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Are DH and I BU or is DM? Overseas visitors.

(80 Posts)
ElphabaTheGreen Sat 19-Jul-14 22:09:08

A bit of background so there's no drip feeding - I live with DH and 2.2yo DS in a house. My DM lives in a nice compact little annexe in our back garden as she has very impaired mobility and is better off nearby in case of falls and needing a daily hand with jobs she can't manage. This is a set-up we've had for years and it works fine. I am booked to give birth to DS2 by ELCS in two weeks time (beginning of August).

We are expecting a few visitors from OS (two from Australia, one from the US) in the next few months:
- my 'dad', DM's ExH who is biologically not my dad but has always been nicer to me than the twat who I share genetics with. He's nice, I'm very pleased that he wants to meet my DCs, since their biological grandfather couldn't give a shit, but we've never lived together and we're really not that close
- my cousin who's 20 years older than me and I've met twice, is talking about coming to visit in September/October. Again, she's nice, but she's really close to DM (her aunt), not me.
- A friend of DM's who is again nice, but I'm not at all close to. I last saw her briefly (like for about 10 minutes) about 12 years ago.

DH and I are completely in agreement that we will not put any of them up in our house when they visit as we will be adjusting to coping with a toddler and a newborn, and have made this clear to DM. My dad particularly is planning on being around in time to see DS2 born, and I really don't want to be coping with post-partum hormones and leaking in front of him. We're pretty sure no visitor would particularly want to have to put up with any of that either, and dad has already said he doesn't expect us to put him up. DM does not have the room to have them in her annexe, but she's fixated on the fact that we have a spare bedroom and is incensed that we won't accommodate any of them. I get a snidey comment about it Every. Bloody. Day. She keeps telling me about all her friends who totally agree with her and would always put themselves out, no matter how much, to allow guests to stay. We have given her the contact details of a Wetherspoon's hotel less than 200m from our house that costs less than £100 per night to pass on to them but all she'll do is go on about how we let my best friend (who is more like a DSis to me as we're both only children) and her toddler stay when DS was four months old, but won't let family, who I'm likely to inherit from, and an old friend of hers stay. DM cannot contribute to any catering for visitors, nor can DH as he can't cook, so it would be all my responsibility on top of newborn and 2 yo, and all chauffeuring and out-of-home entertainment would be down to me/DH as DM is basically house-bound. Mainly me probably, as DH won't have any AL left to take, not that I'll be allowed to drive for 6 weeks.

Who is BU here - DM or us?

Nanny0gg Sat 19-Jul-14 22:11:50

Your mother.

Tell her the decision is made and there will be no further discussion.

DikTrom Sat 19-Jul-14 22:12:09

Your DM is BU. It is special time for you and your new baby. It is your house. You decide who you want around you. Maybe a pity for your DM but this is YOUR time.

PicandMinx Sat 19-Jul-14 22:16:16

DM. Definitely DM. You have got enough on your plate. I'm surprised you are even contemplating entertaining them at all! Tell DM if she doesn't shut up, you will take her to the cheapest care home you can find and a nice young lady to rent the annexe grin.

sonjadog Sat 19-Jul-14 22:16:24

Your mother is being unreasonable. Keep saying no.

MrsSpencerReid Sat 19-Jul-14 22:16:34

Yanbu, my mum came to stay after I had ds2, partner was back at work and with toddler ds and after a section really needed her help, I still wanted to murder her daily!! So visitors that I didn't know very well/people I wouldn't want to be topless in front of (I assume your dad comes into this category) no way! Stand your ground and good luck smile

MrsSpencerReid Sat 19-Jul-14 22:17:14

Granny annex to nanny annex?! wink

Worriedkat Sat 19-Jul-14 22:20:21

I think you probably need to contact these guests yourself to ensure they are fully aware of the hotel details and that you are not in a position to put anyone up.

Your mothers world has shrunk considerably and as a result she sounds fixated on irrational things. Can you tell her that the answer is no, no discussion, you will not be hosting guests. Give her two choices (as you would a toddler), either guests in hotel, or no guests until baby turns 1. Her choice. End of.

NoodleOodle Sat 19-Jul-14 22:20:56


Your DM cannot insist that people stay in your house. And, if you needed a reason, which you don't, having a toddler and newborn to look after with DH at work, is a strong reason for not having house guests, particularly house guests that you are not dear close friend of yours.

If inheriting from people is dependent on you hosting them first then in a way it's not an inheritance, it's a delayed payment for being B&B hosts.

ElphabaTheGreen Sat 19-Jul-14 22:23:07

<chortle> MrsSpencer That sounds nice. Sell DM to the highest bidder and put up a Norlander to help me with DS1 and 2? wink

DH and I have 'ended the discussion' with her that many times I'm thinking of resorting to sticking my fingers in my ears and going 'LA LA LA!' every time she starts up again.

