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To ask friend to smoke outside while we're over? I probably am

(33 Posts)
Fanfeckintastic Thu 26-Jun-14 09:52:12

My friend and I have both recently been made redundant and spending a lot more time together with our children and in each others homes when we'd have previously spent time out on more organised "play dates" etc. My friend is a smoker (I'm an ex smoker, no big deal) but claimed not to smoke in her house but within a few days it's gone from having a little smoke standing at the window which I said "suuure, no problem" to sitting in the sitting room puffing at least fifteen in the time we're there. Our children are pre schoolers and I feel sick this morning with all the smoke in my lungs, her son has a constant cough and it's totally put me off going to her house now but I realize it's her house!!
She would much prefer our company and to smoke outside than us not coming over but how do I broach the subject? It's her house after all and I'm not a nazi ex smoker, it honestly just makes me feel ill and my mother died of lung cancer from smoking and I hate myself and my DD (and her son if I'm honest) being exposed to smoke in a small space.

MyFairyKing Thu 26-Jun-14 17:37:49

Glad it went well. smile I don't get the people who say "my house, my rules", surely it's polite not to make your guests feel afraid or uncomfortable? Hence why I leave my dog to play in the garden if we have guests who are afraid of dogs.

Fanfeckintastic Thu 26-Jun-14 17:31:04

Job done and it was extremely well received! She just said she shouldn't be smoking inside anyway so we've all been going out together or just her and she's smoking much less because of it.

Thanks so much everyone!!

VitoCorleone Thu 26-Jun-14 13:35:32

Does she know your mother died from lung cancer?

Gruntfuttock Thu 26-Jun-14 13:19:19

TheBloodManCometh "If she's strapped for cash how on earth is she affording to smoke over a packet of cigarettes a day?"

Surely she's strapped for cash because she smokes over a packet of cigarettes a day. Skewed priorities, not least regarding the health of her own child and of visitors. I feel very sorry for her son and I certainly wouldn't subject my children or myself to secondary smoking at her house.

Igggi Thu 26-Jun-14 13:12:06

She's hurting her own child and isn't bothered about that so I doubt she'll be too concerned about the effect it might have on yours.
I know it's not easy to stop smoking but it's fecking easy to go out of the house to smoke or even hang out a window to do it. If she can smoke 15 in a visit she can't be doing much with her dc either.

TheBloodManCometh Thu 26-Jun-14 12:01:42

If she's strapped for cash how on earth is she affording to smoke over a packet of cigarettes a day?

Trooperslane Thu 26-Jun-14 11:58:29

I wouldn't have my kids in a room with someone who smoked one never mind 15.

Sorry op. I think you're going to have to bite the bullet. The fact that she's not doing something when her own dc is suffering speaks volumes.


specialsubject Thu 26-Jun-14 11:57:00

koala puts it well - honest and polite indeed, without telling her what she can do in her own house.

But clearly she isn't that strapped for cash!!

KirjavaTheCat Thu 26-Jun-14 11:55:34

Is there an outdoor space you can all sit in?

BlondePieceOffFluff Thu 26-Jun-14 11:50:55

YANBU - Just be honest and polite. Your DD's health, and your own, is more important than not wanting to offend.

starfishmummy Thu 26-Jun-14 11:39:16

I am a non smoker (never have) and I wouldn't like it either. On the other hand if I was asked to not do something in my own house - even something hazardous to health - then the person doing the asking would not be coming back.

Fanfeckintastic Thu 26-Jun-14 11:26:00

freespirit it doesn't even seem you've read my post correctly at all.

Okay definitely going to say something, not ask her not to but suggest we come here in future as I have a balcony for her to smoke on.

LeBearPolar Thu 26-Jun-14 10:54:02

TBH, my priority would be protecting my child's health. I certainly wouldn't prioritise the possibility of hurting someone's feelings over that.

It's up to her what she does in her house but I don't understand why you're so much more worried about upsetting her than you are about your DD's little lungs. confused

In this situation, I would tell my friend that I was happy to meet outside or in my house (no smoking) but that I'd prefer my DC not to be exposed to passive smoking inside.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 26-Jun-14 10:50:54

Just tell her! You don't have to ask her not to smoke, but tell her you're sorry but you don't want you or your kids around smoking indoors so can you please meet in the park or whatever. She will either agree, or offer to smoke outside while you are there. You might even cause her to think twice about smoking around her kids.

