To rant about DH re dinner responsibilities?

[Clarabell33]

I should mention that I have had a shocker of a day and am in a foul mood so quite possible IABU but I need to vent a bit. Please bear with me.

Most nights, including weekends, I get dinner for DH and I (no kids). I used to cook a lot, especially when I was single, but now I cook 'properly' once a week or less as I'm usually the last home (by quite some time), tired and DH is 'starving' so it's often just whatever I can throw together quickly. He has never had dinner ready (I have, if I'm the first one home) and never offered to make it. If I ever say anything about his turn to cook, he says takeaway. He has never cooked since we moved, which was over 18 months ago. Usually I don't bother and just make our dinner and he eats whatever appears in front of him, but today I am just really fucking pissed off at the 'so you've had a shit day, that sucks... what's for dinner?' attitude. I do all the food shopping (it's a calamity if I so much as ask him to pick up milk - and no, he wouldn't do it without being asked as the level of milk is not on his radar unless he wants tea/cereal and there isn't enough) so he claims he doesn't know what we have in (although I have stopped padlocking the kitchen so he can get in there to find out if he wants) and it's definitely not that he can't cook - he would be the first to tell you how much better a cook he is than I am, although I do think it's slightly unfair to judge me when half the time it's cheese on toast or equivalent just because it's quick and he wants fed now.

Anyway, today I said I didn't know, what is for dinner, and he mumbled something about a takeaway. This has worked in the past but today I nodded and retreated upstairs so as not to scream at him. He came up a little while later to ask what I want to do for dinner as he's hungry. I said I didn't know, but that I am hungry too. He hovered a bit and suggested takeaway again - fine. Which one? Anything is fine by me (yes, I am aware that I was being arsey). He then said he'd have a look in the freezer - and without even leaving the room, announced that he supposed he could make pie (obviously has acquired a psychic connection to the contents of the freezer) but it would take ages from frozen (again with the psychic powers) and he's hungry now. I agreed.

He's now stomped off downstairs and I've heard the front door go once or twice - perhaps he's hiding food in the garage, or foraging in the garden. Or possibly he's managed to locate and unwrap the pie, and locate the oven, hack the controls and make heat happen although not sure why he'd need to go outside for that. It obviously is too much to ask for one night off from being mum even after a seriously shit day (which he knew about earlier as I'd texted him). So AIBU to be this pissed off? AIBU to think this expectation that I am solely responsible for all food-related areas isn't normal, especially as we don't even have kids yet, both have fulltime jobs, and are pretty equal as adults? WIBU to say something now, or should I wait til I'm in a less shit mood (not that that will make any difference to how he reacts)? AIBU to be this arsey about it or should I just stop moaning and mum up and make his sodding dinner?

Whew. Thank you for reading. Ready to be told to stop being such a shite wife and cook his dinner now.

[glenthebattleostrich]

How have you not killed him?

[SlicedAndDiced]

Well I'm not going to call you a shite wife

But have you always insisted on sharing cooking responsibilities? Or have you just assumed responsibility and done it yourself but telepathically willed him to figure out that you wanted him to do it too?

I can see why in that case he might be confused.

Yanbu to expect shared responsibility of course.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Don't talk to him now while you're so wound up. That can lead to you ranting and then being accused of being "unreasonable" or worse, "hysterical".


I suggest you go on strike for at least a week. I'd be minded to have a "severe loss of appetite" (because you've eaten before you got home). But then, I'm a contrary bitch who despises being manipulated or taken advantage of. Just because you're in possession of a vagina does not automatically make you Fanny Fucking Craddock every day of the week.

[ShadowFall]

He's an adult. He should be capable of feeding himself.

It's not unreasonable to expect him to cook at least some of the time. Definitely not unreasonable to say something about it, although may be better to wait until you're in a calmer mood.

[Pinkje]

Wow!

You need to go to the supermarket together and discuss the following week's meals.

You were joking about the padlock I assume?

[Picklepest]

How does he know he cooks better if he never cooks? Why do men need such drill down orders as I'll cook x y z nights you do a b c? It's all a mystery.

I feel your pain.

[Happy36]

Speak to him, explain your feelings and what he can do to help. A rota could be useful in the short - term.

If he's not a good cook and you are maybe you can cook together.

Also can you make dishes where leftovers can just be reheated quickly the following days, like soup, lasagne, casserole, so that a little time spent cooking goes a longer way?

