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I am being perfectly reasonable (Christmas related, already).

(129 Posts)
PerfectlyReasonablePolly Thu 31-Jul-14 13:43:28

I know, I know, it's not even August...

DC3 is due at Christmas, and this has provoked an even earlier than usual family discussion about plans. We normally host, and invite both sets of parents, although they are not always both able to come, and any of our siblings who do not have other plans.

I have had 2 c-sections so the overwhelming likelihood is that DC3 will be delivered by c-section on or around the 18th December. With this in my I have told everyone that I would like to just have a family Christmas, M&S food, probably a pyjama day so that the children can just play with their toys, and nobody needs to feel stressed. Due to our siblings' other commitments, this means that we will be leaving both sets of parents on their own.

My parents have been fine with this, and are talking about booking a fancy Christmas break in a nice hotel, which apparently they have always secretly wanted to do, but felt obliged to spend time with their DCS grin. DH is too scared to even tell his parents! He is coming out with a variety of options which mean that we can still see them. E.g. We will still host, but he will do all of the cooking and cleaning. This is a joke, there is simply no way that he will get the house ready to my standard, and he has rarely in his life cooked anything other than pasta and pesto. Or we will go to his parents so that they are not alone (a week post c-section, so either we have to stay, which will probably involve sleeping in an uncomfy bed and sharing a room with our DCs and the newborn baby, or we will have to drive 2 hours each way on Christmas Day. Did I mention that I will be a week post c-section?!).

As a concession, he did at one point suggest that maybe we could have them over for a meal on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day. Again, which he will get the house ready for and cook from scratch. Massively unlikely. I do normally make a huge production of Christmas, and I usually love all of the prep and cooking, but this year the only solution I can see so that at least the children and I still enjoy it is to ignore it as much as possible, and then shove some pre-made food into the oven. I'm not sure I could bring myself to do this if we had guests.

With both of my DCs I've taken a while to establish breastfeeding, and I know now what a c-section entails. I don't think I'm being at all unreasonable to stand my ground on this one, am I? Everyone is welcome to pop in for a cup of tea and to meet the baby after he/she is born, and I'm sure that people will be around over the Christmas period. But there will be no entertaining, and no formal meals being provided, in this house. PILs are not at all the sort to just muck in and help, so I am particularly keen to ensure that we are not committed to providing 3 course meals for them at any point at all over the holidays.

DH yesterday evening referred to me as "the Grinch".

PerfectlyReasonablePolly Thu 31-Jul-14 13:43:45

Gosh sorry, what an epic rant!

WeirdCatLady Thu 31-Jul-14 13:46:41

Why on earth is your dh too scared to tell his parents? Do they have form for being difficult?

WeirdCatLady Thu 31-Jul-14 13:47:18

P.S. The grinch? I'd've smacked him round the head for that one. Or cried.

PerfectlyReasonablePolly Thu 31-Jul-14 13:48:05

Oh yes, Weird, they have form. MIL is quite likely to cry.

WeirdCatLady Thu 31-Jul-14 13:50:23

Well in that case, I think your dh has to grow a pair.

Bruins Thu 31-Jul-14 13:50:58

You have spoilt them all. Not this year.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Thu 31-Jul-14 13:51:04


Wtf is your H thinking?

Even if he did do all the organising and cooking it's fine for to want a quiet family christmas while you recover

Stand your ground and tell him to stop being so selfish

JustAShopGirl Thu 31-Jul-14 13:51:16

Lower your standards, let him do it, go with the flow and enjoy it?

CoffeeTea103 Thu 31-Jul-14 13:51:44

You're having a baby, anyone with a bit of common sense would realize it's not the best time to expect anything. It's tough but your iL will have to deal with it I guess. Do you think they could still come over but do all the cooking? Or are they the type to expect to be on holiday and be served everything?

SisterMoonshine Thu 31-Jul-14 13:52:19

Yanbu. Don't be pushed into it.
"On their own" hmm
They're not!

Mouthfulofquiz Thu 31-Jul-14 13:52:47

Oh my goodness! Your in laws are totally U. They should already KNOW that they won't be really that welcome given the situation. Who on earth would ever want to host a massive Xmas, with a newborn, with one boob out, and feeling a bit weepy and leaky. No no no no.
If she cries - well, that is pathetic.

Bruins Thu 31-Jul-14 13:52:58

He would mess up, you would end up doing it. No.

Idontseeanyicegiants Thu 31-Jul-14 13:53:21

Bite him. And her if necessary. You're pregnant, no jury would convict you.
On a serious note your DH is about as U as he could get. You will have had a major operation and will be healing plus establishing Bf plus bonding with new baby plus dealing with over excited children at Christmas time and he still wants to host the day at yours so he doesn't upset his Mum?
Can you tell her yourself and get it over with?

PandaFeet Thu 31-Jul-14 13:53:29

You are being completely reasonable.

I do think that your "standards" could be lowered for one christmas if they had to be, however, you will be recovering from a c section and looking after a newborn, and even if you could put up with having PILs round to a less than perfect house, and serving bought food to them, why on earth should you when you are still recovering?!

Put your foot down, and if DH can't tell PILs then you will have to. I am sure they will understand.

MintyChops Thu 31-Jul-14 13:53:30

Stand your ground, your DH is being unreasonable. As for the Grinch comment? Laugh in his face and call him a twat as that is how he is behaving. Oh and get your MIL a bumper pack of tissues for Christmas, she's going to need them.... Seriously though, you don't need this, tell him either he rings them by the weekend to tell them or you will do it for him.

thatstoast Thu 31-Jul-14 13:53:38

If you have the balls to do it agree to him get doing all the cooking and cleaning and entertaining. If need be spend all xmas day in bed with baby while he does everything else. You might want to get it in writing that that's what you agreed now because you can pretty much guarantee that when it actually happens he'll expect you to help.

Nomama Thu 31-Jul-14 13:54:16

Yup, your DH needs to man up and let his mum cry.

She may surprise you and be absolutely fine with it. They could join your parents smile

She may even offer to come round and do everything for you for the WHOLE holidays, New Year being such a busy time and all, she might love the chance to show you how kind and caring she can be by taking over all duties for the entire festivities grin

Floggingmolly Thu 31-Jul-14 13:54:28

Why does the house have to be at a higher "standard" for your parents that it does for you??

Treats Thu 31-Jul-14 13:54:55

Could your DH take your other children to the ILs on Christmas Day? Leave you with the baby and an M&S meal? It might not be huge fun for you, but you could enjoy the quiet while the baby's sleeping and there are the other days of the holiday to spend with your DCs. They could open their stockings on your bed before they go.

I sympathise with the MIL situation - mine is similar.

Bruins Thu 31-Jul-14 13:55:13

If the IL's are expecting you to provide Christmas they are as daft as their son.

Crinkle77 Thu 31-Jul-14 13:55:56

Let her cry. What a stupid selfish woman. Don't back down what ever you do.

PandaFeet Thu 31-Jul-14 13:56:11

MIL would cry?

Good God. No wonder your standards are high, she obviously expects a lot.

nevereverpost Thu 31-Jul-14 13:57:58

You had my utmost sympathy until this bit:

This is a joke, there is simply no way that he will get the house ready to my standard

Why on earth does he have to get it ready to your standard. It's his house too, his parents. If you don't want them or anyone coming that's a whole other issue but if in principle you don't mind and he is prepared to take it on, what's the problem?

Icimoi Thu 31-Jul-14 13:58:48

You refer to siblings with other commitments. What are they, and is there any reason why they shouldn't be the ones to inconvenience themselves rather than you?

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