wouldn't expect to be told what make up to wear.

Can't imagine why a BM thought it was any of her business what drinks were being served. Usual practice is wine and water on tables. That should cover everyone.

kinkyfuckery Wed 06-Aug-14 21:38:00

Why don't you just contact the other bridesmaids and say "Okay, silver shoes, silver jewellery" or something if you are so worried about matching.

Bride obviously isn't bothered!

magpiegin Wed 06-Aug-14 21:38:40

Just coordinate by having same/ similar colour shoes, wear neutral make up and minimal jewellery. I wouldn't worry about drinks on the table, there'll be a bar if and when people want soft drinks.

I told my bridesmaids to wear whatever shoes and jewellery they think suited the dresses I bought- if she was that worried she would tell you exactly what to get.

HappyAsASandboy Wed 06-Aug-14 21:39:54

All it needs is an email from one of the bridesmaid to the others suggesting you all go for neutral make up, natural/pale pink nails, simple silver necklace and pale shoes. Ask of anyone has any objections to that and take the discussion from there.

If the bride isn't bothered about the details, that email will result in close enough matches for the bride who won't give a fig what you look like by the time she gets to her wedding day.

Have fun smile

Jewels234 Wed 06-Aug-14 21:40:13

YABU. She's trying not to be a bridezilla, and is being nice and relaxed about things. I would be happy to be a bridesmaid for this kind of bride.

Also, yes, being a bridesmaid does mean work for you on the day. But I'm assuming you agreed to be a BM to help your friend with her wedding and make the day special for her? It's not about you.

HaPPy8 Wed 06-Aug-14 21:40:16

YABU. Hugely. Bloody hell, brides can win can they!

babrow13 Wed 06-Aug-14 21:40:38

There is so much to think about when organising a wedding. I'd say the bride is quite rightly being laid back. She probably doesn't mind what shoes and accessories you wear, I would make the most of the fact that she doesn't need to control every aspect of your outfit. You get so many horror stories of bridesmaidzillas complaining about their outfits, she has probably tried to limit this, especially with 5! If it was me though I would give some guidance around colour. Perhaps ask if she has any preference. Regarding the drinks, quite standard just to have wine and water on the tables. Any other drinks such as beer, spirits and soft drinks can be ordered at the bar or from waitress. There would be no room at the table for a large selection of drinks, align side table wear and centrepieces! Relax, enjoy the day and be merry!

vezzie Wed 06-Aug-14 21:44:32

I think it sounds nice - you will all have a similar dress, but otherwise will look like yourselves - much nicer than matchy robots with trowelled on makeup. Enjoy it!

petalunicorn Wed 06-Aug-14 21:44:32

Hmmm, I have been a bridesmaid where we have done our own makeup, chosen own jewelry and shoes, and you know what, it was fine. She is telling you to do as you please. I have also been a bridesmaid where I was meant to have matching accessories with the other bridesmaid and she 'lost' all hers and used her own stuff and it still looked fine.

If she was bothered, she would organise it. Use shoes/necklace/hair stuff you already have, unless someone gets it together and asks you to do something else.

Don't understand why you need to see her dress, why you need to know if you have flowers or not, what drinks are being provided, it's nice that you are interested but you don't need to know this stuff. It sounds like she is being relaxed and that is nice.

p.s for what it's worth I'm sure you don't need to order tap water for tables, they would just do that and I also haven't been to a wedding where soft drinks were provided, not even for children, it was the tap water or buy something from the bar.

knotpoodle Wed 06-Aug-14 21:47:13

Not all the BMs are on FB, and one doesn't have access to email. I have tried to co-ordinate, I bought my shoes which are cream satin and have sent them all photos to try and help, however no-one seems to be able to 'match' to them or get anywhere near it.

Some of the BM's don't want to wear jewellry, some do - same with hair (and the up/down thing).

Doesn't help we don't know things like what flowers we are having.

Re drinks, the wedding is at 12, reception starts at 1, bar opens at 7. So there needs to be drinks - and not just wine - on the table.

As to doing work, I don't mind pitching in, but I'm not too happy that I'm being expected to get a lift to the venue (25 mins from hotel) do 2 or more hours of table decorating, another lift back all before 11am! I can see I will have no time to get ready myself at that rate, which seems a little unfair.

knotpoodle Wed 06-Aug-14 21:50:00

Due to the nature of the venue, I am not sure if tap water will be provided. If it isn't she will need bottled - and if it is, she will in any event need to order jugs for it which apparently she hasn't - or at least hadn't done (all crockery/glassware/cutlery has to be ordered as the venue doesn't provide anything, I know, because I am laying the tables!)

EllaFitzgerald Wed 06-Aug-14 21:50:17

I think yab a little u.

She's paid for the expensive dress, so it would be easy to just phone the other bridesmaids to agree on a colour shoe you'll all wear again and some pretty accessories. It could be easily matched from a distance if bought from the high street.

I think she's being polite. You get to choose the bits you have to pay for. Be grateful she's not expecting you to pay for a make up 'artist' who makes you look like a drag queen. not speaking from bitter experience at all

PandaFeet Wed 06-Aug-14 21:51:09

God at the start I thought you actually knew me and you were talking about me. But tou aren't. I hope.

I have bought my BMs their dresses, and I have asked them to sort the rest themselves. I told them what colour shoes to go for, and left them to it. So far they don't seem to mind but could be bitching behind my back. I did that mainly because I know one would rather wear heels and the other two flats. So I left it up to them.

I have told them to wear their hair whatever way they want and so far one has told me how she is doing hers, the others haven't, but then, I didn't ask them to and I don't care. If I was paying for a hairdresser I would care, but as they are paying themselves I don't feel I have a right to dictate. And I have been very clear that they don't need to match.

I am giving them matching jewellery as a gift on the day.

So I think YABU. Surely its not difficult to decide on a colour of shoes that compliments the dresses, or to decide up or down hair in a simple style.

As for the drinks on the tables, why is that a BMs business, and so what if you need to help with the table centres, you are attendants to the bride. Why did you agree to do it? You sound like you don't even like her.

BackforGood Wed 06-Aug-14 21:53:50

Agree with everyone else. Sounds nice, relaxed, and far more like my experience rather than the awful micro management you read about on here far too often. I dont see why this is a problem.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 06-Aug-14 21:54:33


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