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To be annoyed by my friend's attitude?

(160 Posts)
LifesABeachApparently Mon 28-Jul-14 21:28:09

Apologies in advance for the hundredth wedding post!

So, we're going to a wedding soon. In total there are 7 of us, 5 are friends to the bride and groom and two of us are plus ones as partners to the invited. We're giving money as a gift (yes yes, I know, but this isn't a post about money vs gift). Anyway, we were working out how much money to give and we all decided £15 per person would be good but that the couples would each pay a little more (£20). So the 3 single invitees would each pay £15 and the two couples would pay £20 per couple.

It's important to note here that the 3 single friends aren't actually single, their OHs just can't make it to the wedding. Also, both myself and the other plus one aren't close friends of the B&G, I think they're lovely people but it's just that I've only met them twice before.

Just before sealing the envelope single friend A says she doesn't think it's fair she's paying £15 whereas me and my DP (and the other couple) are effectively paying £10 each, so she and single friend B decide to form a 'couple' and pay £20 together. Not only does this leave the third single friend C out it's also not really the point - the reason the couples are paying more is because there are 2 in a couple but the reason we're only paying a bit more is because we're only plus ones rather than life long school friends!

So... AIBU to be a bit upset at friend A?

EthicalPickle Wed 30-Jul-14 18:31:35

It's true that wedding gifts are not 'tickets' but I agree with the PP who said I would take more than a £10's worth to a friends house if they invited me to a nice meal. I'd take a bunch of flowers and a bottle of wine.

lostlalaloopsy Wed 30-Jul-14 18:36:34

Maybe you should all give individual gifts?

Are you going to the whole thing? If you are £15 is really miserable! I usually give £80 for the whole day, actually I usually give about £30 just for the evening.

Seranade Wed 30-Jul-14 19:11:49

Rejoined mumsnet after the password issues for this thread - I am honestly quite shocked by the prevailing attitude that money gifts are like tickets to the wedding.

Maybe I am old fashioned but in my mind they are gifts to be put towards something else and I totally agree with the OP that plus ones would give less and that the fact that the people going to the wedding having partners that can't come too should be a factor. Maybe £15 from each of the proper friends and £5 from each of the partners going or not?

I have just sent a monetary gift to a wedding I couldn't attend and don't think I usually pay enough for my place if I do go (stingy).

I think the only solution is for each person/couple to do their own card and contribution separately to save arguments as I am obviously in the minority here with Lifesabeach.

Seranade Wed 30-Jul-14 19:13:53

surely the couple/parents budget for a wedding they can afford to pay for even if none gives them any gifts? Don't they?

Happy36 Wed 30-Jul-14 19:23:40

Seranade Yes, and gifts (be they from a list, cash or anything else) are at the guests' discretion, as if you were going to any other kind of party and in the same way the host doesn't necessarily expect them.

In some other cultures, however, a cash donation to cover the wedding costs is expected by host and guest as a big, lavish affair is laid on and guests are happy to contribute as it's a beautiful and fun occasion for all but the cultural belief is that the young couple shouldn't have to pay for it themselves.

Two different cultures - not to be compared or combined

Laquitar Wed 30-Jul-14 22:23:36

I bet all the posters who are planning a wedding will frantically try to befriend few Irish!!

OP you all sound mean to me.

A mcdonalds meal will cost you more!

Essel Wed 30-Jul-14 22:53:20


I dont get at all why couples would get a discount and £15 / £20 seems really, really stingy to me. Are you all students?

Jinsei Wed 30-Jul-14 23:16:05

*I am honestly quite shocked by the prevailing attitude that money gifts are like tickets to the wedding."

Yes, I'm shocked by this too. Surely the bride and groom invite people to their wedding because they want those people to share their special day. Those who attend do so as guests of the happy couple, and the cost of their "places" must be figured into the total wedding budget.

There should be no expectation of gifts - the presence of loved ones should be enough. However, if friends and family choose to buy gifts or present money, that is entirely at their discretion. There can be no question in my mind of purchasing your place at the wedding with a gift/donation. What a horrible idea! If people want to sell tickets, the price should be clearly indicated on the invitation. hmm

I generally give gifts even when I cannot attend. If I did attend, I wouldn't think to spend more because DH was invited too. Regardless of who attends, any gifts would be from me and my family. As such, I don't think the single friends should put in any less than the couples.

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 31-Jul-14 07:23:30

If the gift is from a group of seven individuals then the amount put in should be evenly divided by seven, surely.
But if the names of the "single" guests' partners are included, the amount should be evenly split between each couple. Especially if the other halves were invited.

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 31-Jul-14 07:24:42

Also, I think disposable income should usually be taken into account if there's a significant diffence. So if one couples rolling in it (comparatively) in my circle, that couple might make the amount up to something nice and round.

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