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DP doesn't want me to go back to W after maternity leave. Is he U?

(96 Posts)
Squidstirfry Mon 21-Jul-14 08:56:19

I am filling out my maternity leave forms at the moment with my return dates / handover plan etc. I brought the subject up with DP yesterday, (not out of the blue, but the first time properly talking about it) and he said very strongly that he thinks I should not return, and tell them this.
My job is half-days Mon-Fri so I leave around 06:40am returning 14:00pm. It pays OK but isn't a 'career' job.

DP works from home, his schedule means he has to go out every Weds and Friday (various times) to see clients.

The real issue is that I have debts. A set amount comes out of my bank every month and will do for the next 5 years.

Maternity pay only goes on for 8 months, and so after then I will need money coming in. DP thinks that leaving an 8MO every day is not right, and also if I am working every day he won't be able to leave the house or do anything. I just don't know where he thinks the money is going to come from!

We researched benefits together yesterday and he is trying to encourage me to claim something instead of working, but the amount you get, considering my outgoings leaves next to nothing.

We rarely disagree about anything, and this needs to be a joint decision, but I feel completely stuck. I always saw my returning to work as an inevitable, but now it looks like he will resent this.

Namechangearoonie123 Mon 21-Jul-14 09:01:52

Who's going to be looking after the 8 month old?

Have you factored in child care?

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 21-Jul-14 09:05:28

Well if he thinks an 8mo can't possibly be "left" there's always the option for him to be SAHD or reduce his hours isn't there?

He's being daft. If you can't afford to give up work then there isn't a choice is there? Pretending there is isn't very sensible.

When I had my children, I couldn't afford to not work as we had a big mortgage than needed two incomes. There were times when I resented this and the fact that after working all week we were only a couple of hundred pounds better off after paying childcare. But that couple of hundred pounds kept us in our house. When our financial situation got a bit better I could work part time. Last year I got a major promotion and am now the main breadwinner whereas many of my friends who had babies at the same time are struggling to get back into work at all, let alone into "career" jobs. I'm so thankful now I stayed in work.

In the short term, you can't afford to not work.
In the long term, you might both be very glad you've stayed in work.

Worry from debts is awful. It's terrifying. I would take any measures necessary to ensure I could still meet my debt repayments as I wouldn't be able to sleep at night otherwise and that situation isn't good for anyone.

thecageisfull Mon 21-Jul-14 09:05:30

He is BU, but if you are suggesting that he work from home and looks after a 8 month old (not sure if you are but I don't understand the 'he won't be able to leave the house or do anything' comment) then you are both BU.

It might not be a 'career' job but it's your job, and your income and it can be really hard to get back into the job market after any sort of break. Would he be willing to give up his job instead (suspect he will say no because he earns more, therefore impractical, but if he earned the same then would he do it?)

Thenapoleonofcrime Mon 21-Jul-14 09:05:35

Sorry- I'm not getting this, is he your boss or something? His arguments sound suspiciously like 'my life will be better if you don't work', not anything about you, your preferences, your joint responsibility for childcare. Now you know- he thinks his job is more important than yours, and that you have to do what is best for the family, whereas he does what is best for his career. If he truly wanted your baby to have home childcare, can't he adapt his hours and do some?

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 21-Jul-14 09:07:46

And what about what you want? Do you want to work? Can you afford childcare?

It should be a joint decision. So he won't be able to just go out now, well that's life with a baby for you.

Are you expecting him to work from home and look after the baby?

Staryyeyedsurprise Mon 21-Jul-14 09:08:18

Although OP, I've just re-read your post. ARe you planning for DP to look after the baby while he works from home? If so I can see his point a bit - he still needs to earn an income too and it really wopuldn't be fair to the baby to be plonked in a bouncer for hours while dad is on business calls etc (if that's what the situation would be?).

MangoBiscuit Mon 21-Jul-14 09:08:24

If you want to return to work, then although I fully advocate having a discussion about it, ultimately the decision is yours. If he doesn't want your child to go into childcare at all, then he'll have to change his hours, or drop some hours, to help facilitate this. What exactly will he feel resentful of? Does your going back to work force him to stay home? Does it force him into having to do or not do something? hmm

ElizabethMedora Mon 21-Jul-14 09:08:37

Are you imagining him looking after baby while working at home?

