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To wonder why in laws cant accept its not still 1970 outside.

(52 Posts)
Vix1980 Wed 09-Jul-14 11:32:35

Both are smokers, both are drinkers. Fil in particular is very small minded (believes the earth is flat, women on 1 side, men on the other in the pub, scared to go anywhere were there may be "foreigners", you get the picture). Ive posted tons about them before as they drive me insane.

They take ds out for a few hours once in a while to the park by their house. One time though a few weeks ago theyd asked to take him to a fair a train ride away, we agreed as it was his birthday he loves things like that, hes only 2 so loves the lights etc..

To cut a long story short, they agreed to feed him and be back around 6ish. 6 came and went and i asked dp to call them to find out if ds had eaten tea (hes teething so not eating well atm). we didnt get an answer so he kept on trying to get through. at 6.45 mil finally answered her phone, dp was mad by then, his bedtime is 7pm and this was 15 minutes before. He asked where they were, oh were in the beer garden in the pub. The dirty old mans pub that fil has to be in every weekend on the dot at precisely the same time. The one they said they werent going to go to at all this weekend as they were taking ds out for the day somewere nice instead. and the beer garden is not a garden, its a bit of wasteland next to the pub, some use it to park in some use it as a tip to dump things in. It has 4 chairs and a table in it.

So after dp went to get him we were raging mad all night, I cant believe they thought it was ok to take 2 year old the pub and still be there at half 6 on a sunday evening. They hadnt even fed him, they got some fish and chips and he had a few of those at around 4pm.

So again this arguement has gone on for the past week now with them, they can see no wrong, they think its acceptable what they did and mil in particular is loving the drama by telling all the family blow by blow accounts of how horrible we are being to her.

Its now ended with us telling them we dont want them smoking around him yet again as we could smell smoke on his clothes this time, their response " were in a beer garden, we were outside" yes but sitting right next to him still. Fil's reply is always well you were brought up that way and your alright. apparently we need to stop wrapping him in cotton wool as we ask people not to smoke around him. hmm they called at the weekend and said they wont bother with him again. so far fil hasnt been in touch at all, but he a stubborn tit who always has to be right. they will all give into him but im ready for a fight if need be.

Mil has called 3 times since then abour other things, trying to make conversation with dp. think shes waiting for an invite here, she'll be waiting a long time.

Is there any hope for a narrow minded man stuck in a 1970's time warp... I dont want to cause more arguements but im not backing down on this. so he either does as we ask with regards to his only grandchild or he doesnt get to see him. aibu if i say that to him. It probably will cause murder if it comes to that but im not giving into him over this. Dp thankfully feels the same, weve had arguements about them before and e usually does take their side but im grateful he thinks the same as me on this.

katandkits Wed 09-Jul-14 11:35:17

Yanbu about the smoking. But on special days out yabu not to chill out a bit about bedtime.

HollyGuacamolly Wed 09-Jul-14 11:37:15

YABU and massively overreacting. You're annoyed because your inlaws took your son to a beer garden? Granted it's probably not the most exciting place for a two year old but I don't really see the harm.

I get why you're annoyed about the smoking thing though.

GobblersKnob Wed 09-Jul-14 11:39:02

Yanbu about the smoking, but I don't get the rage over the rest.

HollyGuacamolly Wed 09-Jul-14 11:39:11

Also you come across as being extremely aggressive in your post, if you've spoken to your in laws in that way I'm not surprised there's been a row.

Andrewofgg Wed 09-Jul-14 11:39:45

YANBU and are right on both points. Keep him away from smoke and insist that what is agreed must be done. He's your DS not theirs.

EverythingIsAwesome Wed 09-Jul-14 11:39:50

What did you do/say to them?

YANBU about the smoking. YABU about feeding him and his bed time. They gave him fish & chips, and a slightly later bedtime on a day out with his GPs is not that bad.

Did your DS enjoy himself?

BlinkingHeck Wed 09-Jul-14 11:40:03

They did feed him - fish and chips. You said yourself due to teething he hadn't been eating much.

They should've let you know where they were. Then maybe you could've net them in the beer garden for a drink and then could've taken him home from there. Relax a little bit. I would have no objections to my in laws / parents taking my children to the pub for a quick drink. (not keen on the smoking though).

ViviPru Wed 09-Jul-14 11:42:30

This is solely about the smoking for me. All the other stuff, the 45 mins over curfew, their dodgy choice of pub, the fish and chips instead of proper scheduled suitable food, it's all just differences in preference and while irritating, not fundamentally harmful. In lumping it all together, you have given them the chance to twist things and minimise your concerns.

