To feel miffed by guests behaviour on the weekend?

[lill72]

We have just moved house and finally have a lovely garden. As it was a hot night, we invited some friends around for a BBQ to our new house. We were excited to have them round and share our new place. When they left ,I just felt upset and slightly insulted by their behaviour.

When they walked in, they didnt make any comment on the house. I don't want over the top - but a comment would have been nice. They just asked - do you like the area better etc. They didnt ask to be shown around, but then asked me a comment about DDs bedroom, which alerted me to the fact they had been snooping in the room whilst on the way to the bathroom. All their comments were an attempt to try and put us down, as I don't think they like being outdone. They have no kids and live in a modern, stark, city apartment. Our house is the opposite of this, so not sure if they just didnt like it. But hey a comment would have been nice.

They also always bring their own drinks. No problem there. But they always refuse to drink yours. It is as if they aren't good enough. DH went and bought some lovely white wine, but they just had a sip, then went back to their wine. There was nothing special about theirs.

My DH also bought some lovely ribeye, as they are very fussy about food and the guy is a trained chef. This trained chef is the fussiest eater i know and does not like fat in meat, so cut around the ribeye, making a dogs breakfast of it and didn't eat half of it. He knew it was good quality and said he felt bad not eating it, but it was insulting and childish I thought not to just eat it.

I get the feeling that they are most comfortable in their own home, with their wine and their food. Nothing else is ever good enough. We went to an effort and it was just chucked in our face I thought. They are never gracious and very thankful. Very very hard to please. So much to the point that despite the fact that we like them -well the guys anyway (i have never liked the wife), we just don't want to have them over again. Which would be odd, as we are friends. I would rather have people very who are more appreciative and easy going.

I also don't think they liked being upstaged at all, over anything.

Any suggestions? One thought is to always have the over with others.

[Igggi]

If you have never liked the wife, then how can you say they are friends?

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

You don't appear to like these people very much, the way you speak about them is very cold and lacking in affection, so why continue the friendship? It seems you invited them over to admire your house and they failed to perform their role. It doesn't seem like you get on very well and I would just see them around and about but not make a special effort.

[Iamblossom]

Honestly cut them loose. Life is too short. Invite people you like into your home, who would behave the way you would if you went to theirs.

[Paddingtonthebear]

Honestly can't see why you are friends with these people. They clearly don't like you!

[Pagwatch]

You don't like them. You don't like them, their manners, habits, their shit home or anything else. You don't like the wife and you think the husband is an idiot who can't cook and is a fussy eater.

What is it you are asking exactly?

[lill72]

I adore the guy, he is the one I knew first. But I have never had much affection for the wife, despite trying so hard to. She is quite controlling. Without her, I would love to see the guy on his own. This is not possible as you can appreciate. Difficult situation.

[Smilesandpiles]

Stop inviting them over. It's as simple as that.

[MadameDefarge]

well you just have to change the way you interact. Meet him by himself for a coffee or a drink.

Unless you live in Stepford, its perfectly ok to meet up with friends without their other halfs.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

Just meet for drinks out if you really want to stay in touch. The guy doesn't come over better tbh, he's fussy about food and didn't say anything nice about your house either.

Friends are supposed to make you feel better about yourself, an evening with good friends is so much fun. This wasn't fun, don't do it again!

[lill72]

I have been friends with the guy for over 10 years and we've had some amazing times. When they are great, they are great. But these times seem to be less and less, especially since we now have DD and they are childless. The girl doesn't have much affection for kids. So maybe we have less in common.

PS - Did not invite them to admire the house. But you just like your friends to share what has just been a big move for us. We made a fuss of their new place not long ago. It is just good manners to be interested in you friends lives, that is all.

[Bowlersarm]

Hm, not sure.

They may hate your house so were actually diplomatic when asking you questions about whether you liked the area etc.

They popped their head round your DD's bedroom door and you call it 'snooping'. If people were using the loo in my new house I would assume they would have a little look the first time they were there.

I would drink your wine to be polite, but I don't think it's the end of the world that they didn't.

And you don't like the woman. So maybe she doesn't do anything that would please you? I.e. maybe if she asked to have a tour if your house you'd think she was being nosy?

Anyway, it doesn't sound like you have a great friendship, so let the relationship go if that's what you want.

[MadameDefarge]

They obviously do like you, but seem rather socially awkward. No need to take it personally, if you want to continue the friendship in another manner.

[PlumpPartridge]

Next time you arrange to meet up, go out somewhere. If it's your turn to host, invent some sort of household on-going saga (blocked drains, anyone)?

