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To want my DH to move from 5mins to 1hour's commute to be nearer my family?

(85 Posts)
NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:39:09

I feel like I might be BU but maybe not...

DH is starting new job soon which is 5mins from where we live. I am currently SAHM with 1year old DS. We like where we live and I've made some good friends in the last year since I've not been at work, but we only moved there initially for work and did not intend on raising family there etc.

Longer term plan was always to move closer to my family, who are 1.5 hours away, so compromise seemed to be to move nearer to them but still be reasonable commute for DH. So is an hour's commute (car, country roads, 30 miles) reasonable or too much, considering he is literally down the road at the moment?

We definitely need to move to a bigger house so we could possibly move in the area we already live in, although it's expensive, or make a bigger move now and hope that DH can find a job which is closer in a few years.

Don't want to be moving around too much once DS starts school too.


Helpys Sat 28-Jun-14 17:41:39

How much do you see your family and would it be worth seeing DH for 2 hours fewer a day?
Looking at it that way would make it a no brainer for me.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 28-Jun-14 17:42:15

What are his working days like? A five minute commute is a godsend if he has 10/12 hour days. Adding an hour each way into anything more than a standard 8/8.5 hr day is a big ask.

DragonMamma Sat 28-Jun-14 17:43:25

It depends on who you'd rather see m

DragonMamma Sat 28-Jun-14 17:43:39

Oops, fa

Shosha1 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:43:55

Don't do it. I had a hours commute driving country roads. It was hell especially in the winter. I managed it for 18 months, and only that long because I was a nanny and wanted to see the children into school before I left.

Sidthesausage Sat 28-Jun-14 17:44:27

So that's a commute of 10 hours a week, 40 hours a month.

My DH commutes further/longer and its not idea. He's left before the kids are up and comes back when they are being put to bed. He isn't there to enjoy the kids weekdays and I don't get any respite between 7 and 7. Petrol also costs. There are pluses - we live in a nice green area and have a nice life style. No family anyway.

MelanieCheeks Sat 28-Jun-14 17:44:27

Oh Lordy commuting is awful! If he's doing that every single day, I think it's important to minimise any stress that might result.

DragonMamma Sat 28-Jun-14 17:45:16

Fucking hell, what's going on with my phone.

I was trying to say, it depends on who you'd rather see more of I suppose? And who your kids would rather see more.

Losing 10hrs a week with their dad to gain a couple of hours a week with their nan isn't a trade off I'd be likely to make.

CMOTDibbler Sat 28-Jun-14 17:45:38

I wouldn't. That sort of commute becomes a nightmare in the winter, and his quality of life will suffer a lot

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:46:57

At the moment I don't see my family that much because of the distance but we are close and DH is close to them too. Helpys you've kind of summed it up as I definitely would see him less, which would be harder in terms of DS and also potentially other DCs in the future.

His working days are pretty full on and long, average 10hrs I'd say, but term time only.

mumblechum1 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:47:07

Losing 10hrs a week with their dad to gain a couple of hours a week with their nan isn't a trade off I'd be likely to make.


Onesleeptillwembley Sat 28-Jun-14 17:48:05

Depends what your DH wants. Sounds u to me.

ilovesooty Sat 28-Jun-14 17:48:21

I think expecting this of him is unreasonable, I'm afraid.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Sat 28-Jun-14 17:49:50

He will have to commute day in day out 2 hours a day. You would maybe have to commute once a week 3 hours to see your family, less if they came to you....

How much do you want to see your family. Every day? And are they more important than DH. My DH did the 2 hour commuting when my two were little (no choice he worked in London we had to move out to afford a house). It would have been a godsend to have him nearer as all family were a minimum of 5 hours away. Don't under estimate the benefits of him being so near

cardibach Sat 28-Jun-14 17:50:21

Surely you could see more of them from where you are though? If you think an hour's drive is easily doable before and after every day's work, then surely an hour and a half is doable before and after a visit to family on a weekend?

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:50:25

This is really useful, thanks. dragonmamma you're right - I hadn't thought about how it would be depriving him and DS of time together.

Thenapoleonofcrime Sat 28-Jun-14 17:51:12

Commuting is horrendously stressful, I have cut my commute and my quality of life has really leaped up. As others have said, it doesn't feel so bad on nice sunny days but an hour in driving rain or sleet is just awful. I used to get quite stressed driving home in those conditions.

If you can stay where you are, but perhaps spend more time with your family (stay over one weekend a month? regular visits) it probably would be better for your husband. What does he think?

scottishmummy Sat 28-Jun-14 17:51:17

You don't work but you want to dictate the travel commute for dh?yabu
It of no issue where your family are,it's of bigger issue he happy and his commute ok
I'm astonished you think this is any way reasonable

Pollywallywinkles Sat 28-Jun-14 17:51:37

What does he think as it is him who will be doing the commute?

A long commute it tedious especially in the winter. I had a 45 min commute for 4 years and it was starting to get tedious. An office relocation worked in my favour and reduced the commute to 20 mins and it made a big difference to the quality of my life. I've now got a 90 min commute twice a week and I hate it with a passion.

RiverTam Sat 28-Jun-14 17:52:50

that's a very long drive twice a day, petrol will cost a fair bit too, I should think. And miserable in winter after a 10 hour day. Much better quality of life him being so close - better for you to, I would have thought.

Deemail Sat 28-Jun-14 17:53:20

Yabu, you want him to drive an extra 10 hours per week on top of doing 10 hour shifts. If you really wanted you could visit your family at least once a week without it been a big deal.

redskyatnight Sat 28-Jun-14 17:54:10

I wouldn't make my DH do an hour's commute each way if it was avoidable. It'll mean he has next to no time with the DC.

If you don't see your family that much because you live an 1.5 hour away (which tbh is not that much at all, you can easily drive there and back in a day), I would wonder if you'd actually see that much more of them/they'd be the support network you presumably want even if they were closer.

NewToAllThis11 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:54:40

At the moment we do see them every 3weeks or so and we usually go to them as they have much more room so we can stay. I guess I was thinking longer term of DS starting school and us hopefully having more DCs, and having my parents nearer for support, but I definitely don't want DH to be exhausted and miss out on seeing DS (and me).

Smartiepants79 Sat 28-Jun-14 17:54:52

Is there not a bit more of a compromise? Say half way between both, or does that just leave you with the worst of both worlds?
A hour is a long time.
Unless you DH is fully on board it can't be done I don't think.
Would it really impact on how much time he sees the children day to day?
Cos it wouldn't make much difference for my DH. He only works 10 mins away but is still rarely home before bedtime.

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