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Alcohol/drugs and husband's inability to grow up ruining my marriage

(27 Posts)
Unhappy80 Mon 21-Jul-14 15:42:10

Help please.

I've been with my husband for about 5 years and married to him for 1.5 and I am ready to send divorce papers to him. We have a son who is 4 months old, so before I press send I want to know if there's anything more I can do before I accept that this is over and there's nothing more i can do. This is mainly in the interests of my son; I do not want him growing up in this heated, awful environment.

My husband's personality changes when he gets drunk. He gets annoying, very very defensive and touchy and will not listen to whatever anyone tells him. He becomes very immature and aggressive, sometimes in public and its embarrassing. The behaviour runs in the family, with his older brother and sister resorting to loud, brash (and often chavvy!) behaviour when they are drunk. He doesn't have an 'off' button. He will come home with a six pack and promptly get through these and more (up to around 12 beers if he keeps going) in one sitting, one after another. Despite it making me very unhappy, he says I am controlling him and don't allow him to have any fun. He gets drunk every weekend, both Friday and Saturday and begrudgingly promised not to drink during the week. (He will have a few beers though, without fail - he just might not get plastered.) My worry is he will pick up our child when he is steaming drunk despite my asking him not to. He insists he is sober, always when he is drunk, and will argue with everything I say or suggest. It's really worn me down over the years, to the point where I don't like to go out with him at all and I hate being near him when he's had a few drinks. He makes inappropriate comments and expects me to find things as witty and as funny as he does - it's just got so old, I'm so tired.
He won't do this every night, but perhaps once or twice a week. He can't sit still or stay in the house, so when I've been out a few hours you can see he is desperate to leave to go out and see friends and have a 'few beers.'

His brother was a heroin addict (now fully recovered), and while I was pregnant I found coke in the house. His father and mother also like a good drink and will happily down a bottle or two of wine at lunch everyday. Despite my pleas to try and cut down or curb this, even for our son's sake - more so even than our marriage! - he won't and it's very offputting and scary.
He's come home before and vomited everywhere. This happens maybe once every three months. He has a reputation.

Will he ever change or am I kidding myself? I've got him to stop smoking marijuana in the week (he still does though - he sneaks over to his mates and smokes there), and asked him not to smoke when he knows he will be playing with or picking up our baby. He boils this down to my nagging and controlling him and that I never let him have any fun.

We argue all the time regardless. I've forgotten why I even married him. When I peel back the layers of resentment, hatred and all this stuff that's built up - it was because he has a big heart. He begs for forgiveness and manages to stay on the straight and narrow for maybe three weeks to a month max. Then he will go and undo it by having a massive night out. It's almost like he just can't grow up and he wants his 'old' life still (the one without our son.)

I don't have any family here (I'm foreign), and battle with his for the same reasons. Now that we have a son I have to consider him. I am so unhappy and not sure how to end this awful cycle or make him see the light.
Divorce just seems inevitable.

Any advice on how to proceed with divorce, what I need to consider, and what I'd need to do for child maintenance for my son please let me know - I have nowhere to start. I also can't lean on anybody for this, as it will only worry my family sick who live more than 10 000 miles away, although I imagine my mother suspects all is not right. Do I stay here or go back to my home country?
I want the best for my son - so I want to ensure that if he wants to see his father, he can. (When he is sober!).
I am weary of telling any friends, as I fear I will be judged.

Any advice would be great.

BookieTubules Mon 21-Jul-14 15:46:12

He won't change. Any friends you have won't judge you for leaving - anyone who does is not a true friend. I think they'd judge you more if you told them this and then stayed!

Press send. Whatever practical difficulties lie ahead, it's better than what you described.

WeirdCatLady Mon 21-Jul-14 15:46:28

My advice would be to get this moved to Relationships, AIBU is often a little brusque.

redexpat Mon 21-Jul-14 15:49:35

You are doing the right thing by putting your sons interests first. I think your friends will be more supportive than you realise. We cant tell you if it would be best to go back to your home counytry - only you canmake that call. I would suggest a trip to CAB for advice and also try contacting womens aid. Im sure other more eloquent mners will be along shortly.

