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AIBU?

To ask DP to delete a "friend" from Facebook

29 replies

PickleMyster · 31/07/2014 09:21

if he wants to announce my pregnancy and put scan photos up?

Last year after a specific incident I decided to call time on a friendship. I had been "friends" with this person (I'll call her Casey) for about 11/12 years. We were introduced through another friend (I'll call her Louise). For the first year or two I saw Casey sporadically, I didn't know her very well, but she seemed nice and friendly and we got on whenever we went out. Louise, Casey and myself then decided to go into house share together.

It wasn't long until I realised just how messy and lazy Casey was. Whenever Louise asked her to tidy something up Casey would be fine about it. Whenever I asked her to clear something up and Louise was there to witness it Casey was fine with it, but if Louise wasn't there then Casey would act fine with it to my face but then go running to Louise saying I was picking on her/bullying her. I also overheard Casey making bitchy comments about me. When I questioned her about it she would either deny it or make out that it had been said in a different context. I was reading about gaslighting a couple of years ago and she immediately sprung to mind. After a couple of years Casey moved out and went to live in her boyfriend's home town (about 200 miles away). Louise and I stayed in the house (we moved our boyfriends in)

When Casey moved out we agreed to put our differences behind us. I emailed/texted her a few times but she never replied. Then Louise asked me would it be okay for Casey to visit for the weekend. I agreed. When Casey came neither of us mentioned the emails/texts and I explained to Louise that as far I was concerned Casey was here to visit Louise, Louise was responsible for Casey being in the house. A few months later later it was Casey birthday, she invited mutual friends to hers to celebrate. I was not invited. I wished her happy birthday (facebook) and let her get on with it. When it was my birthday I didn't get anything from her.

Eventually Louise and I ended the house share and moved into our own flats with our boyfriends. Not long after I became pregnant. During the whole of my pregnancy and when DS was born I never heard a peep from Casey. Then when DS was about three months old Louise organised getting us all together one weekend. We agreed to meet up for Sunday lunch. A few days before I received a gushing email from Casey, congratulating me on DS's birth, how beautiful he was, how much she was looking forward to catching up with me and meeting DS. I was a bit shocked but I sent a friendly reply.

There were about 14 people at the meal. Casey pretty much ignored us. Afterwards we were in the beer garden and Casey keep standing near to us, waving her cigarette around and flicking ash (some landed on DS) we kept moving around the beer garden to get away from her. After about the 3rd time of it happening, DP and I decided to go home (rather than cause a scene).

I didn't see Casey for about four years. I wished her happy birthday on Facebook, liked her status/photos but I never received anything back. Over those four years I got on with my life, lots of things happened and unless someone mentioned Casey or I saw something on Facebook I never really thought about her.

Last year Louise had a party (it was a few weeks after my birthday) out of the blue Casey wished me happy birthday over Facebook. I admit I was a bit . I went to party on my own and I wasn't drinking. I chatted to Casey - everything was fine. Louise gave me a belated birthday card which all of our mutual friends had signed (which I thought was lovely) except Casey. I put it down on the coffee table and went into the kitchen, whilst in there I got talking to another friend. From there I saw Casey pick the card and fling it across the living room. It landed between the sofa and wall. I decided to leave it, again I didn't want to create a scene, and I picked it up at the end of the night. At that point I believe Casey didn't know I had seen what happened.

I was going to forget about it, but the next morning I mentioned it to DP, he was stunned and the only explanation I could think of was that she must really hate me going back to when we lived together. I also spoke to a couple of friend who don't know Casey or Louise and they thought she was horrible person who seems insecure and jealous about things. My view was it's been at least 7 years since we lived together and I can't be arsed with this grudge holding that she has and also I have no trust in her now. I deleted and blocked her on Facebook. I spoke to DP about it, the conversation went along the lines of "Casey hates me, your partner, the mother of your child, she's been destructive towards me and I don't want her knowing anything about my life".

After that we never spoke about her again until a few weeks ago. DP mainly goes on Facebook on his phone. He was looking through it on evening and showed me a photo, it was of Casey and another man that neither of us knew (as far as we knew Casey was still living with her boyfriend, no kids). DP then quickly explained that he hasn't got the facility on his phone to delete her (I found it difficult to delete her on the IPad, needed to go through the laptop to do it).

I haven't had an easy pregnancy. Tbh it been a physical and emotional roller coaster. I'm 16 weeks and still feeling rough at times. On Monday afternoon I just felt sick and then fell asleep for an hour. That evening a friend posted a photo on Facebook and Casey was part of it. In the past I've usually just scrolled on whenever she's come up on my newsfeed like that, but that evening I could have stuck pins in her eyes (I blame the hormones) in the end I hid the photo. But it got me thinking, at the moment we haven't announce my pregnancy on Facebook (waiting for 20 week scan) I deleted Casey because I didn't want her to know what was going on in my life but if DP doesn't delete her she going to find out our good news directly from one of us. (She probably wouldn't congratulate anyway) Most of our mutual friends know we don't have a good relationship and a couple know about what happened last year, it's eventually bound to get back to her and that fine, I feel really strongly that I don't want her to share our joy. Also DP doesn't like her very much, he finds her quite high maintenance, and immature. He didn't like the way she behaved when we lived together.

So AIBU to ask DP to delete Casey from Facebook if he wants to announce my pregnancy and put scan photos up?

Thanks for reading my essay.

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Vitalstatistix · 31/07/2014 09:28

I'm just surprised she's still on his friends list given everything she's done and that he doesn't even like her. You have to ask him to delete her? It hasn't occurred to him to not have an unpleasant person that he doesn't like and who treats his partner with contempt on his FB?

No. It wouldn't be unreasonable to ask him if he actually wants her on his FB and if the answer is no, to suggest that he takes 30 seconds to pop onto a laptop or pc and delete her.

I don't blame you for just removing her from your life. It sounds like the worst teenage drama ever and what adult can actually be bothered with that? I was exhausted just reading it. It would depress the crap out of me to have to live it. I am not surprised you want as much distance as you can get.

I sometimes use fb on my phone. You can scroll down to the bottom and it says full site or desktop site or something like that. If you click on that, it gives you full functionality.