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I need to take a deep breath and calm down because I refuse to be called a bridezilla

(186 Posts)
PandaFeet Mon 28-Jul-14 19:17:00

I am typing on here to keep my thumbs from sending a text that will act like a nuclear bomb.

Getting married in 3 weeks. Hen night booked two months ago. Today one of the bridesmaids has decided she's not going, instead she's going out with her new flatmates. She is the grooms sister!!

As if that's not bad enough, she lied to me and said she couldn't get it off work. Ha! So even she knows that she's in the wrong, or else why lie.

I want to text her and ask why is she even being bridesmaid when she has no interest in the wedding, won't even go to the hen do.

I probably am being a bridezilla. But its hurtful and its hard enough organising everything without a bridesmaid of all people doing this so close to the wedding. And in her text message she's worded it so it sounds like we are even putting her out expecting her to go to the wedding. But if I even say anything I will end up being the one in the wrong, so I have to just grit my teeth and smile through it.

And breathe.

fluffyraggies Mon 28-Jul-14 19:20:03

Why does her not wanting to go on the hen do mean that she isn't interested in the wedding? It's her brother getting married, i'm sure she's interested.

longjane Mon 28-Jul-14 19:21:26

She is going to SIL for life
she will related to your kids
Suck it up .
Hen nights are shit
Wedding are even worst .
SIL are for life

specialsubject Mon 28-Jul-14 19:22:29

bit rude to drop out at this stage, but guessing the hen do is something she really doesn't want to attend, or can't afford. She doesn't want to tell you this so made up an excuse, unfortunately she got caught.

no idea what you are doing, but spa sessions/noisy drunken parties are not everyone's thing.

doesn't mean she isn't interested in the wedding. But if that is the case, let her out of it. Get your fiance to speak to her to find out the truth.

PiperRose Mon 28-Jul-14 19:23:06

Put down the phone and walk away. However bad her behaviour is sending what you want to send will only end in tears.

Rise above it, smile serenely and have a wine.

PandaFeet Mon 28-Jul-14 19:24:24

Its not because of that, its aswell as that. She couldn't give a stuff about the wedding. She's bridesmaid for a few other people and its all over facebook, ours? Nothing. Never asks about it, hasn't once offered to help with anything.

She told me she was going to the hen do so I have booked places for her and paid a deposit, and now she can't even do that.

On the day she will put on the dress (that I paid for) and stand there beside me smiling away like we are best mates, putting on a big show. She hasn't had to pay for anything, and all she needed was two days off work. For her own brothers wedding I don't think that's too much, but I'm being made out to be asking too much.

Jackie0 Mon 28-Jul-14 19:24:36

Does she want to be bridesmaid ?
If I were in your shoes and she gave any indication that she does not, whether it be doing out if a sense of duty or whatever, I'd demote her without hesitation .
I feel your pain Op. You just need people to do what the're supposed to do when they are supposed to do it.

googietheegg Mon 28-Jul-14 19:25:22

Hen dos are always awful. Weddings are usually great! I don't blame her tbh. Although the lying is a bit rubbish.

Mintyy Mon 28-Jul-14 19:25:32

You have posted a really rude, dismissive and objectionable reply. Grow up!

LittleRedDinosaur Mon 28-Jul-14 19:25:57

Hen dos can be a bit shit (certainly not meaning yours but rather that they are sometimes a bit shit in general) Does she know many people who are going? Try not to take it personally. I ducked out of my cousins and I love her to bits

fluffyraggies Mon 28-Jul-14 19:26:08

Does her pulling out effect the night for everyone else? Something you have to do in pairs or the like? If not i'd not be that fussed. It's your DH to be's sister. If it was your best friend blowing out it would be a different kettle of fish.

fluffymouse Mon 28-Jul-14 19:26:09

It is pretty rude to drop out last minute, and even more so to lie about it.

Are you going to financially hurt by this? (is she still paying?)

I don't think there is anything to do except quietly seethe for the sake of family relations.

Cheer up, you're getting married smile

StillStayingClassySanDiego Mon 28-Jul-14 19:26:15

It's a poshed up night out.

Think of it another way; if she did turn up on your night she might have a face like a slapped arse you'd be furious.

Breathe, it's not worth the blood pressure spike.

MrsCumbersnatch Mon 28-Jul-14 19:28:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepoodle Mon 28-Jul-14 19:28:30

Did she actually want to be bridesmaid?

Just enjoy your hen night leave future sil to you future dh

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer Mon 28-Jul-14 19:28:31

Maybe she didn't want to be a bridesmaid in the first place, but feels obliged to be one for her brothers sake, even though you don't seem to like her that much.

fluffyraggies Mon 28-Jul-14 19:28:45

X posted, but her job is to stand beside you smiling isn't it? And why should she have paid for anything? confused

I'm not getting it OP, sorry.

It's a bit rotten about the deposit. How much is that?

PandaFeet Mon 28-Jul-14 19:28:52

Its not a hen do in a usual sense of the word. I can't say what it is but its all very relaxed and civilised and doesn't cost the earth.

Castlemilk Mon 28-Jul-14 19:29:35

Do you know, the absolute best thing you can do is not give a shit.


Text back - 'No problem, hey, I'm concerned that from the tone of your text it sounds as if the bridesmaid thing may be stressing you out. You know - if you wanted to drop out , I wouldn't mind. Honestly. A wedding's one day - I hope you'll be my SIL for life!'

And in ten years, no matter what happens, you will STILL be feeling the waves of that text - utter, utter reasonableness combined with a rather scary 'jeeps, she really doesn't give a shit. She has THE COOL' which will be your SIL's reaction to that text.

And if she does drop out - she'll look bad, you'll look utterly mature. Brownie points with everyone from your DFiance to MIL down.

And so she doesn't go to the hen, who cares now? Again, you'll get to make a breezy comment which will make you look GREAT and her like some kind of flakey teen. 'Oh, she really couldn't get out of her, um - what was it? - either work or new flatmates, not sure (grin)'

You'll look back and be so glad you reacted that way.

alardi Mon 28-Jul-14 19:30:30

I've never been to a hen do so I don't know what they involve. So sorry since i'm probably speaking in ignorance.

What kind of place had to be booked? Why is it so non-refundable and so expensive compared to whole cost of rest of the wedding? I sort of thought hen-nights were about going out clubbing & getting very drunk. Which parts need to be booked & paid in advance?

BlackeyedSusan Mon 28-Jul-14 19:30:46

is she paying the deposit? would she have paid for the hen night?

ask your h to sort out the finances, best coming from him really, as long as he does not blame it all on you to look the good guy.

Ragwort Mon 28-Jul-14 19:31:46

Excellent suggestion from Castle. Really recommend you take her advice.

FesterAddams Mon 28-Jul-14 19:31:46

It's one thing to duck out because you don't fancy it.
It's another to cancel at the last minute because you got a better offer.
Based on her general lack of interest I would get fiancé to offer her the option of dropping out of being bridesmaid.

PandaFeet Mon 28-Jul-14 19:32:18

Ok the deposit was only a tenner, but I don't know if I will have to pay full price or not.

And yes, she wanted to be bridesmaid so much she told mil to be who told dp who basically told me to ask her.

I actually do like her, I have really really tried to get on with her too. But it seems that actually she doesn't like me.

Namechangearoonie123 Mon 28-Jul-14 19:32:31

Have to agree that SIL are for life and you should ignore it

I can only hope that she doesn't know you well and is just acting like this because she doesn't yet care about you

You don't want a shit relationship with her because given the threads on here it can really affect your marriage

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