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To feel sick an hate myself right now

(90 Posts)
Rosenrot30 Wed 25-Jun-14 16:24:04

I needed to get this off my chest or I am going to combust with a mixture of shame , excitement and horror.

Long story short, duh and I have been together nearly ten years, four of which have been hell due to dh having bipolar and anger issues from a horrible childhood. He had a nervous breakdown three years ago and I never got him back, he became verbally abusive when on a low amd manic hyper talking a thousand miles a minute and can never concentrate long enough to hear what I have to say or is constantly interrupting me as he will forget what he has to say, he became highly paranoid and stopped going out, washing or making an effort he also has an addictive personality and has some drug issues.

I have supported him and took on all the daily jobs including care of our son and building a business after I lost my job when I caled in sick because he was on one.

He became increasingly critical even pulling me up for using big words and paranoid , thinks I am playing mind games etc

Last argument we had was a nasty one and it culminated with me telling him if he didn't get help it was over for good, I am mentally financially and physically exhausted and the last straw was him saying some really horrible things durin this last depressive phase.

he is now in hospital after not being able to shake off suicidal feelings and is accepting all the help he is offered but it's becoming more and more apparent he needs something to get him through the day and I can't bear the thought of the next forty years being me trying to handle his addictions and paranoia.

If you are wondering why I stuck it out so long there is a whole lot of good in him and he has tried hard, quit alcohol taught himself how to calm down when he felt the anger rising but there was something out of his control which he admitted to me the night before he went to hospital.

I saw this as a turning point for us and was happy to finally get some peace from the constant negative talk and stories of childhood trauma I may sound horrible but when I say constant I mean imagine being stuck in a house with someone telli g you the same awful stories again and again day after day .

So my friends pulled together got me doing something I had wanted to in a long time and I felt like myself again for the first time in a long time

What I did not count on was having an incredibly strong attraction to the man in front of me without even seeing his face, it was like a magnet pulling me in, we got paired up for a team building Excercise and we were instant friends , as the night progressed i felt like I was talking to a male version of me and had a feeling I could trust him with my life. There was no flirting just this instant connection like we had known each other forever and he is my type in every single way that matters. He knows of my situation and we have agreed to be friends but we do fancy each other and have met up once (again as friends but the connection is undeniably there) he makes me feel like I could have fun again and is so encouraging about my dreams etc and gets me Like no one else not even my best friend.

The reason I feel sick is before this I would have waited for my husband to get better and see what happened with us , but now I have had a taste of what is like to be with someone who want everything I want from life and what it feels like to have fun again with someone who wants to have fun with me not just go along with it and not really get into it. Some of the things he has said to me is word for word how I feel about things myself which left me :0

I am not a cheat and have not been attracted to anyone since I met dh so this is a new and uncomfortable feeling.

Dh has cut off his family who are a bunch of psychos and narcissists (no exaggeration) and has only me and ds he is excited for the future but to be honest there has been so much damage done (the verbal abuse is hard to forget) and even dh says he doesn't think he can ever be the truly good husband and father he should be but is getting counselling etc because he wants to change.

Half of me thinks forget about this new person I shouldn't be friends with someone when we both fancy each other like mad and have a connection it's just not fair to dh but the other part of me thinks fuck that it's about time I had some happiness and I am loathe to cut him off as I can't ignore the feeling we were meant to meet even if it's just to be friends.

Sorry for rambling , I hate myself right now this is so unlike me and my family will just go all over dramatic and accuse me of all sorts if I talk to them.

Need advice desperately

moominmarvellous Wed 25-Jun-14 16:36:20

I think the guy you've met is a bit of a secondary issue. It sounds as though you've been unhappy for a long time (understandably so) and realised you need your own life. In your shoes I'd be tempted to make a break from DH.

I probably sound heartless, but life's too short. If he has problem after problem and going back to square one, he sounds like a sinking ship that's just going to take you down with him.

CoolCat2014 Wed 25-Jun-14 16:44:28

I think your post might do better in the relationships forum.

Don't feel disgusted at yourself, you haven't actually done anything with this other guy, but I do think you need to really think through what you want to do here. You've been having a bit of a rubbish time with your DH, so any nice guy is going to seem very attractive, and I think it's natural (though not necessarily right) to wonder what life would be like if you left DH and went off with the other guy.

I think you are right when you say it would be difficult to just be friends with this other guy - I think when things go wrong in our relationships it's all too easy to find comfort and solace in the attentions of another that we at attracted to... But if the attraction is there it wouldn't take much to go from comfort to love to more...

