DH teaching DSD (4) to tell lies. But on one hand I can't really blame him . . .

[Roundedbuttocks90]

We have had DSD staying since Wednesday night. She was meant to go back to her mums this morning in time for pre school.

Her mum lives 50 miles away and refuses to do any of the commutes to pick up or drop DSD off.
(Whole other thread)

Anyway on a normal week, she would go back to her mums today and we would pick her up tomorrow morning and then she'd spend the weekend with us.

DH is so sick of the money we are having to spend on petrol and the fact that DSD said she didnt want to go to pre school this morning that he has decided to ring his ex up and tell her that DSD has been sick (she hasn't).

He has just had a conversation with DSD which goes as follows: 'I've just rang mummy up and told her that you've been sick sweetheart so that you don't have to go to playschool. So if mummy asks you on Sunday if you're ok tell her that you've been really poorly but you're ok now.'

AIBU? DSD already lies to get her own way but now he's teaching her to!?

I wish he would grow a pair and tell his e that she has to start doing her fair share of the commuting instead of resorting to this!! Everything is in his favour, he could take her to court and she wouldn't have a leg to stand on. He's threatened to but wimped out. So frustrated. It is never ok to teach a child how to lie but I feel he's been somewhat driven to t

[Humansatnav]

Tricky situation, but I really don't see how teaching a child to lie can end well......

[TheHouseatWhoCorner]

Hes not thinking this through. What will happen when she goes to school and fancies a day off? What about when her mum calls your DH and says DSD had been sick and wants to stay at home - will he believe her?
He has got to tackle the commute.

[5yearsandcounting]

If she's only 4 not only is this wrong but she is very unlikely to be able to keep this secret. If he eventually goes to court could that not be held against him?

[diddl]

He should have the balls to tell his ex the truth-that his daughter didn't want to go & he was OK with that & kept her off.

Who will look after her today?

If this is usual that he has her Thurs, can the Fri preschool be dropped?

[frignorant]

I suppose if he stands up to his ex and asks that she does her share then she might just not bother and he wouldn't see his dd.

It's not a good situation and lying isn't a good idea.

What will happen when she starts school? Seeing her during the week probably won't be an option.

[Roundedbuttocks90]

Completely agree satnav he can't understand why I'm pissed off with him

[Roundedbuttocks90]

5years I've told him this and DSD won't keep this secret and why should she. Can't believe he's teaching her to do this. He isn't the sort of person who lies so I'm disappointed and shocked with him.

She wouldn't stop him seeing DSD as she likes having her 'me time' as she calls it.

Both me and DH work she doesn't

[Happydaysatlast]

No he's wrong. It's a situation that needs sorting out properly.

Your dsd will sense the tension between her parents very soon and begin to play one off against another.

They need to talk and get a united front. They both need to act like adults not refuse to drive and lie.

You are right op.

[Mama1980]

Lying is a terrible idea. He needs to just sort it out, plus of course he's just given his ex more ammunition if things get nasty. She can now legitimately say well I don't want him telling my dd to lie to me (justifiably) and he put what he wanted before what she wanted. (that is what she could argue, I'm not saying she a right here)
I also think it highly unlikely a 4 year old will remember to lie, and she really shouldn't be put in that position. Seriously it's not ok.
He's the grown up and needs to sort it out himself from what it sounds like he wouldn't have a issue getting a more reasonable contact/agreement in place.

[Roundedbuttocks90]

Completely agree with you all. She has just been actin up so I told SH to put her on the naughty step a she was getting more and more wound up about nothing. He put her on the naughty step but stayed with her!?? So he hasn't calmed down at all and has just come back in the room screaming blue murder at me.

He will have 2 exes to contend with soon if this doesn't stop

[Roundedbuttocks90]

diddl I've been looking after her today

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

D it not have been more sensible for your dh to say that the car has no petrol and you can't afford to top it up so if she wants dad to go to pre school she'll need to drop her off.