She's going to shit when I tell her we've agreed to put up a friend from out of town for one night BEFORE DS2 arrives, on the proviso that we'll be withdrawing the offer if I unexpectedly give birth before then. It's going to start all over a-bloody-gain...confused

scarffiend Sat 19-Jul-14 22:29:49

Your DM is BU, not you. We had my MIL to stay the week after I had DD (planned c-section) & she was worse than useless, will never do it again. And she's family. No way should you be expected to put up anyone in the immediate aftermath of birth.

(Still picture MIL coming in to the nursery while I was feeding DD, gazing at her attached to my breast and sighing 'beautiful'. So awkward)

ElphabaTheGreen Sat 19-Jul-14 22:30:52

Worriedkat You've hit the nail on the head about her world having shrunk such that she gets fixated on irrational things. That could apply to many other things, and she's always had a tendency to get fixations even when she was still physically more independent.

I'm glad I'm NBU. She was starting to make me question my own decency and hospitality.

And the 'inheritance' thing is her obsession argument. I have never heard directly from dad or from my cousin that I'm first in line when their wills are read out.

BrianButterfield Sat 19-Jul-14 22:32:39

Do they even want to stay at your house? I'd hate to stay with someone with a newborn,feeling like I was making work for them and hearing a baby cry all night

ElphabaTheGreen Sat 19-Jul-14 22:36:20

DH and I have pointed that out 50 or more times, Brian. It doesn't seem to register.

Laundryangel Sat 19-Jul-14 22:41:09

Would it help if you told her you & the new baby will be cot sleeping so, for safety, DH will sleep in the spare room for at least the first couple of months.
Does she have a studio or a separate bedroom & sitting room? If the latter, could you offer an inflatable mattress & see if she changes her tune when it is her space being invaded? Of course, you then have a problem if she accepts this solution!

UterusUterusGhali Sat 19-Jul-14 22:41:53

Tell her they'll stay in the annex and she'll have to stay in wetherspoons.

AdoraBell Sat 19-Jul-14 22:44:59

Your DM is BU. And so are her friends.

Stick to your guns.

trockodile Sat 19-Jul-14 22:47:14

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable and it is entirely up to you who stays with you. Just a thought though, IF you generally get on with your mother and are fairly at ease with her, could she stay with you for a day or two and let the visitors use her annexe? Either way don't feel you have to cater for, chauffeur or otherwise put yourself out more than you feel capable of.
Congratulations and good luck with the birth, hope everything goes smoothly!

ElphabaTheGreen Sat 19-Jul-14 22:47:15

Laundry I've told her a million times that I want to keep the spare bedroom free for just such an occurrence, or if co-sleeping is required with either DS1 (if his sleep gets disrupted by DS2) or if DS2 is the same boob-monster his big brother was. And no, she has no spare room at all. One bedroom, disabled bathroom, tiny hallway, kitchenette, very small living room. No room at all for an air mattress, and I'd still get stuck with all the cooking and entertaining.

Uterus You're a GENIUS grin

Ceadagam Sat 19-Jul-14 22:47:31

You're not been unreasonable but I wonder if it's possible to reach a compromise? Would it work in any way for your DM to stay with you and let the visitors have her home. If it won't work it might be worth while running it by your DM, knowing she'll refuse but putting the onus back on her.

andsmile Sat 19-Jul-14 22:50:54

I didnt have anyone visit for 3 weeks after my ELCS. I knew from first tiem round I need a cleaner, stocked freezer and a laundry service.

DH had his 2 weeks PL, I had one week to get used to being on my own and do school run again, get used to walking with oran

THEN after at 3 weeks my DM cam to stay as she is the same as yours, poor mobility etc. SHe even nodded off when she had my DD on her. I couldnt leave DD with her, she didnt help because she was not able. If she had been able I would have had her visit sooner.

So No YANBU but your DM i BU over not respecting your wishes to have this space - aside from anythig else its special time for bonding for the parents.

But I totally get some people like the visitors - each to their own. It is what suits the new parents and baby.

ElphabaTheGreen Sat 19-Jul-14 22:51:20

trockodile That's a nice idea, but her house is very minutely set up to her needs and we'd need to do things like move over her electric profiling bed and she'd need to negotiate our very high back step (which completely freaks her out) to get to her disabled shower every day. She'd also be unable to get her own meals, giving me more work, as her own kitchen is all set up to enable her to do I'd kill her if we were under the same roof. And DH would help. Then we'd go to prison and no one would have anywhere to stay.

Worriedkat Sat 19-Jul-14 22:54:12

Does she respect doctors at all? A lot of the older generation think they're gods and speak liquid gold. Could you say "my doctor has told me in no uncertain terms, no house guests after major surgery, it's equivalent to open heart surgery you know mum, doctors orders".

A lot of repetition is sometimes inevitable with the oldies though, frustrating though it is.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sat 19-Jul-14 22:55:23

If you have a C-section won't you be fairly bed bound?

Perhaps you should go and lock yourself in the annex. Sounds cozy.

joanofarchitrave Sat 19-Jul-14 22:57:59

It can be difficult with older people whose thinking is not as flexible as it once was. I think she deserves a little straight talk, i.e. something like, 'Mum, you do realise that you have talked to us about this a few times a week for weeks now? We have made our decision and we are not going to change our minds, why are we still talking about this?'

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