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to have snapped at my brother for this.

(64 Posts)
SimplyStressed Sun 29-Jun-14 00:04:34

At a family bbq today to celebrate my little sisters birthday. Just her, her dp, our parents, my family (me, dh and 2 dd's) and my brothers family (him, dw and ds).
My eldest dd (nearly 7) has asd and anxiety disorder so normally struggles a little when all the family are at my mams-it's not that big a place and she gets quite overwhelmed but she was coping really quite well today, speaking to people, playing with people, eating and joining in.
Anyway she was playing a game with our youngest (her sister), she's can be quite bossy when she plays and she likes things to be certain ways due to her autism but they were playing well together (her sister is quite good at not putting up with her bossiness and helps her to learn to play).
My db decided to join in the game, which incidently was a 'mums and dads' game. Youngest dd said to him 'I'm the mum, your the dad' and then my eldest piped up 'I'm Judy' and then repeated it several times as she does in all her games.
Anyway db clicked on she was repeating herself and started saying 'no I'm Judy' for a laugh knowing it would wind my dd up...which it did as you can only have one 'judy' in the game (again autism makes her a stickler for having things 'just so').
At first she came to me for clarification 'mum I'm Judy aren't i?' Yes darling 'but uncle p said he is Judy but I am aren't i?' Yes darling - cue me explaining to db that she likes to be that particular character and please don't wind her up as it upsets her. He retorted that you can have more than one character with the same name and proceded to try to explain to dd why you can have more than one person with the same name-which was completely lost on her as she was in game mode so just didn't have a clue what he was saying.
He carried this on for 15+ minutes, his dw told him to stop winding her up, my dm told her to stop winding her up and he carried on until the point where my dd shouted at him in frustration 'no I'm Judy! Not you you can't be Judy!'...I could tell by this point that she was on the edge of going into a meltdown-caused by him winding her up so much, you could visibly see how frustrated she was!
But instead of backing off he shouted back at her 'no I'm Judy!' And started laughing at her reacting to him again.
I snapped at this point, told dd to stop shouting and come to calm down as we don't speak to people as she was (she did stop shouting but started pacing as she was too worked up to sit), and I turned to him and told him quite harshly to 'enough now stop winding her up, she's got autism for crying out loud she doesn't understand that your tryjng to joke and is getting upset and I'm the one who is going to be left to deal with her melting down all because you think it's funny'
He then shouted at me 'what you think your the only one who knows about autism? I can work with those kids to you know!'
To which I told him I know my daughter and that he was upsetting her and again reintegrated that he was pushing her into a meltdown and that it was me who has to deal with it not him.
He then got stroppy, told both kids to go away and leave him alone as he wasn't allowed to play with them anymore and went and sat at the back of the garden shooing them away everytime they tried to speak to him for the next 30+ minutes despite both my children getting upset with this.

Was I wrong? Is it a life lesson that dd has to learn? I know obviously she does have to learn that not everything has to be her way or the way it is in her head and we work hard to do that with her but she cannot help how OCD she is about how she plays and her sister in this incidence was happy for her to take her normal role in this game (her sister does say no to her being Judy sometime and dd will give the role to youngest sometimes too so she is learning a bit about give and take) I felt uncomfortable by what he was doing tho, almost like watching someone be bullied but then his reaction made me feel like I was wrong (plus the fact no one even backed me up).

notapizzaeater Sun 29-Jun-14 00:07:48

Quite frankly he sounds like an ignorant bully.

I'd have snapped too.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Sun 29-Jun-14 00:08:38

Bloody hell how old is he? 10?

wheresthelight Sun 29-Jun-14 00:11:14

Yadnbu and your db is a cock! He clearly knows jack shit about autism or he would have shut up when everyone asked him to!

Your poor dd! I hope she is ok and not too upset.

FiveFingerDeathPunch Sun 29-Jun-14 00:12:06

i would have told him he was a knob and then walked
come one anyone does that you tell them then walk
your dd was not in the wrong
the "adult " was
he is a bully

crazyoldfish Sun 29-Jun-14 00:12:54

ASD or not he was being incredibly mean and yes a bully. I think you were quite restrained. Teasing kids is fine if they find it funny, she obviously didn't so he should have stopped.
The fact he should have known she was unlikely to find it funny (due to her ASD) takes it from stupid and thoughtless to cruel.

todayisnottheday Sun 29-Jun-14 00:13:13

He's an arse, you probably weren't backed up because people didn't want a scene - and they could see you were handling him! I doubt he'll change though, he sounds like an "I'm right" type of person sadly.

mommy2ash Sun 29-Jun-14 00:13:14

I don't think you were harsh to him at all. if it were my dd I would have put a stop to it a lot sooner than you did

Tvseemstobemyhobby Sun 29-Jun-14 00:15:44

Oh God what an absolute nightmare, for what it's worth you were not in the wrong at all.
He sounds a bit childish, almost like he 'd started it as a joke that he'd do with any child and even when he was reminded of the potential repercussions just couldn't allow himself to back down.

And surely the answer is no that your daughter doesn't have to suck it up. I have no personal experience but surely one of the pros of any diagnosis is that with the awareness you can learn together to tailor situations to make life as low stress as possible for her and you!?

