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To want my DH to move from 5mins to 1hour's commute to be nearer my family?

(85 Posts)
NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:39:09

I feel like I might be BU but maybe not...

DH is starting new job soon which is 5mins from where we live. I am currently SAHM with 1year old DS. We like where we live and I've made some good friends in the last year since I've not been at work, but we only moved there initially for work and did not intend on raising family there etc.

Longer term plan was always to move closer to my family, who are 1.5 hours away, so compromise seemed to be to move nearer to them but still be reasonable commute for DH. So is an hour's commute (car, country roads, 30 miles) reasonable or too much, considering he is literally down the road at the moment?

We definitely need to move to a bigger house so we could possibly move in the area we already live in, although it's expensive, or make a bigger move now and hope that DH can find a job which is closer in a few years.

Don't want to be moving around too much once DS starts school too.


KatieKaye Mon 30-Jun-14 07:56:19

Moving would add 40 hours a month to DHs workload. Which is another working week. So not something I'd even consider given the circumstances you describe. Your family is only 1.5 hours away and you aren't working so if you want to see them more it would be mad to even consider moving.

For the future, a move will depend on many factors: is he happy in his current school? Does it offer opportunities for progression? What is the likelihood of you both being able to find jobs in a new place rather than staying where you are , with the security of his job when you start looking? I'd be considering all these factors very carefully, but at the moment I'd be staying put and putting my DHs welfare above my own wish not to have to drive to see my parents.

seaweed123 Mon 30-Jun-14 08:58:03

I always thought that colleagues who did similar commutes were crazy, but last year I moved a 50 min drive / 1 hour bus journey from both our works. I love it - we have a dream house that would have cost double in town, and a rural location, which we wanted.

We can also visit PIl as a day trip rather than needing to stay overnight.

For us, it is definitely worth it, and I'm glad DH talked me into it (I initially thought it was too far, for all the reasons PP have said). The drive is nice when we do it together - a chance to get all the work talk out of the way before we get home. The bus is nearly door to door, and an excuse to switch off for an hour and read a book. So not at all stressful.

I think it does depend on the commute.

DeWee Mon 30-Jun-14 09:28:58

Have you factored in the extra expense too? Not just petrol wear and tear to the car-you may also find you then need 2 cars.

Dh usually works a bike ride awy from where we lived. He was placed out an hour away for 3-4 months when the dc were little. Firm hired us a car, I didn't realise until he did it how much effect it would have on our family. He arrived back exhausted, at just before the dc's bedtime so they got excited, were later to bed, he found it very difficult.
In fact I haven't found it so nice, but it is actually easier the times he has worked away for the week (back at weekends) when it's been further away.

Wouldn't choose the commute ever.

NewToAllThis11 Mon 30-Jun-14 16:50:38

Thanks for all the advice; we're going to stay put for a few more years and then look to move once DH and hopefully I have new jobs in the right area. Everyone who said that I needed to put my Dh's welfare above my own desire to live nearer my parents was right.

We both felt that it would be good to live closer to family and be able to see them and friends round there on a more ad hoc basis, rather than having to pack up the whole house for a weekend visit, but we've coped so far. I guess I'm a bit worried about having another DC and coping with DS and a new baby, but DH being 5mins away will really help with that. I think I need to go with the flow a bit more, rather than always trying to plan everything!

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 30-Jun-14 17:10:27

Dh is a teacher and we actually did move from a five minute journey to work to just over an hours (typically its working out at 1.20).

He has missed time with the children and its always been part of the plan to find the right job in this area.

The fuel costs and car wear and tear are significant. He's more tired in the week. I do just about all the kids stuff in the week. We eat fewer meals as a whole family.

We are getting by at present by him leaving very early (6.30) so he does his bits and pieces of prep pre school. He stays two nights a week for meetings/ parents evenings and one night for socialising with colleagues. He doesn't see the children at all on these days. Two nights a week he leaves on the bell and we all eat dinner when he gets in some time after 5pm. Our youngest is not at her best by this hour. But he gets his holidays, my parents are on hand if we want to have a stroll in the evening when the kids have gone down, we can just pop in for a coffee/ so can they.

For us the move has been the right thing - but its not yet complete. My eldest needed to be in special school not available in our old area, youngest has complex needs that there are support services around for progressing diagnosis and our middle son has access to other children and his cousins to play with. We had a bit of a life changing event that meant we were no longer able to feel safe living where we did before.

I have no regrets about moving and see this time of a few years sorting jobs etc as just part of the whole move process. The commute to a good job for a year or three, its associated cost in time and monetary terms are something we knew was part of the whole package. Once DH finds the right job the next how ever many decades with DC, grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins on the doorstep are something we can now look forwards to.

NewToAllThis11 Mon 30-Jun-14 17:52:14

Really interesting misformumnotmaid. I'm glad it's working out for you, but it sounds like it's hard going on both you and your DH at the moment. How long has your DH been doing the term time commute and is he looking for jobs atm? The trouble with teaching (as I'm sure you're aware) is that there aren't so many jobs around if you are looking in a quite specific area.
What you described (grandparents, family around etc) sounds so nice. That's what DH and I would like for our own family but it's going to take a while to get there. All things considered it sounds like it was the right decision for you. We do like where we currently live, so I don't feel upset to stay, more a bit frustrated because I want to get things sorted and us all settled down!

Rainbunny Mon 30-Jun-14 18:07:20

It'll be a hard transition. I went from having a 45-1 hour commute for years to a 5 minute walk to work and then had to start commuting 45 mins again when we moved to a new city. It's SO hard to deal with the commute again after the bliss of walking to work everyday. My quality of life was better as well, my energy levels and general mood were much better when I could walk home at the end of the work day. Now I'm driving again I realise how the commute seems to zap that last bit of energy out of me. Just something to consider.

PhaedraIsMyName Mon 30-Jun-14 18:10:36

If I were your husband I'd say no. End of discussion. Commuting is just awful. I have a long working day which is only bearable as it's 5 minutes to home. If I were leaving work at 8,9 10 at night I think I'd be suicidal if I had an hour's commute after that.

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 30-Jun-14 18:13:58

He's done a year so far. A couple of interesting possibilities for jobs have come up, one he would have liked but went to an internal deputy in the department who was also Catholic - in a Catholic school, the other he didn't like the school ethos - lack of discipline and too much focus on C/D borderline kids with no high flyers or motivational programmes for those who a grade is a good personal achievement. DH cares, a bit too much sometimes, about all his kids and is keen that everyone achieves their personal targets.

Our plan was three years max. Year one and two being quite picky about jobs, year three realising that you can't be quite that picky if you want to see family too.

NewToAllThis11 Mon 30-Jun-14 18:23:54

That's what's always difficult - jobs all come up at the same point so you have to make a decision quite quickly and then possibly wait a whole other year for the next round of jobs. If he feels he can be a bit picky, then that hopefully means he's not finding it too difficult at the moment.

rainbunny I agree. I've had a very long commute myself and it was hard, so I don't want that for my DH. We both wanted it to work but every time we do the drive it's about an hour, and that's with relatively light traffic. Since we've been discussing this he's said he was really worried about it, so he's glad I've gone off the idea. Not that I'm so dominant and trying to dictate his drive to work - that's not the case at all!

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