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to think there's nothing 'wrong' with my parenting and the NHS doesn't need to fix it?

(166 Posts)
oneandnotlonelyk Thu 31-Jul-14 11:05:06

I took dd for her 2.5 year health check a few weeks ago. I hadn't been to the doctor or health visitor for either of us since dds one year check as we're both pretty healthy, and no issues to report.

At the check, the hv asked about our sleeping arrangements, I said dd sleeps in my bed with me (she goes to bed earlier obviously), the room is safe and toddler proof. She has her own room and bed but prefers mine. The hv seemed ok with it, but then said I have separation issues and should consider counselling. I responded, telling her I'm happy with the situation, as is dd, I said the situation originated when I was bfing and found it easier to co sleep. I said I like co sleeping, it works for us, I like being close to dd, we cuddle etc.

Hv said dd will become too dependent and won't want to move out as an adult, I'm not prioritising my needs to meet a man (I'm a single parent) and therefore not teaching dd how to have a relationship with a man. I did (tongue in cheek) say that as my own relationship had failed, perhaps I'm not the best person to teach dd about relationships with men (haha) and that dd goes to a childminder four days a week while I'm at work, which she loves, so clearly dd isn't dependent on me.

As the hv admitted dd is doing well, is healthy and happy, Aibu to be really passed off that since the appt I've had two more phone calls from her and another hv about my 'separation issues' with dd, plus a gp referral?! I don't think I need counselling, nhs time and interference when I'm doing what I feel best for my dd and millions of people cosleep in other parts of the world. I'm a bit worried that they are going to keep harassing me.

itsbetterthanabox Thu 31-Jul-14 11:07:52

I think you should make a complaint about the things the hv said to you. That is so rude, personal and judgemental.
You can co sleep with a toddler without any safety issues. It's nothing to with them yanbu!

backwardpossom Thu 31-Jul-14 11:08:29

YANBU, what a ridiculous waste of time and resources. Write a complaint.

Shia Thu 31-Jul-14 11:10:05

Sounds like the idiot I saw.

What a load of crap.

Please carry on as you at doing a wonderful job of raising your child.

The health visitor is a complete and utter idiot causing worry and stress and her stupid ideas are absolutely pathetic.

I co slept with mine. One is now an adult and has his own house. The other is 16. Both are independently minded.

Health visitors can sometimes do more harm than good.

hazeyjane Thu 31-Jul-14 11:10:27

I had similar things with our hv about co sleeping with ds. I lodged a complaint with our gp surgery where she is based and requested not to see a hv in future. Ds is under many hcp due to being disabled and I said that her 'interventions' were inappropriate and unnecessary.

MrsWinnibago Thu 31-Jul-14 11:11:04

How dare she comment about your needs for a relationship! shock complain in writing about her.

brokenhearted55a Thu 31-Jul-14 11:11:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TalcumPowder Thu 31-Jul-14 11:11:40

YANBU in the least. It seems a massively strange response from the HV, unless there are other factors you haven't mentioned in your DD's behaviour...? My son just had his two year three month check, sleeping arrangements were never mentioned at all - we co-sleep, too - and if they had been, I wouldn't have taken the slightest bit of notice.

And your desire or not to be in a relationship is absolutely none of your HV's affair.

DownByTheRiverside Thu 31-Jul-14 11:11:58

So next time, you lie. That's what I'd do to a useless idiot.

basgetti Thu 31-Jul-14 11:12:34

YANBU, make a complaint. I co slept with DS until he was nearly 5, and now he is 6 he still usually spends half the night in my bed. He goes to school, to stay with grandparents away from me with no issues. She sounds like an absolute idiot.

Shia Thu 31-Jul-14 11:12:38

I would put in a complaint. This is totally unacceptable advice and quite frankly damaging.

You could have left there thinking something was terribly wrong with you and the way you're raising your child. There isn't.

Write a letter to complain and refuse to ever see this woman again.

Hakluyt Thu 31-Jul-14 11:13:10

If this happened exactly as you said, then you need to make a complaint.

trice Thu 31-Jul-14 11:14:22

What you are doing is fine. Does she not have enough to do with her time?

