To rant about DH re dinner responsibilities?(126 Posts)
I should mention that I have had a shocker of a day and am in a foul mood so quite possible IABU but I need to vent a bit. Please bear with me.
Most nights, including weekends, I get dinner for DH and I (no kids). I used to cook a lot, especially when I was single, but now I cook 'properly' once a week or less as I'm usually the last home (by quite some time), tired and DH is 'starving' so it's often just whatever I can throw together quickly. He has never had dinner ready (I have, if I'm the first one home) and never offered to make it. If I ever say anything about his turn to cook, he says takeaway. He has never cooked since we moved, which was over 18 months ago. Usually I don't bother and just make our dinner and he eats whatever appears in front of him, but today I am just really fucking pissed off at the 'so you've had a shit day, that sucks... what's for dinner?' attitude. I do all the food shopping (it's a calamity if I so much as ask him to pick up milk - and no, he wouldn't do it without being asked as the level of milk is not on his radar unless he wants tea/cereal and there isn't enough) so he claims he doesn't know what we have in (although I have stopped padlocking the kitchen so he can get in there to find out if he wants) and it's definitely not that he can't cook - he would be the first to tell you how much better a cook he is than I am, although I do think it's slightly unfair to judge me when half the time it's cheese on toast or equivalent just because it's quick and he wants fed now.
Anyway, today I said I didn't know, what is for dinner, and he mumbled something about a takeaway. This has worked in the past but today I nodded and retreated upstairs so as not to scream at him. He came up a little while later to ask what I want to do for dinner as he's hungry. I said I didn't know, but that I am hungry too. He hovered a bit and suggested takeaway again - fine. Which one? Anything is fine by me (yes, I am aware that I was being arsey). He then said he'd have a look in the freezer - and without even leaving the room, announced that he supposed he could make pie (obviously has acquired a psychic connection to the contents of the freezer) but it would take ages from frozen (again with the psychic powers) and he's hungry now. I agreed.
He's now stomped off downstairs and I've heard the front door go once or twice - perhaps he's hiding food in the garage, or foraging in the garden. Or possibly he's managed to locate and unwrap the pie, and locate the oven, hack the controls and make heat happen although not sure why he'd need to go outside for that. It obviously is too much to ask for one night off from being mum even after a seriously shit day (which he knew about earlier as I'd texted him). So AIBU to be this pissed off? AIBU to think this expectation that I am solely responsible for all food-related areas isn't normal, especially as we don't even have kids yet, both have fulltime jobs, and are pretty equal as adults? WIBU to say something now, or should I wait til I'm in a less shit mood (not that that will make any difference to how he reacts)? AIBU to be this arsey about it or should I just stop moaning and mum up and make his sodding dinner?
Whew. Thank you for reading. Ready to be told to stop being such a shite wife and cook his dinner now.
Frankly it could be chopped liver and I'd eat it
maybe not I am so bloody hungry. Nose to spite face but if I go near the kitchen, I'll get involved and as it does sound like he's preparing some sort of dinner just now (bloody 20 past nine!!), I am not going to interfere! Unless it's just for him, in which case I will microwave his balls.
He wants you to be his mammy
You're not planning on having any kids with this manchild are you?
I think the fact it's gone on for a year ad a half, he can't put two and two together.
My dh was brought up in a house where mother did everything. He couldn't understand. However, he went to Uni so I don't buy he bullshit.
In saying that I cook every single night. Do all shopping, cleaning, ironing.
His mother showed me how to bake bread for him! So I did twice a week.
However, I snapped one day. Boycotted ironing etc. he really couldn't understand.
Sort it out now before you just feel like walking.
Buying takeaways anytime he is left to sort it out is a waste of money, apart from anything else.
I'm not quite ready to say LTB, but I do think it's an issue - you almost don't seem pissed off enough! He's acting like a lazy teenager, frankly. So he won't deal with it off his own initiative, but he also wouldn't stick to a rota?
My DH is similarly 'laid back', but because we have kids and not enough money for constant takeaways, and because I do get quite pissed off when I feel I'm doing the bulk of the shopping/planning/cooking, we've got a rota. Which he does stick to, and therefore we stay married. I still have to be the one to prod - time to make a shopping list! Time to check the rota! - but its ever so much better.
We sit down once a week and decide what we'll have over the week ahead. He does two nights, I do two night, the kids each do a night, and we have takeaway or 'make yourself a sandwich' night once a week. Whoever cooks, washes up. (I do the takeaway washing up, usually.) It is all in writing and posted on the fridge.
Blimey ive just had this argument with DH, like literally 15 minutes ago. Not about cooking though about EVERYTHING! He has just skulked off to bed with the arse and I'm tempted to sleep on the sofa but my bed is too comfy.
Cooking doesn't bother me, what would wind me up is that I'm also left cleaning up after.
I would sit down a night before shopping day and go through a weeks meal planning and who does what regarding cooking.
