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To just want to rant really...

(93 Posts)
ICanHearYou Wed 09-Jul-14 21:02:39

So we went to legoland today, the children, the ex and me.

I paid for everything, he is too poor and fair enough, he had to pay a lot out when he moved out at the end of May and I understand that.

I know a lot of people will think I am a mug for taking him to Legoland with us but I don't fancy doing it on my own, who would stay with the baby while I went on rides with the boy for example?

Anyway so we all went, I paid for the diesel on the way up there, asked him to meet me at the garage but he couldn't 'walk that far' (it is about 2 mins walk from his house' and then complained that I had not got him a coffee when I picked him up, I rarely buy coffee from the garage now because I am watching my calories and frankly would rather eat food than drink a latte, but I was having a treat day so got myself one. When I told him that I was paying out a lot of money for the day anyway, he told me that I had 'free coffee cards' in my purse and should have used one of them. Well yes I do have a free coffee card in my purse but I use them when I have no money and I NEED a coffee, like on my way to a night shift or whatever.

We get to fleet, I bought some sweeties for the children, mostly to placate them for the rest of the long journey, I bought 2 krispy creme donuts and we had half each between the four of us.

We got to legoland, used tickets I had bought on a selling page on facebook and they wouldn't let us have a child go in free because they were an offer or something, so he says 'you can pay for DS1 on my card if you like but you'll have to pay me straight back' I paid on my own card and we went in. I bought lunch (£30 for the three of us and the baby ate for free) I bought us drinks in there, got the children a purple angry birds pig each and then drove back, asked him to come and put the children to bed because I have a really sore hip, exacerbated by lots of driving and wanted to put it up.

I checked my bank and have enough money for a bill coming out next week, he informed me that I get plenty in tax credits so 'shouldn't have to worry about money ever' and then tried to blag me into buying him a coffee at Fleet (I didn't buy myself one, no money left!) and then got huffy when I said I had no money.

Get back, he is huffy about the children, I asked him to warm up some pizza and do a salad for me and the kids (I have been driving and paying all day at this point) he is huffy about that but eats some for himself too. Then puts the kids to bed, starts complaining about how tired he is and then leaves (finally) but he didn't once;

Thank me for taking him out
Thank me for buying him food
Thank me for us having a nice day all together

and I feel a bit used and cheated really. was putting the kids to bed and feeding them with food I'd bought really such a big deal after I'd really splashed out on us as a family? He was acting like I was being really unreasonable to ask him to do those things.

I think he was really unreasonable not to say thank you to me!

TheLoveGorilla Wed 09-Jul-14 21:08:09

I totally agree. I would make sure he knows that you are still waiting on a thank you and ensure that you don't pay for everything again unless he becomes more appreciative and less huffy. I'm not surprised he's an ex.

samsam123 Wed 09-Jul-14 21:08:45

what a scrounger so ungrateful no wonder he's the ex think I would have left him there

Joolsy Wed 09-Jul-14 21:09:01

I understand you feel he was very rude and ungrateful, which I'd agree with, however, if this is his usual type of behaviour YABU to expect any different. Was he like this when you were together?

Lweji Wed 09-Jul-14 21:11:50

Quite frankly, he's an ex. Presumably for hoo reason.
Did you actually expect anything better?

In the end you also had a nice day because he went, otherwise you wouldn't be able to go on rides. Did you thank him?

CoffeeTea103 Wed 09-Jul-14 21:11:51

Yanbu, well be glad he's an ex now. Next time find a way to just go yourself than put up with this nonsense from him.

missymayhemsmum Wed 09-Jul-14 21:11:56

Oh well, you're not questioning your decision to split up with him then!

Sparklypants Wed 09-Jul-14 21:20:08

I saw your previous thread and to be honest I really don't understand why on earth you would put yourself in this position. You know what he's like so you shouldn't be too surprised with his treatment of you and his obvious sense of entitlement.

I completely get that you want him to be involved with his kids, take responsibility and provide childcare so you can work,but.....from what I can gather (please correct me if I'm wrong) all you are doing is allowing him to walk all over you. If you didn't let him do it he wouldn't be able to do it.
He can still co parent with you without you feeding him, taking him on days out, ect, and if he's skint, well tough shit! Not your problem. Next time I'd suggest that if he wants to be a part of these lovely days out with the dc that he pays his share (if not for the dc's, at least himself).

I hope you manage to sort this must be draining having your ex hanging around like a bad smell and making you feel like shit sad thanks

ICanHearYou Wed 09-Jul-14 21:20:26

Lweji you think I should thank him?

To be honest if he'd of said 'cheers for a lovely day' I probably would have said it back and I did comment on what a nice day it had been.

I am definitely not questioning my decision, that is a given!

We didn't split up to do with anything about money, which is quite remarkable now looking back.

I think the biggest problem with him and money is that he has relied on me to juggle ridiculous short finances in order to make everything work for years. Now that he is on his own, he is convinced that I am pulling a fast one with his cash because I have looked at what he should be giving me in maintenance and getting him to pay the joint bills (in his name) off with it, while I get left with all the joint bills in my name and ridiculous nursery back payments etc.

He doesn't seem to understand that and instead berates me for spending or having any money, despite the fact I spend all my money on the children, something I haven't been able to do for years.

I pay a council tax bill in his name, because he can't afford it and I know we got ourselves into that position together. I don't begrudge him the money I pay out, it won't be forever and I think it is the best way but I hate that he begrudges me buying the children beds (they had a mattress on the floor previously) or new shoes and clothes.

