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That I'm annoyed my husband chooses not to look after our children on his own.

(189 Posts)
TerrifiedMothertobe Mon 28-Jul-14 21:14:38

We have two boys, one almost 3 one 8 months. I'm back at work soon and am away on a business trip for a week next week. He only has one day where he has them both all day, the other 3 days they are both in nursery or he just has the baby.

However, he is going to take them to his parents for the day he has them both, I know he's worried about managing both of them, but I really am frustrated that he doesn't just man up and do it! It's just a day? How will he ever learn?

I look after the, both all the time and have had 8 months of night feeds, with the exception of two nights. I would put money on him getting his mother to do the night feeds.

He is a great dad, and maybe I am just irritated as I don't have any parents to help me out. But, why can't he just do it himself!?

CharlotteCollins Mon 28-Jul-14 21:19:30

I'm not sure you can say that he's a great dad if he's not even looked after them by himself.

I would be annoyed, too. Presumably he will have them for the mornings and evenings, though? They can be the hardest times of day. Maybe you can console yourself with that thought? grin

deakymom Mon 28-Jul-14 21:22:16

my husband passes the buck the second he gets the kids we have three and one was ill and in hospital he stayed the first few hours while i cleaned the house worried and looked after the other two then i took over and he had to look after the other two (who attend school he drives (i cant) so it was easier for him to drive to the hospital to visit) first thing he does is call mommy and she takes the kids overnight and through part of the day i was livid why can he not cope with two children potty trained and in school! i cope with all flippin three all the time! git grin

ive no parents to help either ive an aunt i can call in an emergency though and she would try her best but i dont think lazy husband = emergency!

do you have a good relationship with your in laws could you ask them to be unavailable once in awhile not always im sure they love seeing the kids but its important for him to see things from your pov and to know what it feels like to deal with them alone!

clam Mon 28-Jul-14 21:22:18

Can you define "great dad?"
I see this phrase bandied around on here all the time, and often people just mean their OHs take the kids to the park once a week and are good at playing with Lego.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jul-14 21:23:15

I think it is fairly common for men to take kiddiwinks to their mum's when they are in sole charge. My DH always used to do it when mine were small and he is a great bloke and a great dad.

I presume he will be sorting out stuff either end of the day out etc. Lots of women who have sole charge break up the day too, with toddler groups and various other stuff you do when you have little kids. A full stretch of 8 hours can seem a bit daunting with nothing else to distract everyone.

Lally112 Mon 28-Jul-14 21:25:07

I'm not sure that defines a 'great dad' either. My husband is shit at housework and many many other things but hes amazing with the kids. He often buggers off with all 4 of them to get out of doing stuff around the house.

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 28-Jul-14 21:27:23

Can you define "great dad?"
I see this phrase bandied around on here all the time, and often people just mean their OHs take the kids to the park once a week and are good at playing with Lego.

Was just going to post something similar.

ohdearitshappeningtome Mon 28-Jul-14 21:32:23

My dh is a great dad! He works office hours and I care for our 15 week son then, he sleeps all night and dh feeds him before work! On weekends my dh does all the cares for him! He sends me to bed, takes him out so I can sleep! ds is at the stage where he won't nap in the day and if he does it's in my arms! Dh does some tidying when he gets in and often has to cook tea as I'm settling the baby when he comes home....

Is this a great dad or the way family is meant to be?

poshfrock Mon 28-Jul-14 21:32:55

How can he be a "great dad" if he can't look after his own kids by himself. Sounds more like shit dad to me. My DH has looked after our 4 by himself since they were born. That's because he's their father and not a part-time babysitter.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 28-Jul-14 21:33:05

I reckon it's an issue of confidence and experience. If he's never done it before I don't blame him for feeling that it's a bit daunting. Like another poster has suggested, a little word with the in-laws about not being totally available would be helpful. At least husband is going to be delighted to see his wife returning. And grateful. Lots of mileage to be wrought from that.

