Brother in laws wedding(294 Posts)
My brother in law is getting married in august and has asked my husband to be part of the bridal party. Originally he was asked to be an usher, but has now been promoted to 'groomsman number two', presumably because there are three bridesmaids. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have now just fallen out with my MIL because she is insisting he sits at the top table, beside her, leaving me on my own with our three children, who will undoubtedly spend the entire meal wanting to be with their father. I am really annoyed about this as we are already having to travel back to another country to attend and jump through various hoops, including me travelling back on my own with the three children (two of who are under five) so that husband can attend the rehearsal, me get the children and myself ready on our own, as husband has to go to MIL house the night before for an unknown reason, and then entertain them on my own from 12.30 pm while husband gets photos etc taken and assists. My husband and I told her and the bride and groom that we really would rather sit together for the speeches and meal, however they think I am being a complete cow. Am I? I should also say that I am already slightly peeved that they didn't ask one of my two daughters to be flower girls as they are their nieces, but that is their choice. They are having a huge wedding and I am at the end of my tether with the whole thing.
I'm a bit baffled by why you wont be able to manage your children alone for a few hours here and there. Have you never been on your own with them before? is this just sour grapes because your DDs werent chosen as flowergirls?
Just unclench and let it all wash over you.
You had your wedding as you wanted, let them have their wedding as they wanted.
Not going to pick through all the individual points - it's not like you are going to be elsewhere with the dc, just not at the same table. This is hardly unusual if one of a couple is in the formal party. Yes, I know some people do and some people don't, but the point is here, it's not your wedding, and if your dh has agreed to do the job, then he can't really pick and choose the bits
you want him he wants to do.
If you thought you couldn't cope without him by yourside all day, then you should have had that discussion before he agreed to take on the role.
I think YABU.
Groomsmen traditionally do sit with the bridal party (as they're in the bridal party)
Are you more worried about the travelling aspects? The new place, thrown off schedule, etc?
It's one day. It's his brothers wedding and it's not actually about you. If he doesn't want to be part of the bridal party then he should have said so.
Suck it up
I don't think you're being unreasonable to want your partner to sit with you at the meal and help with the children. Rest of it seems par for the course Ben if it is a pain for you.
To be honest, I can cope with them but I don't understand why they are insisting he is stuck up there with eleven other people when it is totally unnecessary for him to be there and he has said he doesn't want to be.
And yes absolutely sour grapes re the flower girl thing- I wouldn't have dreamt of doing that if it was the other way round and think it says a lot about the bride. So I am just generally pissed off at having to accommodate her when she hasn't shown herself to be a particularly nice person.
How dare they expect you to travel all the way to another country and then have the audacity to not only not Include your children in the party, but expect you to be separated from your husband - as though they really only want him and are tolerating you (or am I reading too much into it??) Are there no cousins etc to help you out with the children, FIL? Really I think your husband should put his foot down. He is a father now, regardless of whether he was a son and brother first. MIl sounds like a bitch. Tell your husband you really couldn't be bothered to go if you are going to be expected to cope on your own, and you will just not do it and he should just go by himself.
Ok, sour grapes then. It's a few broken up hours on one day. YABU
I would be really pissed off with the whole thing, if I were you. BUT I think I'd suck it up for teh sake of family harmony. I would also let the kids wander up to the top table if they want to see their dad...
and would probably dress my daughters as flowergirls
<Hopes but cant tell if mumyum is being tongue in cheek>
Mumy- that's exactly it. I could have coped with sitting separately where it not all the rest of it and now I really can't be arsed with the whole thing. They also had booked a double hotel room for my husband and I and expected my mother, who is not invited, to either drive thirty miles to the hotel to take the kids home, or for my husband to just stay and I take the kids back to my parents. I only found this out two nights ago and hit the roof as we had specifically told them not to book a room, but MIL ignored us and did it anyway. They have now changed it to a family room, but only as my husband intervened and said it was unacceptable.
Do you really have to travel seperately? Can't he tell his brother "look I can't make DW manage 3 kids on the plane by herself, this is when we are able to arrive".
It's not YOU having to accommodate them, OP. Your husband is part of the bridal party and if he didn't want to be, he would have turned it down. You are invited to attend the wedding and so are your children. You're not in a different room, merely a different table.
