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To run away from my family and my grief

(141 Posts)
AirCon Mon 04-Aug-14 14:08:26

Last year my life was sickeningly happy
I had a lovely fiancé, our gorgeous 4 year old son, good job and good income. And I was pregnant with a little girl.

Then I made a terrible mistake

At the end of my pregnancy, my little one stopped moving suddenly. When I say suddenly, I was busy at work one day when it occurred to me I couldn't remember the last time I felt her move. I think it was the morning before. My heart stopped. Unfortunately hers had too and there was no bringing her back.

She had been in distress for days, I was later told. For days. And I didn't even know, didn't even worry. How is this possible? I can't imagine any other mother being so stupid, so negligent.

It's a year since I gave birth to her and it has been nothing but hell. I have pushed my fiancé away (I should call him partner now actually, we won't be getting married), I've scared my little boy with my desperate and daily grief and the antidepressants are not helping. I haven't gone back to work. I do nothing but cry, sleep, cry, sleep.

I don't know what to do. I really just don't know what to do. This horrible, pitiful mess is all my fault. The year anniversary has brought it all to a head as I really thought we'd get through this and somehow I feel like the early months were the easiest, when I was protected by shock.

I'm thinking of leaving them. Disappearing far far away and just sending emails so they know I'm alive.

My partner would be better off without me. If I disappeared, he could find a lovely, caring wife who would not cry every day (and who would keep any children they had safe). My little boy could grow up in a safe, loving household where his mother doesn't cry on him daily.

I just can't see any other solution. I'm haunted by my little one's death and I don't know what to do.

MadameDefarge Mon 04-Aug-14 14:13:58

I think that you need to call your local A&E and ask to speak to the crisis mental health team.

Because you are in crisis. And someone needs to take care of you properly to get through this.

Please do this Right now.

FederationPresidentBarryFife Mon 04-Aug-14 14:15:42

I am very very sorry for your terrible loss.

It was not your fault.

Don't leave your family - they need you. Your soul has been damaged and you need to heal - can you speak to your GP again? Show this email. I hope some one comes along on this thread soon to help you but you are NOT alone.

LadyWithLapdog Mon 04-Aug-14 14:16:21

Big hugs. You're still grieving for your DD and the full life you were seeing ahead of you. You are not to blame, it's not your fault your DD was stillborn. I know how desperate and guilty you can feel but please believe that it will get easier over time.

macdoodle Mon 04-Aug-14 14:16:25

Oh my you sound so ill, please please go and see your GP they can help really. And it's not your fault your baby died not in any way at all.

SallyMcgally Mon 04-Aug-14 14:17:34

Sweetheart, please go and see your GP. You need help dealing with this terrible, terrible grief for the loss of your little girl, which was absolutely not your fault. A couple of my friends have lived the same experience as you, and it's unspeakable, it's appalling, but it wasn't their fault - just as it wasn't yours.
Of course you're crying every day - you're dealing with a terrible loss. This doesn't make you a bad partner or a bad mother - it means you're human. But you do need help, and there is help out there for you. Please print off your OP and take it to your GP, and let them give you the help and support that you need.
thanks I'm so sorry that this terrible thing happened to you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 04-Aug-14 14:18:18

There was no stupidity or negligence in your actions. Just tragically bad luck. None of this was your fault, it truly wasn't.

You are grieving and you need to reach out for some help in coming to terms with what has happened to you. Please do it. Now.

NacMacFeeglie Mon 04-Aug-14 14:19:38

Aircon. I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. How are you possibly meant to know she was in distress though OP sad you can't see what's going on inside you. I know as mothers we always blame ourselves and think we should have been able to stop any harm coming to our children. But to a degree it's irrational. You must try to accept there was nothing you could have done. You were with her the whole time because she was inside you and that's the most you could have done.

I honestly can't imagine the pain you must feel. I've lost but not a child. I do know that grief takes it's time and sometimes you need help.

Could you write a letter to your partner. Put it all down in paper. Everything you are feeling. You need help OP and whilst you may not believe it now they need you as much as you need them. You could also show the letter to a Gp. Have some counselling and maybe join some of the wonderful forums out there for those that have lost their children.

