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to not want my/my DC life to be put on hold for every DSC contact?

(175 Posts)
PupInBoots Thu 17-Jul-14 22:27:41

DH and I have an almost 2 yo and he has 6 yo twin girls. Currently we have them eow from Saturday morning until Sunday evening but from next weekend, we're having them from Friday at 6.30 instead. I'm all for extra contact and have supported DH in going for it (it's court ordered) but he expects that everything stops and changes on DSC weekend with us.

DSC live an hour away and the court order states it's too late to travel back to ours as they're usually in bed at 7 so they must stay with DH at his sisters house who lives 15 mins from them on the Friday night. DH expects that our DD will miss her nap that lunchtime and instead sleep in the car from 5.30-6.30 as she doesn't travel well awake. Obviously then DSC will still be in bed by 8 at the latest but DD would be up until at least 10/11 with such a late nap. DSC then wake at 5 am and are very noisy, so potentially DD would only get 6/7 hrs sleep. DH will then be busy with DSC so rightly grumpy and tired DD will be left for me to deal with.

DH then expects that jobs like washing, washing up and even cooking just get put off while DSC are here and that we eat out but the complete change in routine really throws DD who just wants to eat at home and play rather than be dragged along wherever the older girls want to go - I.e. They love swimming but our pool is freezing so after ten mins I have to spend the rest of the time distracting DD who really doesn't enjoy it.

I've said to DH that the Friday evening would be ideal for him to spend some time alone with his DC, likewise activities like swimming, but he insists that we're a family and so need to all make sacrifices to be with one another. AIBU to say no to this because it's DD and I making all the sacrifices and it's not fair on DD?

affinia Thu 17-Jul-14 22:36:36

I think I agree with you DH on this one. You ARE a family and families have to make sacrifices all the time. Your DD is a DC3, not a PFB, as is mine. The DSs have loads of activities which screw with her schedule. She is kept up too late for swimming galas, has horrible long journeys to and from football matches, hangs around some pretty dull (for her) places and has noisy boys clattering through her house when she tries to get to sleep.

Would you feel the same if you were the twins natural parents?

affinia Thu 17-Jul-14 22:38:57

Its also not really possible to put a 2 year old's life on hold!

peppapigonaloop Thu 17-Jul-14 22:40:34

so you are all going to stay at his sisters house eow? that seems bizarre.. and while I agree you are all a family I don't see how you dragging a 2 year old to stay elsewhere every other week is beneficial for her or them? or have I misunderstood?

HumphreyCobbler Thu 17-Jul-14 22:41:49

I think the nap thing is madness, I would not have an arrangement where I would have a two year old up till all hours.

I think if the OP was the parent of all the children no one would think it strange for two parents to split up and do things differently.

SoonToBeSix Thu 17-Jul-14 22:42:10

Yes yabu your dd is almost two and all three child are just as important .

Kahlua4me Thu 17-Jul-14 22:42:53

Do you stay at his sisters all weekend? If you come home on the Saturday, I think it would work well if he stayed alone with them on the Friday and then you have a family weekend from the Saturday.

That way your dd is not put off her sleep routine and they get some time alone with your dh doing things they want that are right for their age.

Chasingsquirrels Thu 17-Jul-14 22:42:54

I don't get at all why you and the little one would go with dh on the fri evening to get the older ones.
He goes, had fri evening with them. They get up early and he makes the journey back sat morning to be home as you are getting up.

Ronmione Thu 17-Jul-14 22:43:04

DH then expects that jobs like washing, washing up and even cooking just get put off while DSC are here

Hmmm along as when they have gone home he's does his fair share to catch up.

In regards to swimming, could you not all compromise and all go to a pool that has a baby pool aswell. - suits all the family.

HumphreyCobbler Thu 17-Jul-14 22:43:08

of course they are all important, but why should that mean the two year old has to do everything at the same time? That is not what happens in non blended families.

cestlavielife Thu 17-Jul-14 22:44:44

The disc need a later bedtime so they wake up at seven not five ...
Some times your dc will have to tag along. But also you could do thighs separately.

IMurderedStampyLongnose Thu 17-Jul-14 22:45:05

YANBU,no way would I have my 2 year old doing that crazy Friday routine.tell him to go on his own and come back down home on the Saturday.Crazy to do anything else .

affinia Thu 17-Jul-14 22:46:10

But its not all about the 2 year old who gets 100% of her time with both of her parents. Its about the 6 year olds.

I don't really understand the plans. Its a bizarre form of contact if the twins are actually in bed the moment you pick up. If its only one night why don't you and your DD stay at home and he brings the girls first thing in the morning? Am sure there's something logical I'm missing!!

