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to ask you if I'm selfish and too used to being a single mum or is moving in with dp not a good prospect?

(88 Posts)
TeepeeTara Mon 07-Jul-14 14:09:32

Dp and I have been dating for 4 years. I have a 6 year old and he has a 5 and 8 year old whom he sees once per month. We have a one year old together and I've just discovered I'm pregnant. We were supposed to move in together before our one year old was born but he made a career choice that meant we couldn't. We separated for a few months but are now back together and he wants us to move in together and have this baby.

In my time as a single mum I've studied and managed to get a degree. I was planning to begin teacher training in September, but obviously this pregnancy has temporarily changed this. He works long hours, shifts and is away for periods at short notice. He can provide no support with the dc. His salary wouldn't be able to stretch to childcare even if I managed to fund teacher training so moving in with him effectively means I'll never have a career.

His dc only visit once per month as he only has one weekend off. They wake the whole house at 5 am, when he's working he wakes everyone at 6 am. This effectively means no lay ins ever again - this may sound a bit pathetic but my eldest has night terrors, youngest has never slept more than 4 hours and obviously the baby will keep me up, too so I'll be extremely sleep deprived which wouldn't be helpful when I'd be doing all day time childcare plus night wakings.

He has much lower standards of cleanliness than me to the point I think it's gross. I.e. His dog had diarrhoea indoors after an operation - he just picked it up with a tissue but didn't clean the floor. The bottom.of his toilet is permanently stained from lack of cleaning. His draining board has black crusty water residue. I don't mind cleaning my and the dcs mess, but think I'd resent cleaning and tidying after him.

My eldest has ASD and he constantly forgets/ignores her quirks which leads to meltdowns and it's just easier all round without him. I don't know if I'm just selfish and too set in my ways as a single mum (which dp thinks) or if I'm right in thinking moving in with really isn't an attractive prospect for me in any way. Obviously it'd be nice for the younger two to live with their father but it seems its to the detriment of everything else. Aibu and a cow, or are my instincts right and I should stick with being alone?

SarcyMare Mon 07-Jul-14 14:13:49

if he is this much of a pain what are you actually getting from this relationship that a vibrator doesn't provide?

ClockWatchingLady Mon 07-Jul-14 14:14:25

I don't know about selfishness or otherwise, but in your position I don't think I'd want to move in with him.
Is it working fine living apart? Can you maintain the relationship this way?

ClockWatchingLady Mon 07-Jul-14 14:15:51

Also, I can see why you'd say "Obviously it'd be nice for the younger two to live with their father", but I don't think you'd need to feel guilty for making the other decision. Because really, if it makes you miserable, it won't be any good for your DC either.

mercifulgibbon Mon 07-Jul-14 14:16:03

He triggers your daughters meltdowns. Imagine how awful it would be for her to live with that. He sounds filthy as well. I would say no no no a million times no.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 07-Jul-14 14:17:28

Did you write about this bloke before? I seem to remember you and your being told to get rid.

TeepeeTara Mon 07-Jul-14 14:20:07

Living apart works fine for me and the dc. They don't get woken by him leaving early every day, I like having space from him as he's very clingy. I like being financially independent too and his dc are mean to my eldest - I like her not having to put up with that which she would have to more so if we lived together. He wants to do things together every moment - I can't just read because he'll want to watch tv together or chat or kiss, if I have a bath he'll want to come in too etc. I find it all suffocating.

ClockWatchingLady Mon 07-Jul-14 14:22:55

Then I think you've answered your own question, Teepee.
Just don't do it. Doesn't sound like there's any question that it might be a good idea.

eddielizzard Mon 07-Jul-14 14:23:34

i'm struggling to see what you are getting out of this relationship tbh.

and yes, him moving in sounds like it would significantly worsen your life, as well as your eldest child. it's their home too, put them first.

MellowAutumn Mon 07-Jul-14 14:23:36

To me families come in all shapes and sizes and living arrangements and if it works for you - it works for you !

HollyGuacamolly Mon 07-Jul-14 14:23:56

With the greatest of respect, why did you have two children with a man you clearly don't like?

Judging by what you've said it would be a very bad idea for him to move in.

TeepeeTara Mon 07-Jul-14 14:24:57

It's not just me it'd affect though, clock. If he's waking them (he has failed to ever leave without doing so in our entire relationship) then they're worse off for being tiredand iit's me who has to deal with it. His work hours mean he'd be there little of the time and I'd have no extra help and in exchange for that I'm giving up my career, financial independence and freedom. I asked the classic MN question 'what's in it for me?' and other than the 'legitimacy' of being in a relationship rather than thestigma of bbeing a single mum, I can't think of much to be honest.

