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To wonder if a sahm should do everything?

(262 Posts)
EleanorHandbasket Sat 19-Jul-14 14:04:28

Interesting (!) conversation last night where I was talking to friends of ours who all also know another couple we know and were asking after them.

I said that the wife of the pair was struggling somewhat as her husband is a lazy fucker does literally nothing around the house. He doesn't wash up after dinner or iron his own shirts or clean the loo or anything. He does do DIY stuff though, just not any cleaning.

Anyway, general consensus among the group, other than me, was that as she doesn't work at all and her child is school age, her job is to do all the housework and her dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Even dh piped up in agreement. I was pretty horrified tbh.

All of us in this group are ft working parents who split chores evenly. I have to admit I was pretty shocked that they all agreed that a sahm of a school aged child has to clean up after her husband has had a shit, but there you go.

For balance, they did all say that if the genders were switched the se would apply, so not necessarily a sexist attitude.


sonlypuppyfat Sat 19-Jul-14 14:07:45

I'm a SAHM and I do everything that's my job. My DH goes to work and he brings the money in. I don't expect him to come home and start again.

noblegiraffe Sat 19-Jul-14 14:11:57

Any housework that can be done during the day should be done during the day by the sahm partner. What else are they going to be doing?

Weekend stuff should be evenly split, so the working partner might make lunch or dinner or whatever at the weekend.

Not sure about evening stuff. Depends on how exhausting the ft work is. If I had spent a long day slogging my guts out and got home and was expected to then wash up while a partner who had spent the day doing some ironing in front of the TV slobbed out on the sofa, I'd be a bit pissed off.

scottishmummy Sat 19-Jul-14 14:12:04

So housewife doesn't work,kids at school.her dp works?of course she does domestic chores
She's doing faff all else,accommodation,food,utilities paid by dh.yes she should snap to it
Give folk on mn consider housewife a job,she should get on with it if it is job

dimsum123 Sat 19-Jul-14 14:12:05

What about weekends? Does the DH do his bit then? I'm a SAHM and do everything during the week (although have a cleaner 4 hours a week).

I was also doing everything at weekends too until I complained. DH now does the washing up at the weekend and sometimes dinner on Friday.

lanbro Sat 19-Jul-14 14:12:48

I'm a SAHM and I do everything, although I make a rule not to do housework in the evenings. So we both work hard through the day and relax in the evenings, and my dc are both under 2!

bragmatic Sat 19-Jul-14 14:13:55

I don't iron. Ever. Certainly not his shirts.

I do most other stuff. BUT, he doesn't leave shit on the bowl for me to scrub off, he puts his dirty plates in the dishwasher, he puts his dirty clothes in the wash, he doesn't leave a trail of destruction in his wake. He sweeps the floor and tidies now and then.

In short, he is considerate and doesn't treat me like the hired help.

sonlypuppyfat Sat 19-Jul-14 14:13:57

Dimsum why do have a cleaner?

lanbro Sat 19-Jul-14 14:14:02

And my dh works 6/7 days a week

Pagwatch Sat 19-Jul-14 14:15:07


I think that's a crock of shite and a terrible thing to model for a child.
I do most stuff (well I used too) but DH would never expect me to effectively work 24/7 while he worked 9 to 5 - especially when the children were very small.
It's not much of a partnership really is it?

beccajoh Sat 19-Jul-14 14:15:17

I'm a SAHM and the hours that DH is at work I do whatever I can, but when he's home everything is shared.

bragmatic Sat 19-Jul-14 14:16:09

I have a cleaner, too, puppyfat. I have one because I want one.

Preciousbane Sat 19-Jul-14 14:16:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stropzilla Sat 19-Jul-14 14:16:23

I don't think YABU. My house is a tip and I am miserable. I cannot keep on top of things here. DH can't seem to find the rubbish or laundry bins ever, and if he finishes a bottle of something it gets put back where he found it rather than put in the bin. If he takes clothes off it's on the floor (including socks in the living room) and it's my job to tidy up after him. When I asked him not to make my life harder than it has to be and he could at least tidy up after himself, he told me it's not a sexist thing, it's the job of the stay at home parent.

I'm now depressed and demotivated to do anything and feel like a slave, feel devalued and unloved and DH has told me I'm wrong for feeling that way. No, I don't think you're wrong, I think people still need to take personal responsibility for things.

bronya Sat 19-Jul-14 14:17:02

I'm at home with a toddler (which is actually harder work than my job was, just nicer!). I do as much cleaning/washing etc as I can during the day, and we split it at weekends. If I had 9.30-3pm free, I wouldn't expect DH to do anything in the evening, as I'd have time to do it during the day. I would expect him to put his crockery in the dishwasher, his clothes in the laundry basket, make his own drinks/lunch etc, just like anyone else though!

EleanorHandbasket Sat 19-Jul-14 14:17:07

She was ill with a cold the other week but still needed to iron his shirts because he can't (won't) do his own. I found that a bit rage inducing.

I was a sahm briefly and dh still washed up after dinner. His job was 9-5, why would mine be round the clock?

Joysmum Sat 19-Jul-14 14:17:20

I'm a SAHM.

It's all about balance. Hours worked and intensity of work should be considered.

In our case, my DH worked much longer hours than those needed to maintain the home and for childcare. In our case it was only fair that I did it all.

Now, I'm studying full time and the same thing applied. We look at time and intensity of work. As it stands my study is on equal footing in terms of stress and time do we share home duties equally.

sonlypuppyfat Sat 19-Jul-14 14:17:23

I wasn't having a go, I just wondered.

scottishmummy Sat 19-Jul-14 14:17:59

The housewife set up is patriarchial,that's already being modelled to your kids

PhaedraIsMyName Sat 19-Jul-14 14:18:22

Yes. If child is at school looking after the home is her job. What is she doing all day?

EleanorHandbasket Sat 19-Jul-14 14:18:47

X post with Paggy re round the clock v 9-5.

ElizabethMedora Sat 19-Jul-14 14:19:59

Yes, I think the SAHP of school age children should do everything, tbh. At least, that would be the arrangement in my household.

In my case we still have kids at home, but the SAHP or the parent with the more time at home picks up more of the burden. When I am a SAHM & DH is at work from 8am-10pm I feel like it's only fair if I am working then too, iyswim.

EleanorHandbasket Sat 19-Jul-14 14:20:15

She doesn't mind looking after the home, she has very high housework standards and the reason she doesn't work is because she doesny see how she would be able to and keep the house nice (a whole other conversation).

But it's the stuff in the evenings that I think should be shared.

PhaedraIsMyName Sat 19-Jul-14 14:20:52

I'm a SAHM and I do everything, although I make a rule not to do housework in the evenings. So we both work hard through the day and relax in the evenings, and my dc are both under 2

That's perfectly fair.

scottishmummy Sat 19-Jul-14 14:21:06

Housewife isn't putting in a rigorous day,calls,emails,deadlines.theyre at home,own pace
It's not comparable to employment and isn't a like for like on hourly basis

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