[Pico2]

I'd just cook for myself and ignore him. Or pick something up for yourself on the way home (but not for him) and eat it.

[MsVestibule]

YANBU, but I think you know that. You shouldn't need one, but think you need to set up a rota. As long as there's a reasonable variety of food in the kitchen, it's not that difficult. Also, he's an arse.

[MrsTaraPlumbing]

Have you thought of just cooking for yourself?
Of course, it will be annoying if he then gets himself take away every night.
Have you had a proper grown up conversation about the domestic chores
and that he is not 6
and you are not his mum?
Might be OK if he does all of some other chores - all the laundry, cleaning and changing of bed.

[Finney2]

If you do the shopping and are happy doing it, and you meal plan, then write down the 7 meals you have chosen for the week and put them on the notice board. Cross them out as you make them and just take it in turns to make dinner.

If you're not happy doing the shopping, or you don't meal plan, then I'd still do alternate nights. Buy your 3/4 meals then let him decide what he's going to cook every second night. He'll soon get sick of takeaway, and of the money it costs to buy it.

[Mouldypineapple]

Any nice cooking sounds/smells drifting your way yet??
Stand your ground! A new system needs to start today, more even shares in the kitchen!

[Mouldypineapple]

If it gets desperate, a bowl of cereal does the job or me!!

[LoveBeingInTheSun]

I think regardless of your shot day you need to wait it out or you could go out to eat and leave him to his pie

[Clarabell33]

Thank you all for not slating me. I tend to get massive guilt and not post ranty ones like this but I am just so angry tonight (not all DH's fault tbf).

Sharing house stuff is an ongoing battle. I think he doesn't do much, let alone enough - he thinks he does more than his fair share. And so it goes on. If we try to discuss it, it always descends into a competition about who does what for how many hours and I tend to give up and walk away when he starts going on about how the jobs I don't want to do (cutting grass, fixing car) which he does are 'worth more' than laundry, shopping, cleaning, cooking etc, because I don't want to or can't do them.

I have gone on strike a few times. The outcome is usually either that I relent or he doesn't notice (or possibly pretends not to). He is quite happy to eat my nutritious dinners, or to exist on takeaway or cheese on toast. He's quite easily pleased with food to be fair and rarely complains even on the odd occasion when my cooking is abysmal (it's not cuisine but is usually quite nice, edible at least). He also works in an area where there are loads of nice restaurants nearby, so can get a decent meal at lunch if he fancies and have cereal for dinner, whereas there is nothing within a few miles of my work and I can't always get away from the office so it is usually sandwiches etc. I feel I'd be making too much of an issue of it to pointedly cook myself dinner and not him, and I can't really afford to eat out before I go home every night. Likewise, we can't afford him to get takeaways every night.

A rota would be great - even informally - but he would not go for it or stick to it. Have suggested he does dinner every Thurs night when I am even later home than usual, but that fell by the wayside pretty quickly.

Pinkje, I was joking about the padlock but am sorely tempted to get one and see how long before he notices.

[Clarabell33]

The microwave just beeped!! Waiting with bated breath now. Can't smell anything...

[NuggetofPurestGreen]

I don't really understand why you've let it go on for 18 months if it annoys you so much?

I don't live with my partner yet but we've already decided that when we do we're just going to cook our own meals to ensure none of this kind of thing .

[CheerfulYank]

Tell him it has to be shared.

But if he wants to do takeaway on "his" nights I think that's okay, though.

[Pico2]

Why would we slate you? It isn't the 1950s, even if he thinks it is.

[NuggetofPurestGreen]

I dunno cheerful I wouldn't want a takeaway 3-4 times a week!

[Pico2]

I don't agree that takeaway on his nights is ok. Presumably that would be takeaway that costs more than home cooking, paid for out of joint money, why shouldn't he have to put the same time in. And most takeaway is pretty bad for you.

[ShatterResistant]

I'm watching this thread to find out what's going to come out of the microwave- do tell!!

[NuggetofPurestGreen]

That's it Pico and I'd be the size of a house if I had that many takeaways in a week.

[Clarabell33]

Frankly it could be chopped liver and I'd eat it maybe not I am so bloody hungry. Nose to spite face but if I go near the kitchen, I'll get involved and as it does sound like he's preparing some sort of dinner just now (bloody 20 past nine!!), I am not going to interfere! Unless it's just for him, in which case I will microwave his balls.