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To be a bit upset a guy I liked, but didn't really fancy, has just dumped me by text?

(31 Posts)
Scarletohello Tue 24-Jun-14 18:26:00

Ok I met a guy online a couple of weeks ago. When we first met I didn't really fancy him but he was very intelligent, and honest and seemed to be quite emotionally aware ( unlike most guys I meet). I was prepared to give him a chance so invited him to mine for dinner the week after. Every day after the first date he'd send me a text asking me how I was. We had a lovely dinner, he brought wine, flowers and a dessert. We had great conversation and he went home at midnight. I said I was really looking forward to getting to know him better but wanted to take it slow.

So I got a text from him today saying he'd met someone on Plenty of Fish at the weekend and wanted to pursue that and ' hoped I'd understand!' And that he ' had to follow his heart'. Ok I know people multi date on the internet but he'd lead me to think that he really liked me and had offered to do some work around the house for me ( I hadn't asked, he'd offered )

I wasn't sure about I felt about him, I liked him a log but wasn't very sexually attracted to him. Was a bit gobsmacked today tho when I got his message as I thought he liked me. Is he just fickle and am I best out of it?

Also, I didn't really find him sexually attractive and tbh feel a bit affronted that a man who isn't very physically attractive, has rejected me ( superficial I know, but just taps into previous rejections from men...)

CatKisser Tue 24-Jun-14 18:29:58

Ah come on, you know he's been fair and honest!
He could have strung you along and kept you on the back burner in case this one didn't work out.
And the attractiveness thing is just your wounded pride talking!

Sorry though, always shit to be dumped. wine

TheCraicDealer Tue 24-Jun-14 18:30:16

Maybe he knew you weren't that keen on him and decided to just focus on something that might be a winner?

You could've easily fallen into something because 'he's nice', 'he's emotionally intelligent', blah blah blah, then four years later people start asking when you're getting married. And suddenly forever starts to look like a very, very long time. Count yourself lucky!

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 24-Jun-14 18:31:09

YANBU. It's always horrible to be rejected! It's almost worse when you were feeling a bit sorry for them first.

I think it is a good thing though. Sounds to me like he was romancing you to have no strings sex, and then decided not to pursue things when he realised you would make him wait.

He doesn't really sound like a catch and when you find 'the one' you will be pleased you weren't wasting your time with someone average who you didn't fancy.

Don't settle! When the right person comes along you will know. smile

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Tue 24-Jun-14 18:31:41

X post

sharonthewaspandthewineywall Tue 24-Jun-14 18:32:20

I remember feeling exactly the same about a guy years back. In fact I still think 'but he was ugly- how dare he turn me down!!' 14 years later!!

Scarletohello Tue 24-Jun-14 18:36:59

Thanks for the replies! Was thinking after I posted this that I would get flamed for being arrogant. Am really not, just a bit bewildered about what's happened. I know people aren't all they seem on the internet but to go from ' you're so lovely,, to 4 days later, I've met the love of my life on POF seems a bit disengenuous. Maybe he wasn't that attracted to me either and this was his way of saying it....

DoJo Tue 24-Jun-14 18:39:21

If you had had a date with someone you really clicked with since you dinner, would you not have done the same thing? It sounds like he's nice enough to be honest and not string you along 'just in case', whereas you didn't really see the relationship going anywhere but still wanted to see him because of this very niceness.

It's unfortunate, but if he's a nice chap then doesn't he deserve to have a relationship with someone who appreciates all his charms?

Scarletohello Tue 24-Jun-14 18:44:20

Dojo, fair enough, I'm probably being a bit ' dog in the manger' about it. I wondered if he could grow on me over time, as people you meet in the real world tend to. Problem with OD is that there's no time to let a real relationship develop. Just fed up of kissing frogs... sad

Surely you wouldn't hang around someone you knew didn't fancy you, would you? Why humiliate yourself? He did the right thing.

HoneyBooBooChild Tue 24-Jun-14 18:52:47

OP if you didn't fancy him at first sight, I don't think you ever would have. I've been in your position and felt outraged that someone who was,in my opinion, less attractive than me turned me down! I think I just liked the attention. Looking back, he was a dog and I definitely was not attracted to him. It's just nice to feel wanted. Have a glass of wine and get searching online for your next man! wine

Thenapoleonofcrime Tue 24-Jun-14 18:53:29

This guy has done nothing wrong! That's what dating is- an opportunity to find out if you would like to get to know each other better. You didn't really fancy him, perhaps he picked up on that vibe or just met someone who he suited better. He was a gentleman, brought flowers, was nice, texted a lot and let you know immediately that he wasn't available. You tested the water with each other and its not going to work out, no harm done.