SimplyStressed Sun 29-Jun-14 00:18:11

He's 30 believe it or not :/
The last time I stood up to him about something he went for me and had me pinned against the wall (going back about 8 years ago now) hence why I tried several times to tell him nicely to stop it as I didn't want to cause a scene myself but then nor do I want my dd to think it's okay for people to tease her like that.
She is fine, did really well actually and calmed herself down without flipping out but I did notice even though she did interact with him when he had stopped shooing them away she kept her distance somewhat more than she was.

Susyb30 Sun 29-Jun-14 00:20:10

Oh god..he sounds so immature. What a way to behave. Didnt his wife step in and say something (maybe he's a bully to her). I would have been raging if this was my db or dh! Your dd must have been feeling very confused by his ridiculous behaviour. How dare he!

KurriKurri Sun 29-Jun-14 00:21:31

he behaved very badly - who the hell tries to deliberately goad a little girl like that?

SimplyStressed Sun 29-Jun-14 00:22:01

Today your right he is an 'I'm right ' sort of person, very childish and hates anyone disagreeing with him. I have had to tell him about winding up my dd before too.

It's good to know other people think it is quite bullyish, doubt myself sometimes as everyone else just seems to say 'oh that's just him' like it makes it okay.

Susyb30 Sun 29-Jun-14 00:24:22

He pinned you to a wall? Sounds to me like his dw is on the receiving end of his intimidating ways too. Whats his ds like around him. Id be concerned.

CheapBread Sun 29-Jun-14 00:26:13

He sounds like a nasty childish shit, your poor daughter.

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Jun-14 00:27:05

The first bit when he probably was just joking about with your DD was OK, it is how you might mess about with the DC, but he was a real twat from thereon in.

It'd wind anyone up him going on and on and fucking on about the same thing for so long, he was enjoying her getting upset, YWDNBU to pick him up on it.

The way he behaved afterwards speaks volumes too, taking it out on the DC, I bet he's a fucking nightmare to live with.

How often are you forced into his company? Is he like that with his DW/DS? Has he always been like it?

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 29-Jun-14 00:27:35

He was being a dick. From your description it seems he was deliberately winding your older daughter up.

Yanbu to have said something to him and Yanbu to still upset about it.

He clearly knows nothing about autism if he thinks one cap fits all.

SimplyStressed Sun 29-Jun-14 00:31:22

His ds is only a few months old and his dw is a really outgoing person and not someone who would take crap off him, although she did confide to my mum a month or so ago that db wasnt pulling his weight with the baby and was being quite snappy with her to which my mum offered her support and apparently they had a talk (db and sil) and he is pulling his weight a lot more now.

I think the biggest issue she's got with him is that he is still very much a big kid himself and whilst that was okay when it was just him and sil it's changed now. I do keep in touch with her regular though and reiterate often if there is anything I can help her with I'm here but we aren't really that close for her to confide any of this in me.

Alisvolatpropiis Sun 29-Jun-14 00:32:57

He has pinned you to a wall over a disagreement previously?

He does not like women as people, soundsike enjoys putting them in their place? Your daughter is in prime position for a man like him. Vulnerable and easy to get a reaction from. She is a child.

He is an utter wanker.

zzzzz Sun 29-Jun-14 00:35:19

Just as your daughter couldn't back down on "who was Judy" your brother couldn't back down on "teasing like that is fine". Same issue different presentation?

I didn't like your casual use of OCD to describe her rigidity. Unless she has that dx it probably isn't great to just throw it around.

SimplyStressed Sun 29-Jun-14 00:37:19

Agent, the taking it out on the kids afterwards really ticked me off too although when he told them he wasn't 'allowed to play with them' I did pipe up and tell both my children that it was 'uncle p saying he wasn't allowed to play with them no one else because he doesn't like being told that he wasn't playing nicely' as I didn't want my eldest thinking she had done something wrong to cause me and him having words and then him not playing.

Luckily we don't see him that often, few times a year I'm not really close to him as I don't really like his mannerisms that much. He tends to try and make me the butt of all his jokes and generally puts me down under the guise of it being in jest...but worried that he is maybe starting trying to turn doing that onto my eldest now because she is an easy target so to speak.

AgentZigzag Sun 29-Jun-14 00:37:29

The OPs brother is 30 zzzzz, of course he can 'back down' when he sees his behaviour is upsetting someone.

Anyone who didn't would be a right nasty bastard, especially when the other person is a child.

SimplyStressed Sun 29-Jun-14 00:38:49

Zzzz she has got the dx of ocd, not just in her mannerisms in games but also with cleaning and various other things too

EverythingCounts Sun 29-Jun-14 00:41:32

But zzz, when one party is a child and the other is a 30 year old, you expect a bit more grace from the 30 yo, no?

He sounds awful, unkind and bullying even if autism wasn't in the picture. I would keep you and your kids well away from him in future.

SallyMcgally Sun 29-Jun-14 00:42:20

YANBU. I'd be staying well clear of your brother from now on. Thoroughly nasty piece of work.

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