Sometimes it just gets me down and I don't have an outlet so I tend to come on here and have a moan and get some sympathy

ICanHearYou Wed 09-Jul-14 21:23:45

He can't afford to pay me for days out, he just doesn't have the money and I don't begrudge him them. Its lovely for the children to have us both there and as I said, easier for me.

I just wish he'd be a little more aware of my intentions and respect them I suppose. I really want it to work as a family regardless of us being sexually compatible or whatever the issue is.

Sparklypants Wed 09-Jul-14 21:28:23

Btw, i understand how fucking annoying it is to have your exp make snidey remarks about what you're spending your money on. A couple of years ago my DS deadbeat f had a go at me for buying a secondhand Welsh dresser because "that's my money your buying furniture with". I told him to mind his own business and get knotted.

He did then get his revenge by quitting work to get out of paying csa, but that's a whole different thread!

Lweji Wed 09-Jul-14 21:31:47

I was just saying that you taking him was out of interest, not exactly the goodness of your heart. You did have a day out thanks to his presence. Otherwise you'd have to stay at home or pay someone to go with you. Possibly actually paying for their time.
Did he actually have a good time or just went along for the kids?

AveryJessup Wed 09-Jul-14 21:33:20

Well, he's an ex for a reason presumably! YANBU to want to rant after a crap day with a moaning whingebag but YABU to have taken your ex with you on a day out and then back home to help out with the kids and expected it to have been anything other than uncomfortable and annoying.

Sparklypants Wed 09-Jul-14 21:33:29

Sorry, me's sounding like you're still in a relationship with him, just without any of the good bits.

It is hard managing things like days out and childcare as a single parent, but hundreds of people do manage it. I'm one of them.
Tbh I'd rather gouge my own eyeballs out with a rusty knitting needle than ask my ex for help of any kind grin that's possibly why I'm not getting it.

ICanHearYou Wed 09-Jul-14 21:35:14

Or Lweji I could have left him at home with the baby and gone with my son, saving myself £40 in the process! He had a great day, he got fed nice food (lots of it) he went on rides with his son.

I didn't take him 'out of interest' I took him because I want him to feel like a valid and necessary part of this family, he is a valid and necessary part of this family!

How am I the bad guy here?

ICanHearYou Wed 09-Jul-14 21:37:40

Perhaps you are all right, we should stop having adventures as a family.

Just seems so sad for the boys.

Sparklypants Wed 09-Jul-14 21:42:08

It doesn't have to be sad for the boys....he could step up and do things with them himself without you having to fund it. Not everything has to cost £££.

ICanHearYou Wed 09-Jul-14 21:51:27

Well no, they enjoy us all spending time together, of course they do, he is their dad and I am their mum. He has no car, very little money, when he has access with them at the weekend he does very little with them.

I want to give them the best, I wanted to give them a mum and dad who took them places, played with them, memories of their childhoods that are fantastic and filled with all of us.

Lweji Wed 09-Jul-14 22:08:13

He's not really part of the family, though, is he? You do not form a family anymore.
And if he was a member of the family, surely it wouldn't matter who paid for what.

Leaving him at home with the baby sounds like a good plan.

ICanHearYou Wed 09-Jul-14 22:13:24

I wouldn't even have needed to do that, I pay for childcare for both the children on a Wednesday. I could easily have just left the baby with the childcare provider and gone with the boy.

It just never crossed my mind to do a family activity as anything other than a family.

I do consider him a part of the boys family, I have often wondered how it will work when I find someone else or he does. I hope that anything we do will only add to the family rather than take parts of it away.

I feel bad enough that it didn't work out as we hoped, I don't think I've had a failed marriage because we have these two beautiful children together and they love us and they love having us around together. No if we were a family it wouldn't matter who paid for what, because our finances would be shared but they are not shared, they are separate now and he is quite reliant on me to sub him (until the end of this month) in order for him to afford food even.

I hate this insinuation that my actions are selfish. I just want the boys to have their family unit still. I still want to parent with him even if we aren't together as a couple. My intentions are nothing more than that, despite how they seem to be coming across.

SquinkiesRule Wed 09-Jul-14 22:13:44

Next time take a friend or a relative and have them help out, they might actually thank you for a nice day out. Maybe you should stop paying his bills (ones in his name) and see to yourself and the children only.

ICanHearYou Wed 09-Jul-14 22:18:58

I have got some friends who would love a trip out to legoland but it wouldn't be the same for the boys.

Sparklypants Wed 09-Jul-14 22:42:42

I promise I'm not having a go at you or trying to make you feel bad but I do wonder how you will feel when your boys begin to notice how their father treats you and decide that it's ok for them to treat you the same.

His money problems aren't your problems anymore. You are not his mother. If he can't afford to eat then he needs to do something to sort it out, not rely on you.

I actually really feel for you (sorry if that sound patronising, it's not meant to), you're trying to do the absolute best for your DSs, but from what you've said it seems to be very one sided.

ICanHearYou Wed 09-Jul-14 22:46:54

I only feel like one person on this thread is trying to make me feel bad.

Mostly I come on here to sound off because I don't really have anyone else to talk to about stuff, I see my friends once a week (each friend) but they are busy with children and life and I can't really offload on anyone.

So when I've just tried really hard like today and had this idea in my head of having a lovely family day with the boys where we are friends (and we are friends with each other it was mostly lovely) but then at the end he is dismissive and acts put on, it just hurts me. It gets me down so much. I don't want that for any of us.

Sparklypants Wed 09-Jul-14 22:57:12

I hope it's not me. Everything I'm saying I would also say to a friend in RL if I thought she was being taken advantage of. I'm sorry you feel bad.

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