TeepeeTara Mon 07-Jul-14 14:26:48

It doesn't work for him though mellow. He wants us to live together and always be in one anothers pockets. Unless there's something he wants to do, in which case I'm on hand as free childcare hmm

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 07-Jul-14 14:27:29

Don't just not move in with him, dump him. You don't even have to LTB. He sounds selfish and controlling.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 07-Jul-14 14:27:58

And all this basically translates as:

'My boyfriend is a lazy, thoughtless arse. By contrast, I'm able to run a home and care properly for the children and look to go further in my career. He's trying his best to persuade me to let him move in as it's painfully obvious that it would make his life 100 times easier at my expense- I'll be the one cleaning the floors, doing all the childcare and cooking etc. Unfortunately for him, he's not clever enough to even keep up a temporary pretence that he'd pull his weight if this were to happen - he's even made it clear that were he to move in, he'd make absolutely NO effort to even share everyday care of those children that are his own (it's been made clear to me that one of the sacrifices made for wiping his arse as well as the kids would be my own career). I'm also already familiar enough with him to know that he'd a. make my older child's life more stressful because he can't even be arsed to meet her emotional needs and b. he's so bloody selfish about every little thing that one the rare weekends he has his own children here or stay over, life is harder for everyone because of his thoughtlessness. So naturally, I'm not keen. What should I do?'


ClockWatchingLady Mon 07-Jul-14 14:28:18

More and more reasons not to do it, then, Teepee.
Based on what you've told us, it would be a totally crazy idea to move in with him.
If you like your relationship with him living apart, do it that way.
If you find him too irritating even living apart, then get rid.

Best of luck.

HesterShaw Mon 07-Jul-14 14:29:26

With the greatest of respect, why did you have two children with a man you clearly don't like?


Gen35 Mon 07-Jul-14 14:29:54

No me either, I wouldn't, and for all the reasons you've stated I'd bin him too - you should actually want to me close to someone you love. The not understanding your dd and the cleanliness are deal breakers to me, ick re cleaning up dog mess with just a tissue!

ClockWatchingLady Mon 07-Jul-14 14:30:30

It doesn't work for him though mellow. He wants us to live together

He wants you to live together now that it happens to suit him.


Yes yes. This ^^

MagicMojito Mon 07-Jul-14 14:30:38

Ignore if you want, but can I ask why are you with him? blush

ClockWatchingLady Mon 07-Jul-14 14:33:54

With the greatest of respect, why did you have two children with a man you clearly don't like?

Hmm, would an answer to this help answer the dilemma?
Doesn't really matter why now, does it?
This is the kind of thinking which, IMHO, can keep people in relationships too long.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 07-Jul-14 14:44:25

Well, you'd need a serious talk if you were to contemplate his moving in. Compromise would be needed on both sides for it to work. Change would need to be demonstrated (not just promised) in advance and really you'd need a trial period with no strings attached, no barriers to his moving out again, to find out if it could work.

E.g. Bollocks to you cleaning up after him, why would you do that? He's not going to be a guest. He'd need to change his approach to cleanliness, permanently. Is he willing? Do you believe he's sincere and would do it?

Why do his children get everyone up at five? That doesn't sound necessary or reasonable. The oldest one is old enough to tell the time and remind the younger one of the rules. Surely they can play quietly until an agreed time, like seven?

His clinginess will be a problem, irritate you, prevent you from studying and lead to you losing respect for and attraction to him. That's obvious to anyone. He needs to understand that and get into the habit of behaving differently.

That and the idea of your cleaning up after him makes him sound like an extra child who wants you to be his mum.

Career-wise and financially for the family as a whole, the idea sounds like a disaster if it prevents your career development. In two years time you could be earning a teacher's salary. That will cover childcare. As the children go to school and you progress up the pay scale you'd become much more comfortably off. Two years is not a long time in that context. In five years time you could certainly regret not pursuing teacher training.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 07-Jul-14 14:55:04

But, more succinctly, it sounds like he's trying to enslave you quite frankly.

Of course having an unpaid housemaid, nanny, cook and on-tap entertainer would be attractive to him.

Do you want that?

Why idea will it give your daughter about men, relationships and her choices and expectations in life?

Notcontent Mon 07-Jul-14 15:02:46

How is this meant to work financially? I mean, can you afford to support 3 children on your own? Does he pay maintenance for the baby now?

MickiJohn Mon 07-Jul-14 15:06:56

Why are you even with this guy, never mind contemplating making your relationship even closer (why did you not ask yourself this before you had 2 kids with him?)

From the tone of your posts you sound quite cold towards him. What would you miss about him if you were to split?

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