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To ask DP to forgive me for DS's birth?

(248 Posts)
CulturalBear Thu 31-Jul-14 10:32:08

Have posted a few times about moderately crap DS birth.

Nutshell - waters broke, on drip 40 hours later, needed forceps/episiotomy, later abandoned on recovery ward (with naked baby) by hospital staff and DP for 4-5hours. DS largely fine, I was largely fine.

A year and a bit on, and it still bothers me.

Someone IRL recently told me the usual 'all that matters' is that DS is fine and I need to let it go - and asked what I needed to do that.

It occurred to me around DS's first birthday that I need DP to forgive me. He has never given me any praise or credit around the birth or year since - never said well done or that he's proud of me, or that I'm a good mum or even thank you for the things I do - all normal things a dad might say to his partner.

He is basically Spock when it comes to feelings - he logics the shit out of them so they don't trouble him.

But I believe that him not saying these things implies he feels ashamed of me. I think that if I could get him to express forgiveness for screwing up or letting him/DS down, then I might be able to let go this over-riding sense of failure I've had since.

For the record, I 100% do not judge the way that anyone else gives birth - it's bloody hard work and requires a huge amount of effort however it happens - I just wish I, personally, had done better. I have never been given a reason for needing the interventions other than 'he was a bit stuck'.

Ideally DS would tell me he forgives me - but I'm not sure I could wait 18+ years!

Would I be unreasonable to ask DP to forgive me? If not, how do I go about it?

Mrsjayy Thu 31-Jul-14 10:38:11

Oh dear what do you want forgiveness for what do you think you did wrong you are not in control of your body when you give birth it does what it wants.
I think what you are suffering is birth trauma you did nothing wrong please speak to your gp or hv ask for some councilling

Casmama Thu 31-Jul-14 10:38:22

I don't know what you feel you need forgiveness for. I think your DP is being unsupportive and you should address this directly with him.

I can't see why it is your fault that your DS got stuck- I had a similar first birth and certainly don't blame myself.

sezamcgregor Thu 31-Jul-14 10:38:55

Hello Pombear - I'm not sure why you feel like you need him to tell you you're forgiven. Would you mind telling me a bit more about it?

I feel like you need cuddles rather than forgiveness xxx

Notagainmun Thu 31-Jul-14 10:39:10

WHAT! He should be begging your forgiveness not him forgiving you. You had a traumatic delivery and substandard care following the birth and your DP fucked off and left you to it. LTB.

sezamcgregor Thu 31-Jul-14 10:39:32

*cough - very unMN kisses, sorry

RobbStarksBitch Thu 31-Jul-14 10:39:42

Oh OP your post made me so sad sad I don't think your DP needs to forgive you for anything and I would hope that if you indeed did ask his forgiveness he would be shocked and tell you that there was nothing to forgive.

Maybe he doesn't talk about the birth full stop because he's afraid it would upset you? Or maybe if he's so in control of his feelings the majority of the time he's scared that talking about it would show he's upset and maybe he thinks that's a personal weakness and he'd like to be strong for you?

Whatever the outcome I hope you find some peace thanks

EatShitDerek Thu 31-Jul-14 10:40:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fixitagaintomorrow Thu 31-Jul-14 10:40:58

You aren't being unreasonable to feel that way but you need to get that out of your head. You did NOTHING wrong. I had a very traumatic birth that required a lot of intervention. There wasn't any particular reason, she just didn't seem to want to come out despite my body saying it was time. These things happen, I don't see how you could've done any better when you can't control anything that happens in a delivery suite.

I think instead of asking for forgiveness you need to talk to your partner and let him know you're feeling a bit vulnerable and need some reassurance.

EarthWindFire Thu 31-Jul-14 10:41:52

DP fucked off and left you to it. LTB.

Where does it say that in the OP?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Thu 31-Jul-14 10:41:58

What on earth do you need forgiveness for?

If anything your DH needs to be more supportive. Sometimes birth doesn't go to plan, it's not your fault, there wasn't anything you could have done about it. It happens.

Have you ever had a debrief about the birth? It sounds like you need some counselling if I'm honest OP.

D0oinMeCleanin Thu 31-Jul-14 10:42:47

You don't need forgiveness. I'm sorry that you feel you do. What happened was out of your control. Have you thought to seek counselling about the birth?

