While we're on the subject of child maintenance. How many would admit to living with a DP who doesn't pay it?

[WorraLiberty]

I'm just curious that's all.

It's quite common to read that a lot of MNetters don't receive any maintenance for their kids.

Yet it's also quite common to read that MNetters DPs do pay maintenance for their kids.

So AIBU to wonder why there is such a discrepancy? Or is there something I've (quite possibly!) overlooked?

Is there a chance that some men are claiming they do pay their exes when they actually don't...and that their new DPs are non the wiser?

[fedupbutfine]

I think my ex is such a man, worra. I don't know, but I can guess. He wouldn't want people to think of him as the kind of person who doesn't support his children. He goes to great lengths to re-write history and a move post-divorce (by about 300 miles) means that there is no one around to challenge what he says because he has a totally new life. He would also make up some crap about not wanting a joint bank account ('loss of personal identity') so a new partner would be non the wiser. Yes, I support my children. Why would you question it?

[ElizaDolittle2]

My DP does pay and much more than CSA amount

His ex however withdraws contact and uses the children as pawns

[WorraLiberty]

fedupbutfine I think we may have married and divorced the same man

That's exactly what my ex is like. I'm quite sure that no-one in his close circle of friends thinks he wouldn't support his kids, yet he absolutely doesn't.

[fedupbutfine]

lol worra, they're all the same man. It takes a certain type. It's not an 'all sorts' kind of world when it comes to non -payment of maintenance!

[seasidesally]

this will be a short thread me thinks

its a bit like asking on here how many parents admit their child is a nightmare on their scooter on the school run,running into peoples ankles etc

[WorraLiberty]

Yeah, fair point actually sally!!

I thought perhaps with name changing and stuff...but you're right, why would anyone throw themselves under the bus like that?

[ICanSeeTheSun]

DH doesn't.

We don't know where she lives, tried contacting the CSA and they didn't want to know. Tried getting her birth certificate to open a saving account but can't because he isn't on the birth certificate.

[WorraLiberty]

ICanSeeTheSun, my BIL had a similar problem for a while.

His ex said she was taking their DD on a caravan holiday to Wales and disappeared off the face of the earth for almost a year.

They're back in contact now but she caused a lot of hurt by doing that, especially to my PILs.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

We haven't seen her for 7 years now.

[gingercat2]

There was a time when I didn't because ex was ruining a cash based business, declaring an income less than half the self support amount (whilst going on holidays and upgrading the car), claiming benefits, and doing much less than the 50/50 care arrangement. Meanwhile I was working two jobs and paying all child care fees. She didn't chase it up, she knew she was on a good wicket!! I've wised up now and things are a lot fairer :)

[gingercat2]

• running not ruining

[passmethewineplease]

I doubt many would.

When my ex was ignoring our daughter and refusing to contribute to her upbringing I often did wonder why his dp stayed.

I just couldn't be with a man like that.who could hold such little regard for his own baby.

[WorraLiberty]

No I couldn't live with someone like that either to be honest, let alone have kids with them.

[passmethewineplease]

Me neither I'd be too worried they'd do the same to me tbh.

I mean it's hardly an attractive trait is it?

[WooWooOwl]

I think there's probably a lot of women out there that kid themselves and listen to bullshit from men about how much they miss their children and are devastated to be apart from them despite the fact that they never see them make any effort with contact whatsoever.

These will be the same women that have children from a previous relationship, possibly with their own non paying ex, who are thinking that they have to put their own children first and if they are benefiting from the new arrangement then it's only what they deserve.

Or they have children to someone who they know doesn't support their existing children because they stupidly convince themselves that this relationship is special, they can change him if they only love him enough, and their mans ex must have been a psycho.

Some women are their own worst enemy.

[HavanaSlife]

They think the nob head they are living with would never do the same to them, obviously he loves them too much to ever leave and refuse to pay. or at least that's what ds1s dsis mum thought

[Bogeyface]

H never paid maintenance after his ex went away for a week when he had their son in the school hols, told H that DSS needed new shoes, uniform, coat.....new everything bascially and when she got back told everyone that she had paid for it with the maintenance that she saved up.

After that he took his son out every weekend and bought him whatever he needed, bought his monthly bus pass, paid for his school lunches every week, his club fees for his sport and all of his school trips. It always worked out to be about the same as his maintenance and often more.

But of course she told everyone that he didnt pay a penny for their son and he was judged appropriately. He never said anything about it at first but did end up explaining the situation after it started affecting his friendships.

[scarlettsmummy2]

Only 30% of fathers pay child maintenance. I know this as I work for a charity in this field.

[Bogeyface]

However....my ex cut me off without a penny. Always played silly buggers with the CSA etc and eventually stopped seeing them. He wasnt that arsed anyway but his new GF (now wife) loathed him having anything to do with me so she actively supported him in this. Because of course he wouldnt do that to her and their 3 children.

Except he did.

And in my mind she has no right to complain about it because by her behaviour in helping and encouraging him to cut his kids off, she was telling him that she thought it was ok for him to do that. You reap what you sow.

[fluffymouse]

Bogeyface I appreciate your honesty but don't think what your husband did was right. It sounds like he was being spiteful, for something which she may have not even said (chinese whispers).

[WorraLiberty]

WooWooOwl sadly your post makes a lot of sense.

[Bogeyface]

fluffly it wasnt spite, it really wasnt. I cant explain how I know without outing myself but just to say that he and I werent together until his son was in his early twenties so I have no axe to grind and that I know for sure what a piece of work she was. Not from him but from his family and friends. It would really help if I could explain but some of the things she did could really out H and me if I mentioned them here!

[StillFrigginRexManningDay]

Oh my ex is paying for his child and I am a big bad cunt for cutting him out of dds life. Yep thats me. Well according to the old rumour mill.
Truth is we have not seen hyde nor hair of him in 15 years.

[Oldraver]

I couldn't be with a person that actively avoided paying toward their child, it would be a deal breaker for me.

My 'Father' lied his way out of paying anything toward our upkeep, I have zero respect for such 'men'

[Seventy6]

I took the house in lieu of child maintenance, I worked out what he would have to pay over the years, and it was a similar amount to his equity. It has meant we have a better relationship as it is all sorted for good, and he is self employed so there would always have been suspicion. I don't earn much, but with tax credits I do alright. I would recommend it as a solution to anyone in a similar situation.