Calm down and have a proper talk, but there again I can understand your frustration.
Hangry, that's what you are now. (Only just discovered this word, and I get like it all the time.) and you're right, much better to wait to discuss until you're just angry. YANBU, absolutely not, would drive me crazy.
I hope it was delicious and worth the wait!
FWIW you can discuss these things and then it turns to bollocks in reality. Sometimes a person's perception of their cooking prowess is different to what they deliver (my ex was always banging on about the amazing cooking he did- then in reality bought value frozen sausages and value noodles and tried to feed them to me. We divorced.)
I've got a horrible feeling it was a meal for one in the microwave and OP is currently busy dismembering her DH.
White board. Write down days of the week on one side, and agree together what meals will be cooked next to it. Next column, shopping list for everything you need. Last column, write all the daily/weekly/monthly house tasks in it. Sit down, he chooses one daily, then you do then he does then you do etc etc etc through to monthly. Then you both your chores.
And make a ruling; which is fair enough which is 'first one home gets dinner on'. No fussing, no bothering - just doing. And as it is on the menu plan there is no bloody excuse. And the partner to this which is 'whoever cooks doesn't do the pots'.
When my dh became sahd he had to learn to cook. We started off slowly with stir frys (we ate hundreds of them) and then moved on. I still meal planned and shopped as I like to eat healthy food where dh would live out of a deep fat fryer. I used to leave the stuff that needed to be prepped in the fridge with some written instructions at the start
Surely whoever is first home should do dinner?
Really hoping it's not just his own dinner he's sorting.
Funky- should it really come to this? A white board with a rota? THese are presumably two people who love each other and thet can't vome to an agreement about preparing food.
OP Don't have kids. Everything will become 100 times more complicated. Living as a couple should be the easy bit.
But what if the same person is always home first? They have to cook every night?
I don't understand how you've let it go this long tbh. DP cooks more than me, probably does an equal amount around the house. We have had a constant process of negotiation and settled on where we are now, with a cleaner every few weeks so resentment doesn't build. Please don't have kids with him without things changing. There was never an assumption in our house that I would do more, largely because neither of us grew up in houses where that's the case (v unusual I know).
I get really embarrassed visiting friends when the eye-rolling, you know what men are like excuses come up about house work - I don't. DP wasn't raised like that, and I wasn't raised to let him be. I feel no guilt, if I got home late and he hadn't thought to cook I would look at him incredulously until he got something sorted. I would go mental if he expected me to do everything.
You need to grow a bit more of a back bone and think about what you want your life to be like. And have calm, sensible conversations with him about it. And when he agrees in theory - 'of course I don't think of you as a skivy, of course I'll do my fair share' - you calmly pull him up on it when he doesn't do it, and just calmly look at him and wait till he does. You really will regret it if you let your life carry on like this until you have children.
"But what if the same person is always home first? They have to cook every night?" Not necessarily. They could invest in a slow cooker or the person who is cooking can do some prep the day before. First in who doesn't want to cook can set the table, get out a few nibbles or make a salad. Or drink wine while they wait.
I couldn't see a rota working in our house. Our schedules before kids were too unpredictable, and working late unexpectedly was very frequent.
We had- and still do have a more ad-hoc arrangement. We both love cooking though and often cook together, or one will start and the other takes over. It's all unspoken.
What did you have to eat?
I hope he prepared enough for two?
His contribution of mowing that lawn and fiddling with the car is "worth more" than you doing everything else? Fuck him! That effing lawn probs gets mowed about once a fortnight and not at all in the winter.
You need to sort this unequal mess before you have children or there will be no going back.
Shatter, that was totally the word for it
I was eating. Pie. With mash and peas (also from freezer). Feeling somewhat appeased and less ragey but still a bit FFS. Have added pie and mash to shopping list for next Incident as he's now proven he can make dinner. Not that he couldn't before...
He is perfectly capable, but I think the problem is that he is a bit 1950s and at first I was too because playing house was such fun when it was all new and we were just playing at it, but it's just kept on and it's no longer a fun new game. We do need to sort things out - I'm not expecting him to take over the cooking (or anything else), but it would be really nice to know that even just one night a week, I don't have to cook and will still get a proper dinner (even if it is frozen pie), not cheese on toast or takeaway (because that's two more nights accounted for ). Re shopping, 90% of the time I end up doing it because if I didn't, we'd have long since run out of milk and bread etc, and when you're picking them up, you might as well get a few more bits... so he ends up not ever needing to go. I can't remember the last time he had to go to the supermarket, so I should stop being the organised one who knows about the milk level and make him take more responsibility.
Shopping lists would be taken as too patronising/dictatorial but I will try gentle suggestion. Milk is running low, so I will try this tomorrow and see if it works. Will have to stop myself from popping to the shop on the way home just in case he forgets...
We do get through quite a lot of milk btw, I'm not unreasonably obsessed with the milk level
X post! Thanks for the update. He has some way to go.... Glad you're no longer starving!
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