WorraLiberty Thu 26-Jun-14 10:46:42

Invite her to your home and ask her to smoke outside

FreeSpirit89 Thu 26-Jun-14 10:44:02

YABU - her house, her rules.

Is be annoyed if someone told me I couldn't smoke in my house. (I'm a non smoker)

And I think ex smokers are the worse at judging smokers. You used to do it yourself!

FiveFingerDeathPunch Thu 26-Jun-14 10:43:05

just ask her. no drama.
if she refuses, don't go there
I am a smoker, and if someone asked me( I would not puff round a child or non smoker)I would be happy to oblige
as long as they are polite of course

Crinkle77 Thu 26-Jun-14 10:32:49

I am a smoker but it never ceases to amaze me how other smokers think it is acceptable to smoke around children. I won't even smoke in front of my nieces even if we are outdoors because I don't want them to think it is acceptable. I know it is awkward but I would do what ms vestibule suggested.

MsVestibule Thu 26-Jun-14 10:30:30

If she wouldn't be offended, just ask her. Seriously. You'll feel awkward for about 1 minute, then she'll either say "Sorry, hadn't realised it was affecting you, if course I'll stop", or "Feck off, it's my house I'll do what I like." Sorted!

Fanfeckintastic Thu 26-Jun-14 10:26:29

See when I was pregnant with DD (and a COMPLETE non smoker) the doctor asked me towards the end of my pregnancy if I smoked, I was horrified but I had been caring for my mother who was dying of lung cancer and she smoked around me all the time in a small apartment (she was dying, I certainly wasn't going to broach that) but my placenta was affected by it sad

So I really do understand how dangerous passive smoking can be, I know 100% she wouldn't have a problem and definitely wouldn't be offended. It just seems unreasonable to actually ask someone what to do in their own home and how to word it. Awkward

KoalaDownUnder Thu 26-Jun-14 10:16:34

I'm an ex-smoker, and I just wouldn't be able to handle this. But my friends know that I'm not a rude person or a judgemental arsehole. So I'd tell the truth, in as nice & tactful a tone as I could:

'Hey, I feel awful even bringing this up, but since quitting myself, I seem to be really sensitive to passive smoking. Obviously I don't expect you not to smoke in your own house, but would you mind if we go somewhere we can sit outdoors?'

If she's a reasonable person, she'll understand and probably say no, come to mine and I'll go outside for fags.

I'd feel bloody awkward saying it, but the only other option would be not to see her - I couldn't subject myself to that, and certainly not my child.

mommy2ash Thu 26-Jun-14 10:13:12

if she is a good friend i would just be honest with her. of course it is her house but your sons health comes before her feelings. if she really wants to continue smoking in a confined space with children then i just wouldn't go over there any more.

i had a friend who did that and her children were constantly ill, they had asthma eczema and constant colds and chest infections. i didn't often go to her house but when i did and saw her smoking in front of the kids i pulled her on it. she claimed her doctor told her there was no link with smoking around children and health problems so it was fine to continue. i told her i wouldn't allow my dd in that environment so the choice was hers.

i grew up with parents that smoked all day long in a tiny house. i almost died multiple times from asthma attacks and even now im overly sensitive to the smell of smoke so i hate seeing it done to other kids now.

Idontseeanyicegiants Thu 26-Jun-14 10:12:11

Sorry, am an idiot. For some reason I thought she was at yours blush
Still YANBU although not sure how you would go about asking.

Idontseeanyicegiants Thu 26-Jun-14 10:10:58

YANBU, I smoke and have a strict no smoking inside policy for everyone who visits, rain or sunshine.

MsVestibule Thu 26-Jun-14 10:09:25

I think your friend is being incredibly inconsiderate. I'm not anti-smoking, I'm just anti-smoking-around-me-in-an-enclosed-environment. Smoking around children is even worse. Of course you can't tell her what she can do in her house, but you can refuse to go there.

She's still your friend though, so in an attempt to remain that way, I suggest you say something along the lines of "I know it's your house so I can't tell you what to do in it, but I really don't like sitting in such a smoky place. Would it be OK if you just came over to ours from now on?" Hopefully she'll realise what a selfish arse she's being and say "No problem, I'll just smoke outside at mine from now on."

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