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To let DP do all the hard work in the evenings

(33 Posts)
DoYouThinkSheSawUs Fri 11-Jul-14 22:29:18

... Because I feel guilty, even though he says he doesn't mind.

I'm an older mum of 2 and I'm not going back to work after this maternity leave. Dd1 who is 3, is bloody hard work - didn't start sleeping through until a few months ago - used to wake every 2 hours every rucking night.

Dd2 is 8 months and such a happy little thing, but starting to walk so wants me to be bent double walking her everywhere at the moment. She also doesn't sleep much, but I tend to get a 4 hour stretch in there.

Currently one will wake early and one will stay up late and they swap it. Around. Tonight was dd2s turn to stay up late and has only just gone to sleep now. Dunno why and she wasn't overtired -perfectly happy until one minute she starts rubbing her eyes, straight to bed, asleep in seconds. Earlier attempt at usual bedtime was met with an angry baby who did NOT want to sleep.

Anyway, so I do all night wake ups and always have done, DP sleeps in a different room and I have both girls in with me. I look after them both all day, with a couple of hours of cbeebies in there (another guilt point) so I can do a few jobs or sit down, so I'm no means a brilliant mum. I try to do most of the cleaning, all laundry, and cook.

DP when he gets home eats, then baths dd1 while I tidy up, then I collapse while he chases around after whichever daughter is not going to bed, does the washing up from dinner, then does whatever job he wants yo do.

So am IBU to let him do the chasing around in the evening while I gave a sit down and a cuppa?

Youoryou Fri 11-Jul-14 22:33:29

If he wants to then fine. Is this really an aibu?

DoJo Fri 11-Jul-14 23:02:46

YANBU, but here is something to assuage your CBeebies guilt:

wheresthelight Fri 11-Jul-14 23:08:33

Sounds perfectly normal to me hun!!

My dd walked unaided at just over 9 months and also gets very angry when put to bed before she decides she is ready!

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Fri 11-Jul-14 23:09:59

Great, thanks smile

AgentZigzag Fri 11-Jul-14 23:14:53

YABU to feel guilty, I feel the same every second of every day sometimes but you have to get the 'help' where you can, it's OK to MN while you ignore them take some time for yourself, even if you do nothing for a while shock

You'll burn out else.

By the by, what are you defining as an 'older mum'? <paranoid>

BackforGood Fri 11-Jul-14 23:18:01

The bit I don't understand is why you do all the night wakings ?
that's ridiculous - you are both parents, and you seem to have had 3 years, non stop of never getting anywhere near enough sleep.

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Fri 11-Jul-14 23:22:26

I'm 40 smile

I do all night wakings mainly as DP is a grumpy bugger on little sleep and I can't deal with him like that - and as I was breastfeeding it made sense. And then I never got around to weaning her soo....

Right need to get some sleep before one if them wakes smile

AgentZigzag Fri 11-Jul-14 23:29:21

Bah, 40's not old hmm <43 with a 4 YO>

Really though, you'll have to try harder not to have a problem with your DP helping given all the threads on here where the DP does fuck all. Leave it up to your DP to tell you if he's got a problem with it, if he's saying he's happy and getting on with things then everything's OK, you can relax and enjoy it smile

PisforPeter Fri 11-Jul-14 23:32:48

It doesn't matter, if it works for you both then that great smile

EverythingCounts Fri 11-Jul-14 23:38:18

Well, if you're doing all night wakings, I think that trades off against him doing all the evening stuff. Where is the contract that says the SAHP must be first port of call for everything child-related, 24/7?

attheendoftheday Sat 12-Jul-14 00:03:08

I think he is BU to let you do all the night waking. I'm sure massive sleep deprivation might make you a little cranky too, but presumably you manage your emotions so they don't impact your family. Your dh should do that too.

Considering your dh doesn't pull his weight at night YANBU to get time off in the evening.

attheendoftheday Sat 12-Jul-14 00:03:47

Sorry, meant dp rather than dh.

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Sat 12-Jul-14 00:07:51

Stop feeling guilty. You are doing loads.

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Sat 12-Jul-14 09:04:38

Well it's just that MN normally insists that parents share the parenting when both are not working - so if this was the other way round and I had been at work all day, came home to a cooked meal, I might be a bit narked if I was expected to then do the childcare while DP sat on his arse?

But I suppose he gets a lunch break and is sat at a desk job all day, while I have been on my feet most of the day.... He also gets one evening a week off to do an exercise class, and a weekend a month for his hobby...

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Sat 12-Jul-14 09:05:37

AgentZigZag - I wil be 44 when dd2 is 4 smile

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure Sat 12-Jul-14 09:18:00

And you are up in the night!

Do you get equal amounts of leisure time? And yes, his hobby, exercise class and lunch break count.

Joysmum Sat 12-Jul-14 09:24:32

Batch cooking is your friend. I batch cook and freeze. It take the same amount of time to do 2 meals as it does one and means there's very little washing up and cooking to do. Saturday mornings I used to batch cook too, that way I could crack on and DH got quality time with DD without me changing the dynamics. Very good for the both of them.

lozster Sat 12-Jul-14 09:27:29

I am 42 with an 11 month old also doing all the night stuff whilst on mat leave. I get less and less done each day as he never naps. If you are doing all the cleaning and getting a meal with two I think you are doing well - yeah i know there are other folks who wrote a novel, ran a house and still looked after four under ones but meh!

As for CBeebies - well I rely on this too! Almost as good as the cat at babysitting. In the 70's I watched all he schools programmes, childrens programmes, magazine programmes and frankly anything on screen up to and including the test card. I have an Oxbridge degree so yah boo to guilt. My little un won't watch l than the length of Wayballoo anyway.

lozster Sat 12-Jul-14 09:27:44


lozster Sat 12-Jul-14 09:28:33

Won't watch longer than the length if Wayballoo

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Sat 12-Jul-14 09:32:28

Hmm yes I do need to get batch cooking. I'm going to look now for some recipes that are suitable, thank you

DoYouThinkSheSawUs Sat 12-Jul-14 09:33:15

I remember watching the test card too grin

weatherall Sat 12-Jul-14 09:34:49

Have you considered sleep training?

I'd have gone mad with so little sleep for so long.

dreamingbohemian Sat 12-Jul-14 09:40:29

Of course he doesn't mind. He's a father of two young kids and still getting a full night's sleep every night (even on weekends???)

Most people would rather have a full-on day and a full night of sleep rather than what you're enduring. So don't feel guilty.

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