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To not want this DV victim staying with us any longer

(467 Posts)
Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 14:43:52

Last Sunday DH received a phone call from an acquaintance (not a friend) asking could we give him a bed for a couple of nights til he sorted himself out as he had been battered (again) by his partner and thrown out of her home. He said he was desperate as he has no family anymore since his mum died and he became estranged from his sibling.

DH said that it would be ok with him but he would have to run it by me first. I said ok as it was an emergency and DH felt really sorry for this guy. He has known him for many years as they attend the same cricket club.

I have 3 DC and each have their own bedroom.
DD2 was staying with a friend over the weekend so we went into her room and cleaned it out and made it up for this guy.
The guy arrived at our house Sunday evening while we were having a barbecue. He seemed quite shaken up and upset.
I told him that DD2 was away for the weekend but she would be back Monday and she would have to share a bed with 5yo DS temporarily until she got her room back. DD was fine about this.

The guy has so far stayed with us for 3 nights.

He put his name down for a council house on Monday - 12 month waiting list he was told. He works for an employment agency so DH says he will struggle to get a private rental. Also he has no savings and no transport. He is in a mess.

However, last night he text DH to say that he had some good news and that he would tell him about it when he got back to our house last night.
I went to bed at 10 and DH stayed up and waited for this guy to come back with his 'good news'

DH told me this morning that the guy had met with a private LL who had an upstairs flat but a man was living in it at the moment but as the current tenant was on the dole he would give him his 4weeks notice to leave.
The guy paid a deposit to this heartless LL and asked DH if he could stay with us for 4 more weeks. DH said no but he could stay for one week.
I told DD this morning and she said he can fuck off I want my room back now! Arrrgghh! What are we gunna do? I don't really want to boot him out on to the street!

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 15:27:11

I have already refused for our living room to be used as a bedroom. That is our living space. We have also refused to accept any money from this man as we want him to use his money to get himself somewhere.
I'm actually feeling less compassionate today though because of the jobless man being made homeless!

PrincessBabyCat Wed 25-Jun-14 15:27:44

She is 21 and she was fine to let this stranger have her room for a couple of nights.

Well that makes it much different. I think quite a few of us were expecting a closer age gap to the 5 year old. smile

No, she should not be giving up her room if she doesn't want to. Starting tonight he should be sleeping on the couch.

VeryStressedMum Wed 25-Jun-14 15:27:47

The problem is he is not even a friend just an aquaintance from the cricket club. Wondering why this man called your dh and not one of his actual friends? Maybe they have been here before with this man...?

CanaryYellow Wed 25-Jun-14 15:27:59

A couple of nights is 2 nights.

He's not family, he's not a friend, he's an acquaintance. Your DH has told him he can say a week so I do think at this point you should let him stay the week, on the couch or a blow up bed in the lounge.

A week is plenty of time to sort himself out with a room in a shared house.

VeryStressedMum Wed 25-Jun-14 15:28:47

So it's actually very nice of your whole family to do this for someone you don't know very well.

ComposHat Wed 25-Jun-14 15:32:26

Well tell your daughter that you will adjust her contribution to the rent/mortgage downwards for a few weeks whilst she is sharing with her sibling.

It might serve as a gentle reminder that as you and her father are responsible for the financial and practical upkeep of the house you decide who stays in which room.

littleducks Wed 25-Jun-14 15:34:08

Can you write a letter saying you don't want him to stay with you anymore to the council? So he is classed as homeless?

As a single man he isn't their prioeity but maybe they could find him a room in a flat share or something to rent

unrealhousewife Wed 25-Jun-14 15:38:50

Get your daughter to ask him to leave!

Or get him to pay for a sofa bed chair in the living room.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 15:41:05

verystressedmum. That is exactly what has been going through my mind this last couple of days!
I am starting to think I was BU to have said yes now but DH said he was so desperate, it was an emergency so I didn't really have time to think about it. I thought it would be just a couple of nights. I didn't realise that he would struggle so much to get somewhere to live.

WorraLiberty Wed 25-Jun-14 15:45:56

Why doesn't your DD share with her sister instead?

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 15:48:24

It takes longer than 4 weeks to evict someone.

He'll be there for yonks.

He needs to find somewhere else to go and a week is more than generous.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 15:52:30

Haha! Thanks for the suggestion worraliberty but my DDs get on fine at the moment. They would however kill one another if they had to share a room again!

But little DS is loving the novelty of sharing with his big sister so at least he is happy smile

Takingthemickey Wed 25-Jun-14 15:55:17

It is easy to say what you would do isn't it. OP and her family have been quite generous and helpful to a man who is virtually a stranger to them. A stranger who is now looking for open-ended help. Pls don't minimise or disparage what help OP and her family have rendered simply cos they don't want to continue. It is for each individual to determine the level of assistance they can render.

If you feel you can do more pls PM the OP with your details.

Zucker Wed 25-Jun-14 15:59:44

Love all the lovely generous people on this thread who don't actually have to give up anything or put themselves out in any way, judging the OPs daughter for getting in a snit about losing her room for god knows how long!

Why should the daughter ask him to leave, her father invited this man into their house and gave him her room.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 25-Jun-14 16:00:22

Is a section 8 notice being served? If so, it'll be two weeks. If it's section 21 it will take 8 weeks.

I wouldn't be particularly pleased if I was your daughter either.

Why can't he sleep on the sofa?

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:01:41

No sympathy at all for the man who will be made homeless on top of being unemployed, either. Nice.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 25-Jun-14 16:03:08

I'm confused as to why you had him stay in your daughters room. At 21 she is at least at uni if not in full time employment? Surely your son's room would have been more appropriate.

Mozzereena Wed 25-Jun-14 16:03:43

He can't sleep on the sofa because we won't allow it.

Floggingmolly Wed 25-Jun-14 16:03:49

Why does the fact that he works in an employment agency preclude him renting privately??

restandpeace Wed 25-Jun-14 16:03:59

Your dd sounds a charm

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:05:00

But it's okay to kick your daughter out.

A week is plenty of time.

I wouldn't want an acquaintance staying that long at all under any circumstance.

Alisvolatpropiis Wed 25-Jun-14 16:05:24

Won't allow it as in - don't trust him downstairs in your house?

AnyFucker Wed 25-Jun-14 16:05:51

OP doesn't want him on the sofa and I don't blame her. Living spaces are just that.

Does he have any inroads into where he was living with his violent partner ? Name on the rent/mortgage ? In which case, he needs to take the advice given to all abused women and get professional help/legal advice.

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jun-14 16:07:17

A week means he has to leave by Sunday. Plenty reasonable. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

WooWooOwl Wed 25-Jun-14 16:09:00

I think your dd has a fair point, I wouldn't want someone to take over my bed for a month either.

You need to give him a week tops, so that he knows he has to be out by a certain date. The ll is unlikely to get someone out straight away with the way he's handling it, so the month could drag on for six weeks then two months, and you will never get rid of him.

He has a job, he will be able to rent a room in a B&B at least. It's not your problem, you've done all you need to for the sake of kindness already.

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