[WaffleWiffle]

Roundedbuttocks90, I remember your previous thread about the cost of commuting with your DSD.

At least something has happened this week to deal with the commuting issue. I know it is not ideal, but you were so desperate for something to change in your last thread. So your DH is listening to your concern over the issue.

He does need to take up this issue with this ex wife, and he probably knows this.


I think it was mentioned in your other thread to try for changing the days around so that there was not this going home on Friday and coming back to you on Saturday thing - which seems illogical to me.

[MexicanSpringtime]

It is so important and hard to teach children not to lie, but first of all they need to think know that we don't lie.

He is really blowing it. It's still not too late for him to apologise to his daughter and tell her that he was wrong to say that.

No adult should ever tell a child to lie to their parent.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

I have to deal with this from my ex (teaching DD it's ok to tell lies) and I cannot express strongly enough how wrong this is. Your DSD needs to be able to trust those around her, who look after her, and to know lies are not OK under any circumstances. She needs to know that she should be able to tell trusted adults (parents/you/family etc.) if someone had told her to lie to, or keep secrets from, both her parents. How in earth can she learn what to do if someone puts her in that situation, and she's learned from her dad that this is normal/acceptable?

In my case, I told my ex that if our DD learns from her dad that it's ok to lie to me, her mum, how would she be able to deal with someone else telling her to keep (bad) secrets from her mum, when her dad (who she loves and trusts) has shown her this is OK? It's not only incredibly unfair to put your DSD in that position, but it's not healthy for her development to be taught by her dad that it's ok to lie to her mum under any circumstances. It also completely undermines my relationship with DD because the other person she loves & trusts most in her life (her dad) is teaching her to have no respect for, or trust in, me by making lying to me acceptable.

You need to spell it out to your DH how wrong this is, and that he needs to face up to whatever issues he had with his ex and deal with them appropriately. How on earth has he come to the conclusion that's it's easier to do this to your DSD than to actually deal with his ex? No matter what those issues are, it's never OK to put your DSD in this position.

[hellskitty]

Worrying the mother that her little girl is really poorly when she isn't is cruel.
The little girl is going to feel conflicted and insecure.
Finally what kind of craziness is it to set up an arrangement that involves a 4 year old travelling 50 miles for one morning of pre-school and then 50 miles back teh next day ??

[Needadvice5]

Haven't you posted before about the complications of the days that you have her? Surely it's near on impossible to take her back on the friday and do the same journey all over again thr the following day!

[annielouise]

It's wrong what your DH did. On top of that did he ask if you minded looking after her today before he did what he did? Are you both on shifts so this is your time off before you work tonight? I wouldn't be happy that he'd volunteered my time like that.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I wonder if he would have been so keen to have her miss preschool if he had to rearrange his day to look after her. He's saved himself time by; having her lie; volunteering your time.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Have you already had a thread about this? If you are the poster I'm thinking of... you have basically told DH to front up to his XP and get these terrible arrangements changed, haven't you? And this is his response - rather than face conflict/court/sorting things out once and for all with the X, he's teaching his DD to lie.

The more I hear about this man the less I like him, tbh.

Although of course if it's not the same poster then I apologise.

[DontPutMeDownForCardio]

Did you mind having to look after her? My dp would never arrange to have his son then expect me to look after him.

[gellicleCat]

So many saintly people who have never lied to their dc. Why do I find that so hard to believe

[WooWooOwl]

Of course your DH is being unreasonable.

It's pre school, not primary school, if your DH doesn't want to take her then that is a choice he is allowed to make as her parent. He doesn't need to justify it to anyone while his daughter is in his care.

[naturalbaby]

Don't teach her to lie.
There's nothing wrong with sitting with her when she's supposed to be calming down. If she can't calm herself down when she's feeling worked up about something, then she should have an adult with her.

[TensionWheelsCoolHeels]

gellicleCat, that's not what has been said here at all. This isn't about lying to a child, it's about teaching a small child that it's ok to lie to a parent. Under what circumstances do you think that is OK?