The 6 year olds won't be going to bed at 7 for that much longer and your DH will probably be able to apply for a change to bring them back Friday night.

PupInBoots Thu 17-Jul-14 22:46:12

But there's no need for DD to be dragged around because there is one parent free to cater to her while the other can cater to the others, just as would happen if the twins were mine. I wouldn't expect my DSC to attend an activity DD enjoys but they don't (I.e. Toddler group) so I don't see why DH expects DD to have to endure things for DSCs sake when we could just do things separately.

batteryhen Thu 17-Jul-14 22:46:42

Why can't he go and stay at his sister's house on the Friday without you and dd? I wouldn't drag my 2 year old along. I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of it all!

Littleoaktree Thu 17-Jul-14 22:49:57

So have I understood this correctly - every other Friday night your dh and your dsds will stay at his dsis's house and then come back to your house on the Saturday. He wants/expects you and your dd to go with them and stay there too?

I have 2 dsds and 2 ds with dh, in this situation I would say to dh that he goes and stays with dsds and you and your dd stay at home. That way his dds who don't live with you get time on their own with their dad which I think is v important. I always made sure (when the dsds were younger, they are grown up now) that dh had time on his own with them just as we all had time together as a family. I'm sure your dsds (even if they get on well with you/your dd) would appreciate that time alone with their dad.

I don't see whose benefit the proposed arrangement is for - it certainly isn't for any of the dc or you who will have to deal with a tired and grumpy dd. If there was a benefit for any of the dc then that would be different or, for example, if it was the whole weekend but if it's just the Friday night then your dh should def go alone.

PupInBoots Thu 17-Jul-14 22:50:26

Yes, I want DD and I to stay home on the Friday night rather than at SILs and out of routine. Local pool opens at 8 so I thought it'd be a nice routine if they travelled back and swam til 10 or so, by which time DD and I will be ready to spend the day with them, they'll have had their dad to themselves for a bit and got to do an activity they enjoy and DD won't be tired and grumpy from lack of sleep and not enjoying swimming.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 17-Jul-14 22:52:12

you have to do what is best for all the children. just as it is best that the children get to sleep at his sisters... as stated by the law... so it is best that your dd gets to sleep in her routine too.

why do some children get to keep their sleep and one does not? he is not being fair.

the children also need to fit in with each other. some changes and being dragged around for the little one, some accomodating little ones routine for the big ones. family take into account others needs. I should imagine it would be skewed more in favour of the older ones as your dd has weekends with just the three of you too, but her needs should not be dismissed completely otherwise she is likely to feel second best.

if your h wants to leave chores at the weekend is he going to get them done in the week? it willl not be healthy to eat out all the time either... I am sure children would appreciate thier dad's cooking or yours too. these things make memories for the children.

cestlavielife Thu 17-Jul-14 22:52:43

So just stay home with dd then. You do t have to get in car with dd and go....

Tell him this is what will happen.

He gets time with dds and then you all do some thing together.

cestlavielife Thu 17-Jul-14 22:53:47

Tell him this is what will happen next time as a trial.
If he can then come up with valid reason why it didn't work then you can re consider...

affinia Thu 17-Jul-14 22:55:28

ok well that part makes sense if you would be together the rest of the time.

But your op sounded generally quite resentful. Ofcourse every other weekend will have a completely different routine if you throw an extra two children in it. On the plus side your DD will probably come to absolutely love and relish the time she spends with her older sisters.

hippo123 Thu 17-Jul-14 22:56:17

I totally agree with you op. Your plan sounds much better for everybody. You don't all have to be glued at the hip and surely the sister doesn't really want you all there? If your dh doesn't listen to you would he listen to her?

BlackeyedSusan Thu 17-Jul-14 22:57:41

I think it is important that he spends time with his dc without you and your dd for their emotional wellbeing too. they need his undivided attention. you sound very sensible. don't get his logic about being one family therefore have to do everything together... if you were their birth mother you would not do everything together...

PupInBoots Thu 17-Jul-14 22:59:01

Actually he works every weekend he doesn't have the twins so DD doesn't get weekends just the three of us, another reason I think it's unfair that she has to spend her only proper time with her dad tagging along doing things she doesn't enjoy and actually being left to me to console the whole time because he's busy.

I am planning to cestlavielife, but he thinks I'm wrong for doing so and I wondered if I was - hence posting here for opinions. He makes it sound as though I 'tricked' him by encouraging him to go for two nights contact but then saying I wouldn't be there for it. I think having them on his own makes him nervous.

ladygracie Thu 17-Jul-14 23:01:25

Your plan sounds perfect and it won't be forever as the girls will gradually go to bed later so can come straight to your house & your dd will be able to swim for longer. YADNBU.

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