Sorry, it hurts to be rejected, I feel your pain and it's always a bit insulting when someone dumps you, even if you weren't 100% sure about them. But he hasn't done anything wrong in this scenario.

Scarletohello Tue 24-Jun-14 18:54:15

I just wasn't sure which is why I wanted more time. I've often met people in real life when I've only realised I liked them over time. But in OD you don't have that luxury. It's v superficial.

Rainbunny Tue 24-Jun-14 18:57:16

I hate being dumped, even when I wasn't into the other person. Honestly it sounds like he was being decent and probably he had noticed the lack of chemistry between you both too.

If you like him as a friend why don't you reach out to him and be honest, say how much you like his company but you were feeling more of a friend vibe as well, so why don't you both be friends? You have nothing to lose.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 24-Jun-14 19:03:39

He sounds like a decent, nice guy who was honest enough to not string you along. It's a shame though that it was a superficial fault you found in him, he probably picked that up.

Tangerinefairy Tue 24-Jun-14 19:13:18

I was in a similar situation as this guy about 10 years ago. I'd met someone online and had been chatting with them happily for a couple of weeks, only met once which was nice. A nice woman (both of us are women), no spark but good company, I thought "you never know". She went awol for a week, literally heard nothing from her, apparently she was ill poor thing. In the meantime I started chatting to my now DW and the spark was there from even before we met. We've been together ever since. Much better that he let you know, it does smart I know but you'll forget about it soon.

Scarletohello Tue 24-Jun-14 19:25:35

Good advice all. I guess there's just something inside me screaming, what did she have that I didn't..??

ilovesprouts Tue 24-Jun-14 19:31:04

I met a man on pof in November not far from where I live dumped me in march ,as he says he dint know what he wants got back together april now hes don't the same again and same reason too ,now he txt me to say he was dating someone I was like wtf angry so heartbroken too sad

Deftones Tue 24-Jun-14 19:35:06

I hate being rejected! It's a crappy feeling but you'll get over it.

onwards and upwards. There are plenty of frogs but there are some great folk online! Keep your chin up

Cheepypeepy Tue 24-Jun-14 19:37:17

totally understand, in the many mainly single years nothing was as soul destroying as being dumped by someone I was kind of settling for in the first place - it happened a fair few times as I was in the kiss and the rest many frogs attitude - and as this was also pre internet dating I had to style it out amongst my friends as well!!

but in the long run we weren´t clicking, and they had probably picked that up, and moving on created space for me to meet lovely DP and have my lovely DC smile

Greenwayslide Tue 24-Jun-14 19:40:44

You said he is very emotionally aware maybe he picked up on the fact you didn't find him attractive?

Thenapoleonofcrime Tue 24-Jun-14 19:40:46

I don't really agree that this one would have been a grower. Many things can grow on you- someone's personality, their life circumstances which may be different than you imagined, their sense of humour but I'm not sure if you really didn't feel any spark at all, or any sexual attraction after two dates, it's worth pursuing anyway.

You mentioned in your OP that you didn't fancy him or find him sexually attractive three times. I'm kind of guessing he felt that and your stuff about 'going slow' may have been interpreted that way for him.

I think it's natural to feel a pang of 'why not me' but realistically, you didn't fancy the guy, why keep going?!

someonestolemynick Tue 24-Jun-14 19:52:49

I spent 4 years with someone I wasn't attracted to because he was nice and amazing company.

I ended up breaking off our engagement 4 years later...when I really clicked with another guy (who is also really attractive). The thing is he never got more attractive to me, but I felt worse and worse for wanting to end because of how VERY nice he was.

Had I just womaned up 4 years earlier, done the right thing and dumped him. I would have been deeply offended, had he dumped me because xp IS ugly. But it would have also saved us a lot of heartbreak.

It's for the better, he wouldn't have grown on you. And a bruised ego is a lot easier to recover from than a broken heart.

whatever5 Tue 24-Jun-14 20:06:35

I don't know why people date/go out with someone they don't fancy- life is too short. It also a bit daft to think that someone will fancy you because you're more physically attractive than they are. It doesn't work like that. No doubt there wasn't much chemistry between the two of you and he felt it as much as you.

DoJo Tue 24-Jun-14 23:39:44

Good advice all. I guess there's just something inside me screaming, what did she have that I didn't..??

Lower standards! That's all you need to tell yourself! grin

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