If you focused on one indisputable issue, i.e. the smoking, and are crystal in what you will not accept with regard that, that will give them less wiggle room to argue or misinterpret your concerns.

I can imagine this all must be highly frustrating though.

MrsWinnibago Wed 09-Jul-14 11:43:49

What is a "dirty old man's pub" confused you sound awful to be honest OP.

Your DS won't come to harm from having a few chips once in a while and he probably loved being with his grandparents. The smoking..that IS an issue but everything else...YABU!

mymoonandstars Wed 09-Jul-14 11:45:00

Most smokers I encounter are of the view that if you don't like their choice to pollute the air space around them with stinking chemicals, that YOU should be accommodating and move away. You will never convince them any different. Unless you can get them to give up entirely which will make them the most vehement anti smokers in the universe.

I'm with you frankly. If it were a nice pub garden with swings etc then fine. As its a tip, and after bedtime, and they were puffing away next to him while he is bored off his face, then no I dont think you are BU.

deakymom Wed 09-Jul-14 11:45:16

sounds like instead of taking him somewhere nice they took him to the local dog hole not nice for kids and a few chips around four isnt tea really is it! him not speaking to you seems to be a bonus x

Hakluyt Wed 09-Jul-14 11:45:46

Smoking- yep, wouldn't like that.

Everything else? Can't see the problem.

GiniCooper Wed 09-Jul-14 11:45:53


It would be different if they were doing child appropriate activities and got delayed, by the sounds of things they were in a dive with your child.

The smoking is a disgrace, the hanging around crappy (any) pubs with children does my head in.
I wouldn't like to be there myself by the sounds of things.

Tell them take a hike but if MIL wants to visit or take LO to the park well then she'll have to do it on your terms.

makingdoo Wed 09-Jul-14 11:47:02

I think that you are wrong to lump the 2 issues together.

YABU about the pub. It was only one day out and you should relax about his bedtime. It was a treat day for your DS.

YANBU about the smoking but I think it's all turning into a massive issue as it's been said in reaction to what happened on Sunday.
I can understand your frustration as it sounds like lots of things have contributed to you now wanting to take a stand.

Squidstirfry Wed 09-Jul-14 11:52:57

I think you have over reacted massively.

He is their GC, and GP's do different things. It won't damage your child for life to see how other people live.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 09-Jul-14 11:58:17

Was this your thread?

If so, then the problem is that they are BOTH alcoholics and should not have him unsupervised. As you say!

So if this is them, maybe it's time to tell them bluntly. If they don't like it and stay in a huff... maybe that's a blessing.

Nomama Wed 09-Jul-14 12:02:25

Did he get to the fair or did they just head for the pub?

CroydonFacelift Wed 09-Jul-14 12:02:31

The smoking isnt good and you are right to insist they dont smoke over your toddler.

But all the rest is way OTT. They got him fish and chips and took him to a beer garden. Perhaps that is their idea of a nice afternoon out? You cant dictate what they do for every minute that they are with your child, and if you want to be able to do that, dont have them take him out!

redexpat Wed 09-Jul-14 12:04:06

Is this the straw that has broken the camels back OP? Because as everyone else says, it does seem an overreaction, although YANBU about the smoking.

StealthPolarBear Wed 09-Jul-14 12:04:52

"e. It was a treat day for your DS."
Bored in a grotty car park surrounded by smokers and presunably drunken adults? Not much of a treat!!
This was the best they could come up with for a day oit with their grandson?
I agree with you about the smoking amd I also agree about the rest unlike most other posters.
If theyre stuck in the 70s do thry drink drive??

Happydaysatlastforthebody Wed 09-Jul-14 12:06:42

Yes agree Bruno this thread is very familiar.

The smoking is horrible. The rest wouldn't bother me at all but they need to be contactable if they have your child.

What's an old mans pub?

EverythingIsAwesome Wed 09-Jul-14 12:09:04

The thread linked is almost identical hmm

Trooperslane Wed 09-Jul-14 12:11:33

Fuck me op!


They thought a manky old piece of waste land with them drinking and smoking all day was an appropriate treat for a 2 year old?

They are insane apart from anything else.

They'd be having him alone again over my dead body.

I'm glad your DP agrees and you're supporting each other.

rpitchfo Wed 09-Jul-14 12:13:20

i disagree with most people here. YANBU. Were they both drinking aswell? That environment (that kind of pub) is not appropriate for a 2 year old.

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