Unhappy80 Mon 21-Jul-14 15:51:25

Thanks WierdCatLady, how do I move this thread across?

heraldgerald Mon 21-Jul-14 15:52:56

As cat lady says. Also, I think adjusting to parenthood is incredibly hard, for both parents. But it sounds like be has an alcohol problem he can't admit to. So sorry you are in this situation.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Mon 21-Jul-14 16:01:24

You could be describing my XH. I stayed for years, convinced I could somehow work a miracle and change him, but never did. Eventually hit hit my son - not just a smack, but a punch, and knocked him across the kitchen to collide with the wall. PFB was 7 sad XH was out of the house within the hour - I was very llucky in that he was a small man, I'm a big person, and I was so incensed that I actually managed to put him out and lock all the doors before phoning for help.
Somehow it took the sight of that happening to one of my children to make me finally actually see what was under my nose all along...

daphnehoneybutt Mon 21-Jul-14 16:07:48

OP you need to report your own thread and ask to have it moved to relationships.

Sorry you are having a shitty time. I don't think you can do any more here.

Callani Mon 21-Jul-14 17:09:39

YANBU at all - to me it looks like divorce is your only option here.

The problem isn't just that your husband has a drink and drugs problem, it's that he refuses to acknowledge it and shifts all the blame for his behaviour on to you.

Family of addicts get told to remember the three C's: I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It.

There is nothing you can do unless he wants to do it for himself and he clearly doesn't think there's a problem to fix.

It's good that you're leaving now before this can have more of an impact on your son - remember that if you have doubts about what you're doing.

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 21-Jul-14 17:11:57

Having a baby often crystallises things. Sounds like you're ready to move on OP.

comedycentral Mon 21-Jul-14 19:46:18

He sounds like an awful man child. I doubt you will have happiness with him. I don't really understand how he has a big heart?

Moodymmai Thu 24-Jul-14 07:55:43

I do sympathise with you & think his behaviour will only get worse if you put up with it.

MagratsHair Thu 24-Jul-14 08:10:13

My ex was an alcoholic with a cocaine addiction. Its hard because whilst your husband is also an alcoholic it means that neither you or your child will come first to him.

Sorry OP but my way out was divorcing him. Its probably worth noting that since I did, he has gone clean from all addictions except smoking & is 100% a better dad than he was when we were married.

Get prepared before you do anything, go to the CAB or a solicitor if you can afford it & work out his share of the maintenance & how your joint assets will be allocated (whether you get to stay in the family home for example & he moves out). Once you know what will happen, broadly, its easier to do as its not an unknown iykwim. CAB will also check if you can claim any benefits or apply for housing benefit.

Its a total fallacy that staying together for the kids is better for them, in your situation I'd agree that your son will not benefit from this environment & would be better with a calmer home life. It will also be easier for you as his behaviour is a drain & a PITA at the moment & you can do without it. Its daunting to think about leaving but its actually easier than you think once you start brew

Oh also open a bank account, keep it secret & paperfree so nothing about it goes to your home & start siphoning money into it, when you go its helpful to have savings of your own.

deakymom Thu 24-Jul-14 08:13:40

open a bank account have the child benefit/tax credits/your wages paid in there if he notices say they are recalculating that takes forever

go see a solicitor see what your rights are get residency sorted dont assume just because he is a drunk drug addict he cant take and keep your child he can he is the dad sad

fluffyraggies Thu 24-Jul-14 08:17:58

Just noticed the opening post was on Monday -

Are you ok OP? Did you send the papers?