Lally112 Mon 28-Jul-14 21:34:51

Sorry but the start of your post where you say about the only day he has both of your children makes it sound like he wants to palm them off on his parents. maybe I misread it, that's why I was querying the great dad thing.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 28-Jul-14 21:36:13

Why? Because it's easier not to.

My DH looks after DS for 12 hours when I work, it's not even an issue. I don't get why some Dads get to opt out, Mums don't, we just get on with it.

It's hard work of course, I'm not denying that.

TerrifiedMothertobe Mon 28-Jul-14 21:36:30

He's a great dad as he adores them and plays with them, takes them so I can sleep etc (although not left the house for more than feeding ducks/ walk to village shop).

However, he just is too bloody lazy to try and juggle them both and runs to his parents. He did it when we just had one, but this has really annoyed me as I have had a shit year and have no support.

The inlaws are ok, but my mother in law would never ever say no or understand my point of view in this. We are very different people and don't really gel too well.

At least I feel a bit better now.

Although when I get back from my first business trip away (heard core week) I get to look after the two kids and my mother, who has dementia and is partially disabled, whilst my after goes into hospital for an op. Joy. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

amyhamster Mon 28-Jul-14 21:38:06

I don't think there's anything wrong with him going to his parents for a day
you're away all week so presumably he's picking them up from nursery & feeding them , putting them to bed , being on duty all night all week
So maybe he just wants some adult company on that day
He's not moving in with them for the week is he!!
It's nice he's close to his parents tbh

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jul-14 21:42:34

I'm with you amy. And I'm not normally known for giving too much leeway to blokes that are lazy.

Bettercallsaul1 Mon 28-Jul-14 21:44:24

Standards of parenting - between mothers and fathers - are still very different in our society, although things are slowly changing. Some fathers will still not take equal responsibility for their children - some out if genuine fear, some out of lack of interest and some who persist in the notion that it's not primarily a man's role. Of course, they couldn't actually get out of the responsibility if they didn't have mothers, mother-in-laws or other willing females to help them out!

amyhamster Mon 28-Jul-14 21:46:02

There's loads of blokes who wouldnt do what he is doing all week tbh

RiverTam Mon 28-Jul-14 21:46:17

I don't really get why this matters? When DH was away with work I would go to my mum's - I don't really know, I just wanted the company and felt - nervous, somehow, about being alone with DD overnight (this was when she was a baby). Looking after her all day but then being alone in the evening felt a bit much to cope with.

You have to let him do things his way, and if that means taking the DC to his mum's then so be it. I'm sure they'll love seeing grandma anyway.

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jul-14 21:47:58

Do women not go see their mothers/friends/toddler group with the children then ? Is it a prerequisite of being a "good parent" that you must be on your own with two under 5's all day long.

God, when mine were that young I used to cart us around all the time and fall in abject love at their feet if they offered me a port in the storm smile

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jul-14 21:49:59

Just reread and it is two under three

Feck, I never had to manage that, thank Gawd. I would have camped out wherever I there were willing hands.

Jinty64 Mon 28-Jul-14 21:50:36

I think, as he is looking after them, it is his call and I think it's sensible for him to take them to his parents.

Mintyy Mon 28-Jul-14 21:52:56

Op have you looked after them both on your own while your dh has been away for a week?

clam Mon 28-Jul-14 21:53:48

"There's loads of blokes who wouldn't do what he is doing all week tbh"

And why on earth not? Maybe more women should go away more often then, and get them trained.

Bit I bet they'd classify themselves as "good dads" regardless, though.

Bettercallsaul1 Mon 28-Jul-14 21:55:38

It's fine to take the children round to visit grandparents, lovely for all concerned.

I think the OP is just worried that her partner might not be able to cope by himself if he ever had to. If he's never alone with them - in the sense that he actively avoids it - he will never get used to managing both of them and neither them will know if he can!

AnyFucker Mon 28-Jul-14 21:57:44

If OP is going away for a week, then he will be spending plenty of time alone with his kids.

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