I am sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon. Please try to be kind to yourself. This was an awful tragedy. thanks

CoffeeTea103 Mon 04-Aug-14 14:21:47

You poor thing thanks please speak to someone. Your little boy doesn't need anyone but you, he still thinks the world of you. You are still grieving, in no way is what happened your fault.

AirCon Mon 04-Aug-14 14:23:04

Thank you
I have a good relationship with my GP, I have a counsellor, I have all the drugs and support. I go to SANDS meetings, I post on their message boards. I do everything.

But it doesn't work. None of it.
Because I know that if I'd listened to my body and my baby, I might not be in this position today. I let my family down so badly.

VacantExpression Mon 04-Aug-14 14:23:21

Oh my goodness OP I agree with the other posters that you need some urgent help and probably help as a family.
What happened was awful but wasn't your fault OP you sound like you are a loving caring mum to me :-( I am so sorry for your loss xxx

CoffeeTea103 Mon 04-Aug-14 14:23:51

You poor thing thanks please speak to someone. Your little boy doesn't need anyone but you, he still thinks the world of you. You are still grieving, in no way is what happened your fault.

MagicCarpet Mon 04-Aug-14 14:24:37

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
This was not your fault.
I think you do need someone to help you and support you through this, please call your Dr and tell them all the things you've said here. Please don't think leaving your family will make life better for them...

BigglesFliesUndone Mon 04-Aug-14 14:30:48

I can't imagine your grief - I really can't, but 25 years ago I was 38 weeks pregnant with my first daughter. I had no idea she was suffering inside me, no idea at all, and it is only thanks to a very vigilant community midwife who noticed she was small and not happy, that I got to hospital and had her - tiny and distressed but fine. If that amazing midwife had not visited that day, she may well have died inside me too, and I wouldn't have known, there is no way you could have known either. Please don't blame yourself. It seems you have taken all this on your own shoulders and it wasn't, it really wasn't, your fault. I echo what everyone says - you must get more help.

VestaCurry Mon 04-Aug-14 14:48:44

You need to see your GP very quickly - today or tomorrow at the latest and have a review of your current treatment. The anti depressants may need changing, and the type of 'talking therapy'. Make sure your GP know how utterly dreadful you feel. Whatever is in place at the moment isn't working and I hope you get something in place urgently to help you. It was not your fault.

magso Mon 04-Aug-14 14:50:11

I am so sorry your little girl died. It really was not your fault. There is no way of knowing exactly why or when, just that it was not your fault. No other mother could have done better, or known sooner or stopped the loss. Something beyond your control went wrong , but it was not your fault. I understand the desire to run away from such an overpowering sadness, but you need your family, and they need you. ((Hug))

sebsmummy1 Mon 04-Aug-14 14:50:11

AirCon, whoever used the 'distress' phrase that is haunting you now was negligent in their care to you. How could you possibly have known that your unborn child was anything other than happy and healthy inside you?

There were so many instances in my pregnancy where I was charging about and it was only later on in the evening that I would sit down and notice I hadn't felt my son move all day. That is not being a bad Mother, that is assuming (as you have the right to do) that you second pregnancy would go as well as your first.

You have experienced one of the worse things any of us might have to bare and you are not coping. You must tell the people who are helping you that you are in crisis and want to run away. Perhaps your medication can be changed, perhaps you need a week of residential care. I am sure there are systems that exist when counselling and anti-ds are not helping.

Please do not leave your son with his Daddy, he needs you and he needs you well. Small children do not understand what is happening, he will know Mummy is sad but he loves you unconditionally whether you are crying or happy. My Mother went through breakdowns when I was little, was placed in psychiatric care and I witnessed her try and kill herself infront of me. I am fine, she is well and happy, my childhood was good, she is one of the strongest and most inspiring people I know. You have not failed in anyway.