UriGeller Thu 31-Jul-14 11:16:33

All in all HV's are weird, You have to cherry pick the advice they give.

one of mine bought a bag with a ski yoghurt in it and a sugar cube and asked me which id rather feed my baby! i gently informed her "neither" and that we make our own yoghurt so if baby was going to eat anything at 4 months (!), it'd be full fat, probiotic fresh natural stuff. She didn't know people could make their own yoghurt!

Sleeping with your baby is the best and loveliest thing you can do.

Felyne Thu 31-Jul-14 11:17:08

I imagined myself having pretty much the same conversation with a HV just this morning!
My son has just turned 2 and still always ends up in bed with me at some point in the night, where I bf him to sleep. I'd love it if he would stay in his bed, but the fact that he doesn't is no big deal to me at the moment.

TattyDevine Thu 31-Jul-14 11:20:24

Next time lie? No way, this perpetuates this ridiculousness. Let there be no next time! Opt out. You don't have to accept any treatment or offers of help from the NHS. Even if you have cancer! End of.

sezamcgregor Thu 31-Jul-14 11:22:02

It's very easy for people to judge - and be prepared to be hit with the "single parent stick" a lot more as DD gets older. It's the reason for everything (in my experience).

People just do not get it.

However, with co-sleeping, it might work now - but as they get older, you should phase it out. Perhaps have snuggly cuddles before she goes to sleep and let her get in with you in the morning - or at weekends when you can have some cosy time on a lie in.

I'd also consider complaining - it isn't her job to criticise your parenting and to make you doubt yourself when you manage to have a happy girl - especially when you're on your own.

Floggingmolly Thu 31-Jul-14 11:22:02

So you're to kick your dd out if your bed to make it easier to move a man (the meeting of whom should be your top priority) in?
Report the silly mare. She's not only no help at all, which is useless but harmless; but she's actively dangerous

choochootrain1 Thu 31-Jul-14 11:25:09

Make a complaint - she's incredibly rude

ElephantsNeverForgive Thu 31-Jul-14 11:25:22

WTF, prioritising finding a man?

Two of the nicest, most confident DDs I know have DMs who didn't form serious relationships until they were about 10!

I'd love to know what she'd have made if my still breast feeding and occasionally coming in for a cuddle at night junior aged child!

Making DD your too dependent, hmm that's certainly not how anyone would have described DD2.

sebsmummy1 Thu 31-Jul-14 11:25:26

Honestly I really think this advice is total bullshit.

The most important thing you can do for your children is love them unconditionally, it's obvious that you do and your child feels loved. Brilliant stuff! If both of you are sleeping you are doing a lot better than others whose children rarely sleep and in turn cause them to have constant interrupted sleep.

The likelihood of you and your continuing to share a bed once she hits adolescence is precisely zero. There will be a point where she moves permanently into her room as she will want her space or you will make that decision yourself because MAYBE you might meet someone and want to share a bed with them instead. All of this will be an organic process and she has no right to do a pop diagnosis about your mental state based on co sleeping. It's ridiculous. People used to share beds all the time in the past due to living conditions and no heating.

firstchoice Thu 31-Jul-14 11:28:20

I wouldn't report.
But I would avoid her in future.

She sounds like she has done a weekend psychology / child psychology course. Distance learning at that. But, a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

Frontier Thu 31-Jul-14 11:29:49

That's really odd advice. For a start surely all HCP know that just about the riskiest thing a single mum can do for her child is to get a new man. Not saying they shouldn't, if they want (and they are aware of an mitigate the risks) to but to encourage it for it's own sake and suggest that it's needed is nonsense and possibly dangerous.

Tapewormuprising Thu 31-Jul-14 11:31:55

This sounds like my health visitor after DS2 was born. He didn't like to be put down at all, so i wore him in a sling and he went to sleep at night by me feeding him and then cuddling him to sleep. He was as happy as larry and would sleep for hours during the day while i could get on with house stuff.

I told this to the HV as she was asking about our 'arrangement' and she started to tell me how i could get him to sleep by patting him and letting him cry hmm and how carrying him around would mean he had attachment issues.

DS is now 14 months and is happy and settled and quite happy to do his own thing.

Just ignore, what ridiculous advice.

Happy36 Thu 31-Jul-14 11:34:44

You are fine, don't worry. Ignore the health visitor as politely as you can.

Probably she went on a separation anxiety course last week so it's the buzz word(!)

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