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To ask friend to smoke outside while we're over? I probably am

(33 Posts)
Fanfeckintastic Thu 26-Jun-14 09:52:12

My friend and I have both recently been made redundant and spending a lot more time together with our children and in each others homes when we'd have previously spent time out on more organised "play dates" etc. My friend is a smoker (I'm an ex smoker, no big deal) but claimed not to smoke in her house but within a few days it's gone from having a little smoke standing at the window which I said "suuure, no problem" to sitting in the sitting room puffing at least fifteen in the time we're there. Our children are pre schoolers and I feel sick this morning with all the smoke in my lungs, her son has a constant cough and it's totally put me off going to her house now but I realize it's her house!!
She would much prefer our company and to smoke outside than us not coming over but how do I broach the subject? It's her house after all and I'm not a nazi ex smoker, it honestly just makes me feel ill and my mother died of lung cancer from smoking and I hate myself and my DD (and her son if I'm honest) being exposed to smoke in a small space.

MaidOfStars Thu 26-Jun-14 09:54:33

Can you not go to the park/for a walk/sit in the garden? Then wax lyrical about the lovely clean fresh air....

grobagsforever Thu 26-Jun-14 09:58:08

I'd ask her. Better than not seeing her.

Daisby Thu 26-Jun-14 09:59:05

It's her house, you can't make the rules. I'd be pretty pissed off if someone tried to tell me what to do in my house, and would probably suggest that they feck off to their own house tbh.

Having said that, it is a horrible atmosphere to sit in so why don't you suggest that you do outdoor stuff more often. You could develop a love of the outdoors ;) and if she wants to smoke then, well, fair enough. Or shopping and a coffee, soft play, swimming etc. Do activities other than sitting in the house, and if you have to sit in the house, make it yours?

Fanfeckintastic Thu 26-Jun-14 10:00:41

Thanks for the reply.
You see we live quite a bit away from each other so if we're out we do bring the children to parks, on their bikes etc but it's far handier to pop back in and let them play if the weather is bad/when they get fed up of the park etc.
She hasn't got a garden so we can't sit out there.

Latara Thu 26-Jun-14 10:01:49

Very difficult - I had a friend who did this and it was annoying. Especially when she smoked spliffs and I didn't want to go around stinking of cannabis.

YANBU - just ask her, if she's a good friend she'll understand. But it isn't easy thing to ask; I never asked my friend to stop smoking in her home.

At the end of the day she could just have the attitude that it's her home, her rules.

Fanfeckintastic Thu 26-Jun-14 10:02:15

Yeah we do loads of outdoor activities, soft play etc but as we've both been made redundant we're pretty strapped for cash.

Yeah I suppose just less hanging around the house in-between is probably the only solution.

WallyBantersJunkBox Thu 26-Jun-14 10:09:19

Can't she just come over to yours more, where you can ask her to pop outside?

I feel very sad that she is smoking in the house around her DC.

An expensive habit to have with redunancy too!

MsVestibule Thu 26-Jun-14 10:09:25

I think your friend is being incredibly inconsiderate. I'm not anti-smoking, I'm just anti-smoking-around-me-in-an-enclosed-environment. Smoking around children is even worse. Of course you can't tell her what she can do in her house, but you can refuse to go there.

She's still your friend though, so in an attempt to remain that way, I suggest you say something along the lines of "I know it's your house so I can't tell you what to do in it, but I really don't like sitting in such a smoky place. Would it be OK if you just came over to ours from now on?" Hopefully she'll realise what a selfish arse she's being and say "No problem, I'll just smoke outside at mine from now on."

Idontseeanyicegiants Thu 26-Jun-14 10:10:58

YANBU, I smoke and have a strict no smoking inside policy for everyone who visits, rain or sunshine.

Idontseeanyicegiants Thu 26-Jun-14 10:12:11

Sorry, am an idiot. For some reason I thought she was at yours blush
Still YANBU although not sure how you would go about asking.

mommy2ash Thu 26-Jun-14 10:13:12

if she is a good friend i would just be honest with her. of course it is her house but your sons health comes before her feelings. if she really wants to continue smoking in a confined space with children then i just wouldn't go over there any more.

i had a friend who did that and her children were constantly ill, they had asthma eczema and constant colds and chest infections. i didn't often go to her house but when i did and saw her smoking in front of the kids i pulled her on it. she claimed her doctor told her there was no link with smoking around children and health problems so it was fine to continue. i told her i wouldn't allow my dd in that environment so the choice was hers.

i grew up with parents that smoked all day long in a tiny house. i almost died multiple times from asthma attacks and even now im overly sensitive to the smell of smoke so i hate seeing it done to other kids now.