BreeWannabe Mon 04-Aug-14 15:31:02

Sweetheart. This was not your fault. It was not your fault. You are traumatised and grieving and you WILL come out the other side, although it doesn't seem like it to you now. Please don't leave your little boy though. He needs and loves his mummy and even if you're crying and sad he still wants and needs you there.

I have a friend who went through the same thing; 8 months pregnant. She also felt it was her fault. But, with time, treatment and medical help, she got better and realised it wasn't. She thinks every day of the little boy she lost, but she is better and is able to smile again and enjoy her other son. She didn't think she'd ever come out the other side; but she did. You will too.

You've taken a massive step coming on here and being honest with us. You must get more medical help; tell them just how awful it is. You are traumatised. But you will get through it. But please don't leave your little boy sad

goshhhhhh Mon 04-Aug-14 15:39:06

It was not your fault. Guilt is a terrible thing - really terrible & guilt over something which you have no control can eat away at you. This is going to be an odd suggestion. I know you have had counseling & it hasn't worked. Have you thought about talking to a vicar? Local parish or hospital chaplin. I'm not religious & I have an inkling something spiritual might help to reconcile you to your loss + help you live for those that need you. You don't have to be religious for this. I'm not & my vicar was an endless support when I lost someone in ways you wouldn't necessarily think of.

hotdrinkandaliedown Mon 04-Aug-14 15:46:26

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. It was in no way your fault. So many aspects of pregnancy are still a mystery to medical professionals, there is no way you were expected to know what was going on. You are torturing yourself over this and you need some help. Running away is not the solution.

Sending you love and luck.


mommy2ash Mon 04-Aug-14 15:47:48

I think you need to get over your guilt before you can properly grieve. when I had my dd I very rarely felt her move because of how she was positioned I also had a very small bump. if anything had been wrong I would have Never known. it wasn't like you felt her suffering and chose to ignore it. how could you have done anything different?

it is very very sad what has happened but don't let your son become another victim in this he needs you to get better and the three of you deserve to be happy. I really wish you all the best

ghostisonthecanvas Mon 04-Aug-14 15:50:25

I wonder if you have said those words out loud in real life? You know you should have listened to your body? Have you been that honest with your counsellor? Have you managed to talk it over with anyone? My lovely, talk to someone today. I know you won't believe anything different for a while, but please, trust us when we say, you did nothing wrong. Nothing. You cannot know what was going on inside your body. I want to just hug you and keep hugging.

Groovee Mon 04-Aug-14 15:58:25

thanks and much love to you OP. I think you are still in very early stages of grief and you sound like you blame yourself when it was not your fault at all. I just want to give you a big hug.

Your partner/Fiance and your little boy need you too x

magso Mon 04-Aug-14 15:58:35

I don't know if it helps to say this but I found the first anniversary difficult but the beginning of slow recovery, although its only on looking back that I can see that is what happened. You never stop grieving but it does slowly recede to a less painful all consuming level. I also felt like running away, as DH was very shut in and silent with his grief. But slowly, slowly life improved.

ipswichwitch Mon 04-Aug-14 16:01:09

Firstly, whoever mentioned the word "distressed" to you I agree has been both negligent and cruel. You could not possibly know what was going on inside. You don't have x-ray vision.

Secondly, I have been through this too. I lost one of my twin boys at 34 weeks. I had a similar insensitive arse of a HCP saying "well did you not feel reduced movement?" No, there were two of them I couldn't tell one from the other. I blamed myself for so long and ended up having a breakdown wen I went back to work. I hated myself. I wanted to disappear. I hated everyone I saw with twin boys. I wished I had died and not my son. I hated the friends and family that didn't help or support us, and some actively avoided too. I did have the counselling and it helped me mainly because I could tell her all the things I was too scared to say to anyone else.

You have not failed anyone. Please believe that. In all likelihood, even if you had seen someone sooner the outcome would have been the same. In my case, even if he had been born alive he would not have lived long. It sounds to me like you are in crisis and feeling the grief as if it happened yesterday. Please get more medical help. Your little boy loves and needs you, you haven't failed him (or anyone). You are suffering and need more help and support. I will be here for hand holding and pm me if you want to. I know how unspeakably shit this is thanks

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