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Mon 21-Jul-14 09:09:16

So are you expecting him to look after a baby whilst he is working? I can't see how that would work.

Of course, if you want to work then you should be able to. But that might mean taking your DC to nursery. Would it still be worth it financially in that case?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 09:14:26

If this is a "joint" decision then why aren't your finances joint ?

littleducks Mon 21-Jul-14 09:16:57

I have a 9 month old. There is no way I could stay at home and work at the same time. He crawls and climbs and needs near constant close supervision.

With appropriate childcare you should both be able to work

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Mon 21-Jul-14 09:18:02

What date were you planning on putting down? If you are in the uk, I think the "default" assumption is that you will take the full year off and you need to give 8 weeks notice of any change to that. You do not need to decide now if you are going back or not.

If you are paid any kind of enhanced maternity pay, you might have to repay it if you don't go back.

I would keep your options open for now regarding the forms as it costs you nothing to do so.

amyhamster Mon 21-Jul-14 09:20:17

He doesn't want to help with the baby
You need to sort out childcare & go back to work
He'll have to step up & take his child to childcare

ilovelamp82 Mon 21-Jul-14 09:20:23

If he feels so strongly about it, why doesn't he become a sahd?

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Mon 21-Jul-14 09:23:43

Sorry, that wasn't clear. Whatever return date you specify, if you want to change it, you need to give 8 weeks notice. If you don't specify one at all, I think the employer assumes you will take 12 months.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 21-Jul-14 09:25:20

Does he want you to give up work because it's convenient for him? Why doesn't he change his hours then if he doesn't want an 8 month old left everyday. Why is it down to you only? You may end up resenting him.

Squidstirfry Mon 21-Jul-14 09:26:06

Hello, yes we had discussed childcare while he is working from home, for a few hours in the middle of the day before I come back, as this is affordable and practical. A while ago he seemed OK to consider it but yesterday it was absoutely not an option "having a strange person in the house". I do see his point...

I was sort of hoping he would be OK looking after our baby while I was out, seeing as he is in for most of the day, and the he could focus on his work after I got back. I suppose it's me being U isn't it.

ApocalypseThen Mon 21-Jul-14 09:28:11

Has he explained how he will provide for you and the child if you give up your job? What is he going to provide if you separate? Will he repay your debts?

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 09:28:39

What about a childminder in their own home ?

And the money for that should come from both of you

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Mon 21-Jul-14 09:28:43

It's not you being unreasonable but you do need to make a joint plan.

Have you identified childcare that will cover a few hours I. Your house? Most nannies will be looking for full days, I would have though.

HecatePropylaea Mon 21-Jul-14 09:28:43

Is it affordable for you as a family?

How will the finances work if you do this?

Do you have equal access to all money?

Will you feel or will he act as though you are dependent on him?

Will he clear the debts that you currently pay each month?

Does he see money as family money?

What amount will go into your account each month?

Is he likely to lord it over you or hold it over you that He Pays The Bills?

Will you become household skivvy?

Do you WANT to stop working?

There's just so much for the two of you to think about and talk about. Really get into your attitudes towards finances.

Squidstirfry Mon 21-Jul-14 09:29:11

Hi BillnTed I had said 8 months because that is when the money stops. Maternity pay doesn't go up for a whole year. We are talking about it now, but yes you have a point we don't need to actually decide right now. I just need an income after this time to cover the debt re-payments.

AnyFucker Mon 21-Jul-14 09:30:31

Are your finances joint ? The way you are talking it looks like the debts are all yours (should they be?) and the financial responsibility for child care is yours (it definitely shouldn't be)

museumum Mon 21-Jul-14 09:41:29

On days he's entirely at home he could shift his day to 2pm till 10pm and you get a childminder till you get home for the days he's out?
There are loads of ways to work this, I don't know what your job is but the hours are good for school etc so it seems like it might be worth keeping if that's what you want.

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