I guess the question is do you want to see things through with DH? That's a terribly tough decision to make when he is so ill, but what were your vows when you got married?

I really hope you can make the decision that brings you peace, and moreover that your husband comes back to full health!

hellskitty Wed 25-Jun-14 16:46:49

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Alisvolatpropiis Wed 25-Jun-14 16:50:36

Way too harsh hell!

To be honest op, I'd have left him by now, were I in your shoes.

You sound as though you have been unhappy for a long time.

The other man is a secondary issue. I think you need to leave your DH.

squoosh Wed 25-Jun-14 16:53:15

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squoosh Wed 25-Jun-14 16:54:31

I think you would be better off moving this to Relationships too OP. It sounds like an emotionally draining situation and you have nothing but my utmost sympathy.

Chocotrekkie Wed 25-Jun-14 16:54:59

It seems to me that if you are going to break up with him to me it would be better to do it while he is in hospital.

Speak to his main doctor/nurse and let them know.

They will be able to look out for him/care for him properly.
Rather than him being at home on his own to process it.

I would forget about the other man for now - focus on you in the mean time and truly take stock of your life ? Do you want to be with your DH or not ?

Can you get away on your own for a few days and really think about what you want and where you want to be in the future with no distractions etc.

Rosenrot30 Wed 25-Jun-14 16:56:37

He has took me down with him I am not the person I used to be , I didn't realise that until he left for hospital and I have had some peace and quiet. No negativity no husband sitting on the couch looking miserable while I bust myself doing everything , it's just the days I get him back (how he was three years ) ago are so amazing I feel it could all work out, then after a while he cycles back to being depressed again, he really did have a horrific childhood and I have witnessed first hand what his parents are capable of so in a way I don't blame him and he holds responsibility for what he has said /done when he is thinking straight however on a bad day he projects everything on to me and I'm exhausted with it all, I even started to hate him during arguments because I was getting weeks of bliss just to have it ripped away whenever something happens he can't deal with , he is incapable of work and needs to constantly having fun in order to distract himself from reality but he was getting better and i could see he was makng a big effort , If it weren't for the fact he is trying hard to change where he is (all staff have commented on how much he wants to be there ) and we have a ds who loves him very much I would leave , I was ready to before he went in , Im so confused.

WeirdCatLady Wed 25-Jun-14 16:58:13

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nostress Wed 25-Jun-14 16:59:01

I think you should get out too. Actually I cant help thinking it would be best for the DC too. I would keep away from the new man and just find yourself/regroup and take a deep breath before you progress onto another relationship. Ill health is one thing but abusive behaviour is not acceptable.

Nomama Wed 25-Jun-14 17:03:10

moomin's right, that man is not your problem. The way you feel, and have ignored your feelings, is the problem.

Yeah we get the sickness and in health bit, but when you step past the end of your tether you have to acknowledge it - or you and your DC may never recover any semblance of normality.

That leaves you with a dilemma - not about the bloke who you will quite correctly ignore for the forseeable, he is not an answer, just showing you a symptom. You have to decide, almost in cold blood, what is best for you and your DC.

If it leaving DH to fend for himself, then remember he will get medical care and once you make that decision you CANNOT look back. If you make him start that journey you can't hold out false hope by being nice - take all the advice you can get form his care team.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do (but not that bloke, you'll regret it, it will make you feel 'less than')

Rosenrot30 Wed 25-Jun-14 17:13:37

Hells kitty if you had any idea of what I have been through the past few years you would take that all back , but that's ok some people like to just dive right in and attack and I'm not looking for a pat on the back just advice. Take your anger issues else where please.

In sickness and in health kind of becomes a secondary issue when you are trying to protect your child from a highly overprotective and paranoid parent. My child comes before my vows and I have given (literally ) everything to save this marriage even when everyone told me I should leave when it took a huge toll on my health (I became suicidal at one point myself )

I am not going to cheat but it has made me realise we may not be as compatible as I once thought and if anyone has not put the effort in til now it's dh He wants someone to wave a magic wand and make it all right or blames everyone he has grown up with for making him this way
, he has never been violent physically but it has been implied through smashing things and slamming doors etc then cries feeling ashamed says he can't help it or if he is really bad blames me.

