Please be gentle, I don't venture into AIBU very often.... and it's long, sorry.
It's my Birthday in a couple of weeks, not a significant one, and I'm not really one for bells and whistles but DH would throw a party for any excuse. He's always the first to arrive and last to leave any celebration, whereas I'm a much more reserved type.
It co-incides with someone elses Birthday, a family member by marriage of DH's who he has therefore known for 20 years. It IS a significant birthday and the celebrations for this have been arranged for my Birthday day.
It's been a tough year for us and our little family. I'm working flat out but managed to get the day off work on my Birthday and just wanted to chill. We can't afford to do anything much anyway. DH lost his job 2 months ago and at the moment I am the main breadwinner and having to do a lot of OT to make things stretch. I don't want or expect a present, and have said we just need to leave it this year, because the money is too tight for that. I should stress I don't feel aggreived or resentful about this at all - I don't want or need anything urgently or specifically and I don't see the point in 'wasting' money we don't have on something frivolous. I'd be really happy with a little pub lunch for just us. Thats MY idea of celebrating and what would make me really happy.
We've been asked to go to the other celebrations. I don't mind, thats not an issue. I honestly don't feel annoyed about spending my Birthday celebrating someone elses (seriously, I don't) but what I am annoyed about is the fact that any preference I have to anything I want to do is being totally blanked. The invitation to go over to this party was accepted before I was even asked if I had another preference for doing anything, I haven't been asked if I'd have wanted to do anything or go anywhere, or see my parents or siblings. In fact, it's almost like my Birthday has actually been forgotten because this other persons is SPECIAL (this has been worded exactly so about 10 times).
Fair enough, I'll grow up and stop being churlish (I know thats how it sounds but it's not how it is) but we have now also been asked to contribute a BIG sum of money to the gift pot which he has also agreed too (how is he going to pay for that, then?), plus when we are over there he tends to dissapear to talk to his family members and leaves me chasing two under 5's round a house which is in no way or shape child-friendly (open water, antiques, you name it!). It is a stressful and certainly not enjoyable way to spend an evening for me. I therefore said (bear in mind there has been no consultation over whether I am happy to go) 'oh okay, I guess you'll be happy just going for a couple of hours, I'd really prefer to get back and relax if thats okay, have a little bit of Birthday evening when the kids are in bed, have a bottle of bubbly or something' and he said 'you're imposing rules on this deciding when we're going to leave before we've even got there.... it's her SPECIAL Birthday, and I've know her for over 20 years, and I want to go to her celebrations....we can come home as late as we like'
And that has been the red rag. I now feel cross about it all. Especially now he has also said he'll be out during the daytime too, so I'm home alone with the kids on my 'day off' as well at a time when I've turned myself inside out to keep the household running. If he'd have said 'great we can go to the celebrations, then have lunch the day before for YOU or YOU have some timeout doing something you want (an hour having coffee with a friend child-free would have been a gift enough) but no, it's all about this OTHER person, and I feel like I'm in a queue of two people, me being last, and I didn't even want to be in the queue in the first place.
I'm being ridiculous, aren't I? I don't really want to know if I am being unreasonable, but I do want to understand how I say how I feel without sounding like a selfish churlish child. I really think I ought to vocalise how I feel but I shy away from confrontation (DV victim in previous marriage) and I don't actually think he knows how fed up I feel about this..........
AIBU?
perspective needed, relating to my Birthday....
alabasterangel · 06/08/2014 17:42
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