KoalaDownUnder Thu 26-Jun-14 10:16:34

I'm an ex-smoker, and I just wouldn't be able to handle this. But my friends know that I'm not a rude person or a judgemental arsehole. So I'd tell the truth, in as nice & tactful a tone as I could:

'Hey, I feel awful even bringing this up, but since quitting myself, I seem to be really sensitive to passive smoking. Obviously I don't expect you not to smoke in your own house, but would you mind if we go somewhere we can sit outdoors?'

If she's a reasonable person, she'll understand and probably say no, come to mine and I'll go outside for fags.

I'd feel bloody awkward saying it, but the only other option would be not to see her - I couldn't subject myself to that, and certainly not my child.

Fanfeckintastic Thu 26-Jun-14 10:26:29

See when I was pregnant with DD (and a COMPLETE non smoker) the doctor asked me towards the end of my pregnancy if I smoked, I was horrified but I had been caring for my mother who was dying of lung cancer and she smoked around me all the time in a small apartment (she was dying, I certainly wasn't going to broach that) but my placenta was affected by it sad

So I really do understand how dangerous passive smoking can be, I know 100% she wouldn't have a problem and definitely wouldn't be offended. It just seems unreasonable to actually ask someone what to do in their own home and how to word it. Awkward

MsVestibule Thu 26-Jun-14 10:30:30

If she wouldn't be offended, just ask her. Seriously. You'll feel awkward for about 1 minute, then she'll either say "Sorry, hadn't realised it was affecting you, if course I'll stop", or "Feck off, it's my house I'll do what I like." Sorted!

Crinkle77 Thu 26-Jun-14 10:32:49

I am a smoker but it never ceases to amaze me how other smokers think it is acceptable to smoke around children. I won't even smoke in front of my nieces even if we are outdoors because I don't want them to think it is acceptable. I know it is awkward but I would do what ms vestibule suggested.

FiveFingerDeathPunch Thu 26-Jun-14 10:43:05

just ask her. no drama.
if she refuses, don't go there
I am a smoker, and if someone asked me( I would not puff round a child or non smoker)I would be happy to oblige
as long as they are polite of course

FreeSpirit89 Thu 26-Jun-14 10:44:02

YABU - her house, her rules.

Is be annoyed if someone told me I couldn't smoke in my house. (I'm a non smoker)

And I think ex smokers are the worse at judging smokers. You used to do it yourself!

WorraLiberty Thu 26-Jun-14 10:46:42

Invite her to your home and ask her to smoke outside

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 26-Jun-14 10:50:54

Just tell her! You don't have to ask her not to smoke, but tell her you're sorry but you don't want you or your kids around smoking indoors so can you please meet in the park or whatever. She will either agree, or offer to smoke outside while you are there. You might even cause her to think twice about smoking around her kids.

LeBearPolar Thu 26-Jun-14 10:54:02

TBH, my priority would be protecting my child's health. I certainly wouldn't prioritise the possibility of hurting someone's feelings over that.

It's up to her what she does in her house but I don't understand why you're so much more worried about upsetting her than you are about your DD's little lungs. confused

In this situation, I would tell my friend that I was happy to meet outside or in my house (no smoking) but that I'd prefer my DC not to be exposed to passive smoking inside.

Fanfeckintastic Thu 26-Jun-14 11:26:00

freespirit it doesn't even seem you've read my post correctly at all.

Okay definitely going to say something, not ask her not to but suggest we come here in future as I have a balcony for her to smoke on.

starfishmummy Thu 26-Jun-14 11:39:16

I am a non smoker (never have) and I wouldn't like it either. On the other hand if I was asked to not do something in my own house - even something hazardous to health - then the person doing the asking would not be coming back.

BlondePieceOffFluff Thu 26-Jun-14 11:50:55

YANBU - Just be honest and polite. Your DD's health, and your own, is more important than not wanting to offend.

KirjavaTheCat Thu 26-Jun-14 11:55:34

Is there an outdoor space you can all sit in?

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