On the other side of the coin, my sister and her baby almost died during childbirth (both now thankfully fine after an emcs, caused by baby getting stuck and sister's blood pressure dropping dramatically)

When she came round enough she made her partner apologise to her for getting her pregnant with a baby so big it almost killed her grin She wouldn't talk to him until he went to buy her some chocolate. She felt chocolate was the least she deserved after almost dying. She's hoping her child will be rich and successful so that he can send her to Australia for a holiday as an apology for almost killing her before he was even born grin

sezamcgregor Thu 31-Jul-14 10:42:56

EarthWindFire - "later abandoned on recovery ward (with naked baby) by hospital staff and DP for 4-5hours"

KERALA1 Thu 31-Jul-14 10:43:36

You have a very unusual take on this - how is how your birth went your fault? You wouldn't feel guilty if you needed your appendix out. I had similar dd1 got stuck had c section didn't occur to me to feel guilty about it totally out of my control. Sils baby died during labour she (rightly) doesn't feel guilty.

BookABooSue Thu 31-Jul-14 10:43:45

Write two letters - one to DP and one to you. DP's letter can be the same as your opening post. Make it clear what you are asking ie for him to say that you didn't let him down.

As for the letter for you - put in it all the detail about what happened and why it upset you. Then either burn the letter or rip it up. It's like the written equivalent of a worry doll. You're acknowledging the hurt but letting it go.

The reason I'm suggesting both is because I'm not entirely sure that your DP forgiving you will be enough. There isn't anything to forgive. It's your emotions that you need to work a way through.

Alternatively, have a session with a counsellor and try to get to the bottom of why it's still upsetting you. It may just be that you haven't had the chance to process all the emotions properly yet. Once we give birth, there is a whirl of activity and a well-meaning but sometimes mistaken belief that you only focus on the good. It means that any negative feelings can get suppressed rather than dealt with. A counsellor could just give you the opportunity to acknowledge it all.

FannyFifer Thu 31-Jul-14 10:43:49

Oh love, you have nothing to be forgiven for, nothing at all.

Giving birth doesn't go to plan, things happen, baby was stuck & you needed intervention it's not anything you need forgiven for.

Is there anyone else you can speak to?

magpiegin Thu 31-Jul-14 10:44:12

Have you tried to speak to him about the birth? He probably doesn't want to upset you by bringing it up.

AMumInScotland Thu 31-Jul-14 10:45:22

You didn't do anything wrong.
If your DP thinks you did, then he is the one who is in the wrong.
He should be ashamed of his own behaviour, not yours.

You need to come to terms with what happened to you - can you contact the hospital and have them take you through it, explain what's in your notes, listen to you? Once you recognise that you are not in the wrong here, maybe you will feel string enough to confront your husband about his lack of support for you.

FWIW - my DS was also stuck, also needed forceps, and it took me a long while to feel that I understood the sequence of events, and really took on board the fact that there was nothing that I could have done differently that would have affected the end result. I needed to let go of the guilt that I'd been struggling with - and that was something that had to come from inside myself, not from anyone else 'forgiving' me for not being perfect.

DiaDuit Thu 31-Jul-14 10:46:02

OP i dont think you need any forgiveness at all. But to your point, i think you want your own forgiveness but for some reason you need your DH to okay it. Your DH hasnt 'forgiven' you (vocally) because he doesnt see anything to forgive. And there isnt. Forgiveness probably has never occurred to him. I think you are holding him responsible for your own feelings about your son's birth. That isnt fair. You need to let go of this idea that you need to be forgiven for anything. There is nothing. You are torturing yourself an if you look to others (DH or DS) to provide closure for this then you will always be waiting because this is something only you can give yourself. Make peace with what has happened and give yourself permission to move on from it guilt free.

EarthWindFire Thu 31-Jul-14 10:46:40

Maybe DP had to leave?

OP you need to talk to your DP. He isn't a mind reader and unless you talk to him he won't know how you feel.

You have nothing to appologise for though thanks

FannyFifer Thu 31-Jul-14 10:47:22

Why were abandoned for hours afterwards though, where was your husband?

CoffeeTea103 Thu 31-Jul-14 10:47:43

Op you doing very low at the moment thanks. You don't need his forgiveness, you gave birth to his child. He should be seeking forgiveness from you for leaving you during the traumatic birth.
Please be king to yourself, you've done nothing wrong.

beccajoh Thu 31-Jul-14 10:48:03

I don't understand how any of it was your fault?

CoffeeTea103 Thu 31-Jul-14 10:48:08

Sound not doing

Fixitagaintomorrow Thu 31-Jul-14 10:48:19

EarthWindFire - "later abandoned on recovery ward (with naked baby) by hospital staff and DP for 4-5hours"

After dd was born I was rushed straight to surgery and spent 4 hours in recovery completely alone because family weren't allowed in, not because they had fucked off. Although the staff did have to decency not to leave me alone with the baby.

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