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to wonder what the fuck is wrong with me these days?

(24 Posts)
frolicsandfiddledeedees Thu 03-Jul-14 19:11:47

I used to have a life and friends. I had my first child and was a single parent for years and still had a life and friends.

Then I met DP (who is lovely, this isn't his fault) and had my second child (who is now nearly 4 so not a baby) and... my world shrank. DC2 is hard work, I am exhausted, my nerves are frayed. I became fearful, anxious. I feel like I've been stretched too thin, all the fucking time. I hardly have friends anymore because I stopped having anything much to do with anyone because I felt like I never had anything to say to anyone.

Tonight I am in bed. We were invited out for a friend's birthday and was looking forward to it but as the date got closer I started to feel more and more anxious about going and today I cried off. DP has gone without me, he is starting to lose patience now with my tears and swithering every time I might have to go anywhere or do anything other than my part time job or the school run.

The other week I didn't go to my oldest and very best friend's hen weekend (again, something I had originally looked forward to) because I, well, I dunno. Just couldn't face it. Felt I'd have nothing to say to anyone. Felt boring. Stayed at home. Self fulfilled prophecy. Its her wedding next week and I am starting to have anxiety about going to that now. I promised her I'd go. And now I worry that I won't be able to force myself out the door for it.

So now I rarely get asked anywhere, because I never went. So I get invited less and less, so I have less friends and less places to go. And I'm in bed crying because I hate it so much inside my head.

CrohnicallyExhausted Thu 03-Jul-14 19:20:27

To be honest, it sounds a lot like depression or social anxiety, and I think CBT could be useful (the way you talked yourself out of going sounds very much like the way I am, and it's something we addressed at CBT). You could go and see your GO, or try googling IAPT (increasing access to psychological therapies) and your county, you might be able to self refer for an assessment.

susiedaisy Thu 03-Jul-14 19:21:17

Sounds like you are suffering from anxiety. Can you see a sympathetic gp and discuss it with them? Is there anything that makes you unhappy ? Do you get time to yourself? I suffer from anxiety so I know how overwhelming even the smallest of things can seem thanks

IsItMeOr Thu 03-Jul-14 19:21:19

Oh my lovely, I am sorry you are feeling this way.

The words that jump out at me from your post are "anxious", "anxious" and "anxiety". This is a common mental health issue, and something that can definitely get better with some treatment.

There is some good info here from Mind, which includes things you can do to help yourself if you're not ready to talk to your GP yet.

You are in a horrible place. I know - I've been there - and I can promise you that it can get better if you start doing some things differently.

On the friendships, something that helped me a lot was some wise words I was told that female friendships are like the tides - they can go out, but they can come in again. I've reminded myself of this often over the past few years, and it has helped me be brave in picking up the phone, texting, emailing friends that I felt I had lost. No, things aren't always quite the same, but the really good friends will still be there for you.

Have a (((hug))).

HaroldLloyd Thu 03-Jul-14 19:22:26

You sound like a friend of mine and CBT really helped.

Have you told your friends what's going on? Anyone you could talk to?

Montegomongoose Thu 03-Jul-14 19:24:41

You poor thing. I think this is not unusual and if you go and see your GP, they might refer you for some counselling.

If you can afford it, I'd get some straight away privately before you get to the stage where these feelings stop you enjoying your lovely family.

I hope you feel better soon. flowers

soaccidentprone Thu 03-Jul-14 19:25:21

Sounds like General Anxiety Disorder to me. A recognized medical condition. An illness.

You need to go and see your GP. It's quite common, just that most people don't talk about it.

Your GP will be able to sort out the most appropriate treatment for you. And your dh needs to stop being an arse and support you.

If you broke your arm and needed help would he be acting the same?

frolicsandfiddledeedees Thu 03-Jul-14 19:32:54

I don't really have any friends I feel I can talk to tbh.

I see people in the course of my work and volunteer stuff, many of whom I really like and get on well with, who are all under the impression I am calm and easy going and confident and capable. I never go to anything social with them but I always have the excuse of childcare issues (DP works wierd shifts so nobody ever questions it). I don;t feel I can say to them, oh actually its a facade.

As for all the friends I used to have - after this many missed birthdays and weddings and what have you, I am not about to start ringing them up just to tell them I feel like shit. It seems kind of... rude. They've given up on me and moved on. Its been years since I saw or spoke to most of them.

I thought learning to drive would help but actually it hasn;t. I just have panicky thoughts every time I have to drive anywhere other than school-town-Tesco-home. I avoid driving wherever possible because it frightens me. I get constant visions of crashing and the DC dying which isn;t very nice <understatement> so i just don't push myself beyond the driving I can't avoid.

frolicsandfiddledeedees Thu 03-Jul-14 19:38:15

Oh believe me DP has supported me. But this has now been years of me weeping and moping and him staying at home missing out on a social life to make me hot chocolate and give me hugs at the drop of a hat because I can;t face going places. I remember when it started, I was 6 weeks pregnant with DC2 and it was a good friend's birthday party, an annual fixture that I always always went to and loved, a chance to catch up with people I loved and often only saw once a year at that party. And I got all dressed up ready to head out, and then just sat on the stairs and dissolved into tears and became kind of gripped by indecision and fear. And then put my pyjamas on and stayed in. I haven't seen that friend since.

7Days Thu 03-Jul-14 19:40:02

I wouldn't worry too much about friendships having faded, that happens a lot after dc and most people expect an element of it, ime. They can be picked up again in a casual, light manner (to start with anyway), again ime.