LornaGoon Thu 24-Jul-14 08:22:27

Until he feels that he's got a reason to stop drinking, he wont. At the moment he makes you some empty promises about cutting back, he might even partially believe it himself, but he'll always slip back to old habits. And he'll continue to do so with a whole string of justifications ('everyone drinks', 'it's my time to relax', 'you're just spoiling my fun', 'I work hard, I deserve this'....) until extremely poor health prevents him drinking anymore. Personally I don't know of any heavy drinker who stopped even when their family was falling apart under their nose.

So if the love is gone between you, and he wont seek help through traditional methods (doctor, AA etc) and maybe stop seeing his family/ friends (who possibly support and justify his behavior?), then leave. A divorce might not be what you'd hoped for, but it sounds better than what you're living in now.

PleaseJustShootMeNow Thu 24-Jul-14 08:26:59

I was in a similar situation with my first husband. I invested so much time and emotional energy in trying to fix him. But you can't fix people like this because deep down inside they don't want to be fixed (no matter how much they say they do in order to keep you there.) In the end my eyes were opened by a drug and alcohol adviser who told me not to try and control or change his behaviour, which is futile. I can only change how I respond to it.

Sandthorn Thu 24-Jul-14 08:29:47

I think the point is that he hasn't changed. You've given him plenty of notice that his behaviour is unbearable. I'm afraid divorce is your best chance of a happy life for you and your son, and for your son to have a relationship with his father that isn't tainted by seeing his dad pissed or off his head every bloody week.

I know that's so easy for someone else to say, but it sounds like you've got there yourself, and just need some reassurance that you're making the right decision. You are. Your true friends won't see it as a negative. You should be proud to make your son's emotional security top priority.

Montegomongoose Thu 24-Jul-14 08:33:22

Leave. He loves booze more than you and your DS.

It might change, but it certainly won't be because you tried to make it.

Concentrate on giving your child everything his father cannot, emotionally and practically.

Trust me, he will not thank you for staying with this man.

From your post, it seems his family are normalise addictive behaviour and his parents drink heavily.

Take yourself far away from this mess.

PleaseJustShootMeNow Thu 24-Jul-14 08:33:49

Also if it's any consolation, it's an agonising decision to make. You're so conditioned to this behaviour that you lose sight of what is normal. But once you've made the break it's like a physical weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

sashh Thu 24-Jul-14 10:53:27

A lot of women who are in violent relationships describe what you do with one difference and that is that their partner becomes violent when drunk.

He isn't hitting you but he is doing all the other manipulative things, saying he is sorry and asking for forgiveness, making it you that is the problem.

I don't think he will change, why should he?

I also agree with getting this moved to relationships

EarthWindFire Thu 24-Jul-14 11:10:01

I am sorry you are in this situation.

We cant tell you if it would be best to go back to your home counytry - only you canmake that call.

Unfortunately it really isn't that simple. You would need the child's fathers permission. If he won't it will have to go to court and I'm afraid that it is then rarely granted.

You really need some independent legal advice.

tiggerkid Thu 24-Jul-14 11:39:23

Alcohol like drugs is an addiction, which you won't be able to fix unless he recognises there is a problem, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

I would attempt to make my feelings very clear, i.e. make it known in no uncertain terms that you are at the point of leaving if no serious change happens, and if it doesn't work, then sometimes going separate ways is the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. The worst thing is to waste your entire life trying to fix someone else's, who doesn't even think that there is anything wrong.

If leaving is the only way out, then do it while you still have some life ahead of you and can meet someone else, who may make you and your child happy. Otherwise, you can wake up one day, find that you are 75 years old, look back at your life and realise you wasted all your best years on some drunk and there will be little left then.

Best of luck. I hope you come to the solution that's best for you.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Fri 25-Jul-14 00:14:54

OP, please come back and tell us how things are going - or just post so we know you're hanging in there and plodding on...

PhaedraIsMyName Fri 25-Jul-14 01:19:11

It's almost like he just can't grow up and he wants his 'old' life still (the one without our son.

But the behaviour you're describing isn't the norm for the vast majority of young people either. He's an alcoholic and a nasty one at that. Can you go back to your family? You can't stay where you are. It'll destroy you and your son.

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