I needed to get this off my chest or I am going to combust with a mixture of shame , excitement and horror.
Long story short, duh and I have been together nearly ten years, four of which have been hell due to dh having bipolar and anger issues from a horrible childhood. He had a nervous breakdown three years ago and I never got him back, he became verbally abusive when on a low amd manic hyper talking a thousand miles a minute and can never concentrate long enough to hear what I have to say or is constantly interrupting me as he will forget what he has to say, he became highly paranoid and stopped going out, washing or making an effort he also has an addictive personality and has some drug issues.
I have supported him and took on all the daily jobs including care of our son and building a business after I lost my job when I caled in sick because he was on one.
He became increasingly critical even pulling me up for using big words and paranoid , thinks I am playing mind games etc
Last argument we had was a nasty one and it culminated with me telling him if he didn't get help it was over for good, I am mentally financially and physically exhausted and the last straw was him saying some really horrible things durin this last depressive phase.
he is now in hospital after not being able to shake off suicidal feelings and is accepting all the help he is offered but it's becoming more and more apparent he needs something to get him through the day and I can't bear the thought of the next forty years being me trying to handle his addictions and paranoia.
If you are wondering why I stuck it out so long there is a whole lot of good in him and he has tried hard, quit alcohol taught himself how to calm down when he felt the anger rising but there was something out of his control which he admitted to me the night before he went to hospital.
I saw this as a turning point for us and was happy to finally get some peace from the constant negative talk and stories of childhood trauma I may sound horrible but when I say constant I mean imagine being stuck in a house with someone telli g you the same awful stories again and again day after day .
So my friends pulled together got me doing something I had wanted to in a long time and I felt like myself again for the first time in a long time
What I did not count on was having an incredibly strong attraction to the man in front of me without even seeing his face, it was like a magnet pulling me in, we got paired up for a team building Excercise and we were instant friends , as the night progressed i felt like I was talking to a male version of me and had a feeling I could trust him with my life. There was no flirting just this instant connection like we had known each other forever and he is my type in every single way that matters. He knows of my situation and we have agreed to be friends but we do fancy each other and have met up once (again as friends but the connection is undeniably there) he makes me feel like I could have fun again and is so encouraging about my dreams etc and gets me Like no one else not even my best friend.
The reason I feel sick is before this I would have waited for my husband to get better and see what happened with us , but now I have had a taste of what is like to be with someone who want everything I want from life and what it feels like to have fun again with someone who wants to have fun with me not just go along with it and not really get into it. Some of the things he has said to me is word for word how I feel about things myself which left me :0
I am not a cheat and have not been attracted to anyone since I met dh so this is a new and uncomfortable feeling.
Dh has cut off his family who are a bunch of psychos and narcissists (no exaggeration) and has only me and ds he is excited for the future but to be honest there has been so much damage done (the verbal abuse is hard to forget) and even dh says he doesn't think he can ever be the truly good husband and father he should be but is getting counselling etc because he wants to change.
Half of me thinks forget about this new person I shouldn't be friends with someone when we both fancy each other like mad and have a connection it's just not fair to dh but the other part of me thinks fuck that it's about time I had some happiness and I am loathe to cut him off as I can't ignore the feeling we were meant to meet even if it's just to be friends.
Sorry for rambling , I hate myself right now this is so unlike me and my family will just go all over dramatic and accuse me of all sorts if I talk to them.
Need advice desperately
AIBU?
To feel sick an hate myself right now
Rosenrot30 · 25/06/2014 16:24
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