And for the record he was going to kill himself and leave me with ds on my own , not before he lay the blame at my door and his parents. (he is right with his parents)

Just want to say dh recognises this is sick and learned behaviour and did not want to subject me or ds to it any longer,

CoffeeTea103 Wed 25-Jun-14 17:27:09

Op yanbu to feel the way you do. I really do feel sorry for you. It must be so exhausting being with someone like this, you begin to lose yourself. Don't feel ashamed, you haven't done anything wrong. I agree with other posters who say it's time to leave the relationship for the sake of yourself and your dc.

Rosenrot30 Wed 25-Jun-14 17:41:17

I think I need to wait it out for now and take the time to see what happens, I truly believe dh wants to sort himself out, he is there voluntarily and he is adamant he will not come back to the family home until he well enough in his head . We have both been trying to get him the help he needs for years and all vpeople can see is his good looks and smart clothes, they tell him to get over it buck up his ideas etc and the whole time we have been saying its bipolar you can't shake off bipolar . We have begged all the experts to reasses him , his meds etc and we have been passed from pillar to post until disaster happened . The man he is now is not the man he really is amd when the good stuff is out we are a perfectly happy family and he is a kind caring patient man (although recently the good times just give me anxiety attacks) it's basically like living with two completely different people and both of us knew our family couldn't carry on like this.

FunLovinBunster Wed 25-Jun-14 18:00:42

I would instigate divorce proceedings.
You have to save yourself. Cos no one else will...

Rosenrot30 Wed 25-Jun-14 18:02:57

The reason this man is different is I have never felt anything like it, it's like we were instant best friends , I feel like he can see right into my mind we connect so well, I would not even be thinking of this if I didn't have a very deep feeling we were meant to meet but not neccassrily romantically , he is going through his own stuff and I have been honest from the start what I am going through . We seem to be the only people who understand what the other is going through and can be totally honest with each other even if it's not pretty. I have never had this connection with a stranger before and I feel very happy and comfortable around him. After everything I am loathe to give that up , that's why I feel so bad it's so unfair on dh and just not like me at all.

KirjavaTheCat Wed 25-Jun-14 18:20:03

I think, for your own sanity and your children, you need to step away.

It's obvious you care about him. Remain friends, be there for him, support him through his recovery but don't sacrifice anything more than you already have. Your children need you strong and happy.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 25-Jun-14 18:23:23

Honestly nobody (except hellskitty hmm) would judge you for leaving him.

You've tried, your op makes it clear you have. It is also clear you care for him. But you deserve to be happy yourself, your children have grown up with this, they would want happiness for you.

Whatamessiamin Wed 25-Jun-14 18:30:03

Just to let you know that I am going through exactly the same as you. I'm taking my partner to therapy for the first time tomorrow. It can be hell on earth sometimes. Mine has PTSD and unmedicated bipolar! I know exactly what you are going through.

Marcipex Wed 25-Jun-14 18:35:48

It sounds awful for you. You need to leave, make a new life for yourself and your DS, because if you don't look after yourself, no one else will.

Your DH can't do it, your DS can't do it, only you can.

If the new friend is anything like as great as you think, he will wait for you to sort your life and see what happens. But, honestly, I think your great unhappiness is colouring your vision of this man.

MissBattleaxe Wed 25-Jun-14 18:37:26

OP- you have done your best and then some. Many people would have left long before. It's Ok to say enough is enough. Don't sacrifice any chance of happiness you have just out of a sense of duty.

Ignore hellskitty- this is not Victorian times. If you are miserable, it's OK to leave a marriage when you have given it your all. Your mental health is at serious risk, so get out while you can. You owe it to your kids. They need at least one of you to be a positive role model.

I wish you the best thanks

TheSameBoat Wed 25-Jun-14 18:41:26

OP, grab some happiness while you can.

FloozeyLoozey Wed 25-Jun-14 18:42:34

Hellskitty what a vile post. Truly awful judgement from you there.

Op I have no useful advice but I just wanted to say you are certainly not a bad person, you sound like a very good one who has suffered for a long time and your situation is completely understandable. X

Rosenrot30 Wed 25-Jun-14 18:43:38

Thank you so much everyone for the support, I have been driving myself round the bend. Dh has suggested a few times I leave , that he may never be normal and doesn't want to cause any more carnage , however there is still a deep love between us and that's why we have stuck it out so long , I think it's going to be a long road for him and we just have to take the time to see where things go, one thing I have learned in life is what is meant to will be and not to rush any major decisions .

Whatamessiam I truly feel for you and your partner, no one understands the rollercoasters it can be as well as what it is like for a person to have no control over their emotions or to be the one at the receiving end of it all, I hope it all goes well for you both x

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