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To tell SIL she can't be my bridesmaid? Long, sorry.

(164 Posts)
CatThiefKeith Fri 04-Jul-14 20:05:51

Brief history:

Dh and I booked our wedding 6 years ago, and I asked my dsis to be Matron of honour. Dh said he would like sil to be a bridesmaid, which was fine. Both were asked, and accepted.

Then fil fell ill, and we bought the wedding forward a year, and cancelled the big wedding in favour of a quick to organise registry office. Sadly it was all in vain and fil passed away in the early hours of the morning of our wedding.

We went ahead with the ceremony, but not the reception, and it was a pretty somber affair. Sil understandably did not attend, mil and my dsis were witnesses, then we all went home in tears.

Fast forward 5 years, dh and I are renewing our vows abroad in a couple of months, and are hoping this will be a much happier occasion. (We were originally planning a family holiday, then noticed we could add on the wedding package for around 1k and thought "let's do it")

We now have dd, sil has an 18mo dd, both are flower girls along with my two nieces.

Mil has just called, to say Sil is badgering her to ask me when we are going dress shopping. I assume she means for the Children and explain I am buying them on the internet.

Then mil exclaimed that as we had originally asked sil, we were duty bound to honour it. It wasn't her fault that fil died, she'd lost out on being bridesmaid because if it, and would be devastated to be uninvited.hmm

My issues are:

1. I can't have sil without reinstating my dsis,

2. 4 is too many already (but couldn't not have any of them)

3. Cost. 4 flower girl dresses will probably be at least £100, plus shoes, hair gumf and flowers etc

Aibu to think her bridesmaid ship has sailed and stick to my plans?

(Sil is 26 and has been bridesmaid at least twice already btw)

mercifulgibbon Fri 04-Jul-14 20:09:04

I thought you were going to say she's young but 26 is old enough to understand things change. Stick to your new plans I think! If she was 12 or something it would be different.

sooperdooper Fri 04-Jul-14 20:13:10

I think this is more about communication tbh, you need talk to her and explain, you've assumed she's not, she's assumed she is because you haven't told her otherwise.

Don't talk to mil about it, none of her business, just talk direct to SIL and explain, you should've done as soon as you booked really, I don't think she's particularly in the wrong to have made the wrong assumption

WilliamShatnersPants Fri 04-Jul-14 20:13:21

Just try to explain to her that you aren't having adult bridesmaids at all, just the kids. She'll probably have a bit of a crisis, but if she has any reasonableness at all, she'll get over it.

sooperdooper Fri 04-Jul-14 20:14:24

Surely she isn't actually uninvited?

OnlyTheWelshCanCwtch Fri 04-Jul-14 20:18:30

I don't see the problem if shes going to be at the wedding anyway.
Its not her fault she wasn't at your wedding
maybe its something she feels she should do in honour of her dad

SanityClause Fri 04-Jul-14 20:20:57

Yes, speak to SIL. It's not like you're having other adult bridesmaids and snubbing her. Apologise for the confusion, and offer for her to do something fun and wedding related with you (your dress?).

Nanny0gg Fri 04-Jul-14 20:21:14

Point out that the little ones weren't around the first time, but now they're here you'd prefer just to have them?

CatThiefKeith Fri 04-Jul-14 20:21:17

Not uninvited to the renewal of vows, just as bridesmaid, sorry.

She was asked to be bridesmaid at our wedding, and couldn't be, but have never mentioned her being bridesmaid this time.

She got married 2 years ago herself (and neither dd or I were bridesmaid, or offended that we weren't) so should understand, surely?

magpiegin Fri 04-Jul-14 20:22:05

I think it's a bit mean as she couldn't be bridesmaid last time because her dad died. I got my bm dresses from EBay, so you could get it on a budget maybe?

sanfairyanne Fri 04-Jul-14 20:22:09


she sounds really childish. surely the kids are instead of the bm?

teeththief Fri 04-Jul-14 20:23:19

I agree with onlythewelshcantcwtch. If she's going to be at the wedding anyway I'd let her be bridesmaid but explain about the cost and ask her to contribute or pay for her own dress. I'd like to think your sister would understand (or you could ask her to do the same)

CatThiefKeith Fri 04-Jul-14 20:23:52

I am going to look ridiculous rocking up with 6 bridesmaids to a bloody renewal though....

teeththief Fri 04-Jul-14 20:25:28

She was asked to be bridesmaid at our wedding, and couldn't be She couldn't because her father had died hours previously not because she just couldn't be bothered to turn up though.

I wonder if those who are saying SIL shouldn't be bm this time have been bm lots of times before? I have never been one so would be gutted not to have the chance although I'm fair too old for that now

teeththief Fri 04-Jul-14 20:26:32

Why would it look ridiculous?

Doodleloomoo Fri 04-Jul-14 20:26:59

How did the conversation go when you first told sil about it and invited her dd to be a flower girl? Then would've been the best time to bring it up for both of you but I understand her expectations wouldn't necessarily have crossed your mind.

CatThiefKeith Fri 04-Jul-14 20:28:05

Sil has been bridesmaid though, as recently at 6 months ago.

KatieKaye Fri 04-Jul-14 20:28:13

You've got an out, OP - as SIL is married, she can't be a bridesmaid! Yes, I know that's old fashioned etiquette, but any port in a storm?
She could be a matron of honour though, only you've already decided not to have one...

She's acting like a kid - this is your vow renewal and she should wait to be asked, not just make assumptions. She had her wedding her way, you now have the chance to do things the way you want them 5 years on. Obviously things have changed in that time

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Fri 04-Jul-14 20:28:22

Why not just let her be a bridesmaid? She can buy her own dress from eBay cheaply enough, as can your DSis (if she still wants to be a bridesmaid). Won't she be there walking down the aisle anyway? Or is someone else going to help her 18 month old DD toddle along?

PavlovtheCat Fri 04-Jul-14 20:32:13

If she is going to be at the wedding, then FFS just let her be a fucking bridesmaid. Really, is it worth upsetting a family member over? It's not like you have particularly valid reasons, aside from cost, and if another £50 or so is going to break the bank then ask her to pay for her own dress.

whereisshe Fri 04-Jul-14 20:33:06

Do you know SIL is desperate to be a bridesmaid? Or does MIL just think SIL does?

pootlebug Fri 04-Jul-14 20:33:29

I disagree with everyone saying 'just let her be a bridesmaid'. It's your wedding, she is still invited, and it's not like she is being snubbed - you are having no adult bridesmaids.

Just explain that this time you are only having younger flower girls and no adult bridesmaids, and that your sis isn't being a bridesmaid either despite original plans 6 years ago.

PavlovtheCat Fri 04-Jul-14 20:33:38

If you think it's going to be ridiculous with 6, it may look ridiculous with 4. Why not just have one bridesmaid with your DD. Or none?

diddl Fri 04-Jul-14 20:34:40

Is it not two bridesmaids (who were originally asked) & 4 flower girls (2 who were originally asked & 2 who have since been born)?

I think that your MIL has a point -there's no reason for SIL to think that she would no longer be a bmaid.

But I also think that if you tell her you're just having the flower girls then that should be accepted.

What does your husband think as he was the one who originally asked her?

mommy2ash Fri 04-Jul-14 20:40:07

how are the two toddlers getting down the aisle? wouldn't it make sense to have your sister and your husbands sister holding their hands and walking them down as bridesmaids?

i think because of the history with your last wedding it could be an emotional time for your husbands family and if it makes his sister happy to be bridesmaid this time around then just let her. if money is a problem explain this to her and ask her to pay for her own dress or contribute. you can find very cheap ones online.

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