To ask my friend not to add ransoms to our catchups?

[CustardFromATin]

This may well be both high schoolish and U, so please

I am fortunate to have had a great NCT group, and we talk a lot online and whenever possible in person. With most of us now having 2 or 3 kids, this is unfortunately not often any more!

We now catch up as a group every month or two for dinner or afternoon tea and one of the group always invites 2-3 random other mums she knows from elsewhere. I understand wanting all your friends to be friends - but frankly with 3 under 5 and busy work and social lives I have enough trouble keeping in touch with my old friends as it is, and am starting to resent getting stuck at the end of a table making small talk to a stranger (however nice) for a whole dinner when I really want to strengthen my ties with old friends, and have organised a babysitter for the privilege!

As often the unofficial organiser I leave the invite lists open so people can bring partners or friends from our extended group - WIBU to speak to the friend? Or should I shut down the invite lists and lose the flexibility? Or should I stop being a big baby and just suck it up

[CustardFromATin]

Oops, delete the initial 'so please'

[CustardFromATin]

And ransoms to randoms. Apparently autocorrect thinks I've been kidnapped.

[Donnadoon]

YANBU
I've had this and it's awkward

[Nowaysis]

Why is it always one organiser?

If you organise it, the ransoms won't be invited.

I am the organiser of our group and to be honest, I opened it up because on 2 occasions people cancelled at the last minute and there'd be 2-3 of us for dinner.

Like you say, it's nice to go out and get a baby sitter and it be worthwhile catch up with people. As an organiser, I was missing out catching up on other friends I hadn't invited IYSWIM?

Some options/

• arrive early and sit in the middle of the table
  
• speak to organiser to understand who the newbies are and why they're invited. Ask to limit events to invite only and to check with rest of the group if that's ok
  
• become the organiser
  

YAB slightly U only because being an organiser of these things takes time, texts, emails and Facebook to make sure everyone is at least 90% happy. You're then blamed when they're not.

[NewtRipley]

I wanted this to be about ransoms

Anyhoo

I'd talk to the friend in a really positive way (no mention of randoms/ransoms) about wanting to catch up with her

[NewtRipley]

I have to admit, large events with other mums give me the Heebies - they often get complicated and fractured as time wears on

[comebackstrong]

Could you not invite the friends you really want to see along too? Kill a few birds with one stone then?

[YourHandInMyHand]

I am assuming ransoms is RANDOMS and you are all on some autocorrect gadget??

I'd do an invite that says something along the lines of lets get just us NCT people together this time so we can all catch up. That makes it nice rather than bluntly stating don't bring random people I don't know.

[JoeyMaynardsghost]

Vaguely disappointed this wasn't about some mad kidnapping scheme.

Have you spoken to your friend and told her how you feel? Sometimes you need to spell things out.

I had a friend, we were very close and often went off for long lunches etc Until I was made redundant and found another job elsewhere, then whenever we met up for what had been long gossipy chats, she then brought along a whole group of people and I didn't ever get to chat with her. She couldn't or wouldn't see that I sometimes wanted to chat to her as we had always done. I didn't object to the group as such, it was me wanting to chat to her once in a while and her pushing me away in favour of a group. No idea why, she wouldn't admit she was doing this and haven't seen her in years now. Sadly.

[Vitalstatistix]

Don't leave the guest list open. Or leave it open and specify that it is open to partners and to mutual friends only.