They do sound rude. I'm guessing that your 'cold' post about them is influenced by the fact that you feel somewhat hurt by their behaviour. I would feel hurt too, I think.

[PlumpPartridge]

I don't think they sound like they like you much at all! The kindest explanation I can think of for not finding something nice to say about a new home is that they are a bit socially clueless. It's such a widely accepted norm, after all.

[MadameDefarge]

Friendships do change after children, especially of one set have none. I'm not sure why you expect them to have affection or interest in your kids though. Is this obligatory?

maybe you expect a different level of enthusiasm. They do interest their way, you do it another way.

And feeding a fussy eater (and clearly by extension a fussy drinker) expensive grub you pretty well know he won't manage isn't good hostessing. Its just creating anxiety for him and outrage for you. After ten years surely you know what kind of food he likes?

[cromwell44]

If you can't accept your friends foibles and still feel affection for them then what's the point of seeing them? It strikes me that there's some sort of competitiveness going on between the two couples as you seem particularly bothered about their lack of admiration for your new home. If friends are fussy eaters; either don't cook or have what you like. Stop trying to impress/please them.

[lill72]

Thanks Iamblossom - I agree. Had another friend around for lunch and she could not have been more different than these two - gracious, thankful, lovely and interested!

Thenapoleonofcrime - could not agree more. We just both felt awful about ourselves when they left!

[3littlefrogs]

I would never ask to be shown round someone's house.
It does sound as if you have very little in common with this couple so shouldn't invite them again.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

It is sad when you feel yourselves drifting apart from friends, but sometimes this is what has happened. Who knows what is going on between them, it might be very little to do with you and very much about them? I have found when we've had a bad time with friends, as we did recently when we went to visit friends for Sunday lunch and found there was no lunch and we had to pay for our own dinner out (I nearly went home at this point)- it was about them and their marriage. Perhaps having children/not having children is a sore point for them? Perhaps they are under a lot of stress and strain?

If they are normally lovely, chalk it up to experience, if they are not and are fussy and not that appreciative, limit your interactions. Friendships don't stay the same forever and a new partner does change the dynamic as does having children.

[MaidOfStars]

House: maybe they didn't like it or what you've done with it and didn't want to mutter meaningless platitudes? I can't say that I require any guest that is new to my house to comment on my decor/pictures/whatever.

Wine: I like a very specific type of white wine. It's not to do with snobbery or expense, it's just the taste of it. And so I might drink some that the host has provided but if I don't like it (and honestly, the really oaky Chardonnays or New World Sauvignon Blancs can make my gorge rise), I'm not going to pursue it when I've brought something I'd rather drink. It makes no difference how much you spent or how lovely you think the wine you bought was, if it's not to their taste, that's how it is. I tend to suggest we drink mine first anyway, then if the host has bought something I'm not keen on, I don't mind so much. And if I am hosting, I always check with guests what their preference is and failing that, buy a range of wines.

Steak: cooking for a fussy trained chef? That doesn't sound like fun to me

The two comments that stick out for me:
I don't think they like being outdone
and
I also don't think they liked being upstaged at all, over anything
What makes you think you were outdoing or upstaging them? Given that you've been fairly critical of how they live/drink/eat, it seems like you were very much trying to outdo and upstage them?

[DoJo]

I wouldn't be asked to be shown around someone's new house - I would wait for them to offer in case they haven't finished unpacking/have decorating going on/still have stuff stacked in a perilous way etc. Did you offer to give them the tour?

[Unexpected]

But the guy is not your friend any more than the woman is he? He was equally at fault for snooping, not commenting on your new home, not drinking your wine or eating your food - which you describe as "insulting and childish". So how can you say that it is just his wife you are not friends with? Honestly, it is time to call and end to this friendship, which seems to be anything but a friendship. Regardless of whether they should have commented or not on your home and whether you don't have so many things in common nowadays, friends are not meant to leave you feeling awful about ourself.

[MadameDefarge]

I agree with Maid. What is with the upstaging idea?

In what way have you upstaged them? Having children? Having a house when they have a flat?

You have known these people ten years. If you don't get them and how they are by now, then maybe time to let go, or as I suggested, just meet up with the chap somewhere neutral and enjoy his company on that basis.

If they made you feel bad, their behaviour must have been markedly different from how they usually are.

If not, then maybe it is time to let go. They are not necessarily the bad guys, but it does sound as if your expectations of interactions are quite demanding - admire my house, love my food, love my kids, drink my drink. Did you really expect anything different from them after all this time?

Just wondering how out of the ordinary their behaviour was to upset you so.

[gertiegusset]

Strangely I have never known any chef or butcher not to like fat in meat, especially steak.
They will all tell you it's what gives the meat the flavour.