I found mindfullness based cognitive therapy quite good for me. Worth looking into? incidentally, my therapist said in was extremely common for anxiety disorders to be triggered by the birth of a child. It is natural to become hypervigilant when you have a new baby, it's a survival thing. But it can grow out of control.

soaccidentprone Thu 03-Jul-14 19:42:21

I have felt similar to you in the past. I had CBT which helped tremendously. I self referred by looking in the IAPT booklet. But not sure how different health authorities work, and whether they all operate the same system.

I also went to a self help group No Panic, which was very beneficial.

You have obviously reached a stage where you have had enough of feeling bad, and have asked for help on MN. you need to take it one step further by accessing help within the NHS.

ithoughtofitfirst Thu 03-Jul-14 19:44:53


pp are saying anxiety so I'm going to jump on that bandwagon. I get such bad anxiety about things. I frequently have panic attacks in supermarkets and in crowds of people. And my husband was very sympathetic and basically told me to snap out of it or 'get on with it' might have been his exact words so I did Cbt with a counsellor (sp) (english not my first language) (nah only messin I'm just thick) and I control it so much better now. You have to keep it up but its so worth It xx

IsItMeOr Thu 03-Jul-14 19:46:51

How do you feel about talking to your GP about how you're feeling?

Or contacting the IAPT people direct?

Or finding a counsellor in your local area?

Or doing something to help you relax?

I got to the point where I wouldn't drive at all. I had a panic attack in a shopping centre. I got vertigo sitting in a lecture theatre and crossing bridges (that carry multiple lanes of traffic, not flimsy ones). I had IBS. My limbs would go numb (very scary when driving).

You need to decide when you have just had enough and it finally becomes easier to admit to yourself and others that you need help than to live this way any more. And that was just about the hardest thing I ever did.

I think the thing that I was most frightened of was that I would not be myself any more. But what has really happened is that I feel more authentically myself than ever, just much wiser at spotting when things are getting out of control for me and knowing how to reel myself in again.

And I find that I am not the only one who likes me, and am gradually making some really lovely friends - who I help, and who help me, to navigate life's inevitable ups and downs.

TheHoneyBadger Thu 03-Jul-14 19:48:53

i'd call the friend you cancelled on tomorrow and tell them that you're really sorry, you'd really looked forward to coming and then just panicked and couldn't face it. just bite the bullet and tell someone and do damage limitation on that friendship.

next step is the doctors.

it definitely sounds like anxiety and mild to moderate depression with extra triggers around social situations. a low dose ssri antidepressant could really help and it sounds like if you don't do something now to deal with it it will tip over into more serious depression as you begin to feel helpless and defeated by it and see it impacting on your life.

worth trying to do something about it. think maybe this is your turning point if you are willing to grasp it?

also if you have babysitter it is not too late to put on your glad rags and go with full permission to yourself that you can get out of there and get a taxi home if you have to.

KnackeredMuchly Thu 03-Jul-14 19:50:42

Anti Ds and CBT - you'll feel like a new woman I promise.

TheHoneyBadger Thu 03-Jul-14 19:52:38

it sounds like it started with a hormonal trigger and has just carried on from there untreated. time to sort it. you will not be sorry.

frolicsandfiddledeedees Fri 11-Jul-14 19:52:21

I don't even have a GP never mind one I feel no can talk about my feelings to.

It's the eve of my best friends wedding. I know I'm not going to go. I am sitting weeping wishing I felt different. Trying to find n actual solid excuse because I don't think 'I didn't feel like it' is good enough...

frolicsandfiddledeedees Fri 11-Jul-14 19:55:03

We even had someone arranged to look after both DC overnight which is unheard of. It would have been our first night away together since having DC2. And all I want to do is curl up and cry and find a reason to avoid going. I will hate it . I feel shit and boring and inadequate next to the rest of everyone.

7Days Fri 11-Jul-14 20:04:57

TBH if it's only that you will feel boring next to everyone else, well I would say your friend would find that upsetting. You are focusing too much on what other people will think of you. TBH honest most people don't focus too much on other people. They use them as a foil to reflect their own glory. As long as you smile and nod in the right places you will be perfectly adequate.

It would do you the world of good to go, even if you were the quiet 'mysterious' one at the table.
Leave early, sure. but go.

SquigglySquid Fri 11-Jul-14 20:12:04

Anxiety disorders suck. angry

I have one that comes and goes. I would really suggest CBT and anxiety meds/beta blockers. That way if you get a panic attack you know how to at least talk yourself down, or know what's going on so when you sneak off to get some air you know you're not dying or anything.

I know this goes against all instincts for you. But just force yourself to go. Sometimes it's the anticipation that's worse than the actual event. Your friends will be happy to see you.

Last time mine flaired up, I got some fast acting blockers. Then I'd just take them before I went out and everything seemed much better.

But also know your limits. Make a sort of code word or phrase with your DH so that if you get overwhelmed you can leave without making a scene. You have an easy one "Well, we don't want the sitter waiting all night, bye!".

BloodFlower Fri 11-Jul-14 20:17:01

Would you be able to let your friends know that you're struggling? That way you wouldn't have to feel bad about making excuses. As everyone else says, see your doctor. Get well soon.

frolicsandfiddledeedees Fri 11-Jul-14 20:19:49

Can't leave early as will be 100 miles away. Meant to be staying overnight, is at parents big Country pile.

IamSlave Fri 11-Jul-14 20:38:39

I went to anxiety meetings they said it s imperative to force yourself to go out...even if you dont want too....or your world will shrink, your creating self forfilliung prophecy

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees Fri 11-Jul-14 21:37:29

They had a big section about social anxiety on yesterdays 'This Morning', if you get a chance op I would try and watch it on demand there was some good advise I think might really help you.

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