You say that you're annoyed that they didn't pick ONE of your daughters to be a flower girl. I can see how that would have been a disaster had they done so. You would be posting about them having picked ONE and not BOTH. You sound quite determined to have your say about all aspects of attending this wedding and really, it's not your call.
If you're kicking off about this then perhaps this is why your husband is saying he doesn't want to do it. Please don't make this into an issue that it doesn't need to be, it has all the potential of causing a big drama and feud and this is the couple's wedding. Don't look back with regrets and try not to let your ill feeling regarding the arrangements, spoil this couple's day.
With regards to travelling separately, the only way round it is for me to take two days annual leave and take two eldest out of school, or husband just misses it. He has asked does he actually really need to be there but his parents are piling on the pressure and saying they don't see the problem as I have done it before. Which is completely true but it is just added pressure I could do with out and combined with everything else has just really annoyed me.
I'm with you STOP! Blinking heck!
The fact you're using the word 'Groomsmen' makes me think this is an American wedding? Apologies if incorrect. If it is, then it's traditional for the Groomsmen (and indeed Ushers in the UK) to be seated at the 'top' or 'wedding party' tables. And in either country, it's common for the male wedding party to spend the night together prior to the wedding day.
Sour grapes are never attractive. The Bride can have who she wants as bridesmaids.
Yabu. Why is she not a nice person? Just because of the flower girl thing?
Just realised i'm attending a wedding in august where the groom is from a different country. Will keep my eye out for frazzled mum of 3 with sour grape pout
Lying- thanks. I know I probably seem like a complete cow, but i am just annoyed at having to be super nice when actually my mil and Sil are actually both incredibly self focused and demanding and expect everyone to constantly jump into line with them. There has been resentment building up for some time and I suppose it has just come to a head.
With regards to the flower girls- when I got married my mil insisted that I had my husbands second cousin, who neither of us had ever met, as flower girl. I accommodated this as I thought if it would make my MIL happy, it really was no big deal, and she bought the dress. I am now peeved, that when it was her own and only GRAND DAUGHTERS, she wasn't keen that they would have a chance to be a flower girl. Plus she thinks the sun shines out of my SIL ass and won't hear a bad word said about her. Petty I know, but it has just wound me up.
Mumyum is being sarcastic OP.
Why can't you "cope" with your own children? YABU.
Ice lolly- SIL is just quite false, really controlling and has been bitchy and nasty to my other SIL on my side and my cousins wife on numerous occasions.
Bra- I can cope with my own children, however, I would prefer it if my husband was sitting with me to help me as they are young and will undoubtedly be really hyper and I can't see why it is vitally important he is at the top table.
It is only a few hours though. What ages are they? I can't ever remember a time that my children were that uncontrollable, so I guess I am not the best person to give you advice on your hyper children.
It's hard sometimes NOT to be petty when things are bugging you but the way I find easiest to deal with it is to break it down into the actual issues and resolve them in my head one by one. I noticed that you're using the terms 'everything else', 'added pressure'... they're enough to wind you up on their own.
Look at what the issues are in isolation of any other and see how much of a problem/gripe they really are for you.
1. Flowergirl status - your girls get to sit with you and you don't have to worry about dresses, knee-sliding, embarrassing behaviour - and you get to pick what they're wearing (which will NOT be anything like the flowergirl outfits). Why not pick a colour and co-ordinate with your children? Involve them in the shopping for the outfits and picking accessories.
2. Table - the pressure is OFF. You can properly concentrate on your children and spend time with them without having to worry about B&G and making a fuss of them at the top table. When I was sitting at a top table I thought how much it was like being an animal at the zoo with people looking all the time. I wanted to slide under it... you don't have that worry!
3. Flights - you have plenty of time to prepare activities, snackcs, games to play. Make the trip as easy as you can for yourself - stay overnight within taxi distance of the airport on the way out - organise the same for on the way back. Pick flights that fit best with your childrens' timetable and absolutely buy into the excitement that they will be feeling.
4. PILs - all their attention will be on the B&G. Smile sweetly and that's all you need to do. What's not to like?
5. After the event - Arrange a treat for you and your family; visit somewhere just you lot. Make it special and something to look forward to.
Last piece of advice... if you can keep your cool, pretend that it's all wonderful and give the appearance of serene, you may well find that your performance is so credible that it becomes fact...
If not, you can hand the children over to their father and raid the gin bottle as soon as you get home....
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